Hi all! So I’m going to be performing some comedy on my school’s TV station next week and it’s my first time performing my stuff in front of anybody (in a non-class setting, anyway). I’m inevitably nervous so if anyone could take a moment and tell me whether or not my bit sucks I would be very thankful! I wouldn’t do anything to show my thankfulness, except maybe say “thank you”, but you should still consider it!
As you all know, fall is upon us, which means one thing for most American males across the nation: football season! It’s an exciting time of year where the manliest and toughest of all of the male humans get together to watch a bunch of jacked up dudes wrestle each other and occasionally dump Gatorade on their heads. I’m a huge football fan, really, I promise, I swear, don’t beat me up and steal my lunch money again, I promise I love football I really do!!!
For those of you who don’t know what football is, let me explain it to you: it’s a game where you kick a ball with your foot. Simple, right? Oh…wait, no…I’m…I’m being told that actually that game is called “soccer”, and football actually consists mostly of holding and running with a ball rather than kicking it. Well, that makes sense! This is America, where we call things whatever we want. I mean, what the hell is “bologna”, really?
I remember my happiest childhood memory regarding football. My dad took me to a Giants game. He loved to take me to football games. He would always go up to me and say “Vincent, I can’t admit to myself that I raised a pansy of a son who doesn’t like sports so you’re going to watch this game or I’m going to tell everyone at work that you died in a bus crash.” Haha, my dad sure was crazy! Anyway, I got to the game and it was like nothing I had ever seen before. They had personal Domino’s pizzas at the snack bar! Sure, I had seen personal pizzas before, but I thought Pizza Hut had a stake in the fast food personal pizza delivery. But there Domino’s was, ripping my entire worldview to shreds. It was that day that I realized I would love football for the rest of my life.
Using my intricate knowledge of “the game”, as us sports fanatics call it, I will predict this weekend’s match-ups for you right here, right now. Let’s do this:
Falcons vs. Vikings. You see, you might expect the Falcons to lose this one, because they’re birds, but if I learned anything from Alfred Hitchcock, it’s that we cannot rule out the possibility that birds will one day murder every single one of us. Falcons
Dolphins vs. Raiders. Tough one. I originally wanted to say the Raiders, but then I read a story on the internet about how dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure, so that’s really changing my mind. I mean, can you imagine how motivated a horny dolphin must be? I’m calling it, it’s the Dolphins.
Patriots vs. Chiefs. Wow. After almost 200 years, these two rivals are finally at each others’ throats again. The last time, the Patriots won easily, but after being scalped and forced to live on reservations, those Chiefs are probably pretty pissed. Plus, all of those years working for casinos have probably made them pretty tricky. I’m going with the Chiefs.
Saints vs. Cowboys. Wow, a bunch of lawless criminals vs. a group of reverenced holy men. I guess this will come down to whether or not Jesus really does have the final say in the outcome of these games. But if the last few weeks have been any indication, Jesus stopped paying attention to NFL football a long, long time ago. Cowboys
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