There was a house that love built- the frame I lived in, in which I tried so hard to improve our destiny.

A family I dreamed up, with the happy dog and all. one which is dissolving and has no chance of being saved anymore.

The dream has faded, the gut of hope is being disintegrated by the reality of what is real. 

promise of new life that life breathed into fresh taught veins by my dream and false hope which was yearned and needed so badly fades faster by the day.

A cruel, ugly nightmare who has found me quicker every year has devoured my comfortable living once again and it’s slowly killing my evolving stride. 

the fantasy was brought to life from a strong and passionately  played illusion- which haunts me now.

real from the deposits of the  depths of sorrow; calcification’s over the length of time- only beautiful to the eye of an outsider who knows no detail.

the last twinkle I held onto- the volume at which I heard it scream; I lived the life which I wanted so badly.

Now, none of this was real to me anymore. the truth hides in a full busy heart and wreaks havoc after I’m exhausted and empty. What a piece of shit - let’s me go on my way, being comfortable and minding to my new ways until I’m out of breath and depraved. Then, when I’m too frail to fight and I feel at loss and ready to give up-truth shows up and kicks my ass to a bloody pulp.

This dream is defeated. I don’t know how I failed. Iv'e lost too many pieces to catch up and glue them back together. This dream felt good, pure, real, true, what’s left of  my stride feels deformed and beaten.

I believe what I had in my mind could have been the happiness I saw and felt to be true, the honesty I needed. The glimmer I needed to feel and catch and felt that I had a hold on; i just lost my grip. It slipped out from my fingers, from my heart, from my vision.

Where are the lessons I’m suppose to hear yelling at me right now?

They aren’t there.

Where are my cues from the universe? The stings to remember the lessons I learned? Where are they? I feel pieces I’m loosing from myself. Maybe I’m too far down the path of turning back. Is this my first realization of being fucked? Will I be one of those sore losers of this world? My pain is not associated with the stings of lessons learned this time. I worry tremendously that I’ve been lost for too long now.

God help the lost- I pray I feel a cue to head back into what I’m suppose to grow into.

Im lost.