The Jacksonville Jaguars have scored 11 points through two games this season and are headed to Seattle this weekend. This is going to end more poorly than a trip to into the desert with Walter White. Holy tubs full of chicken wings that show is getting so gawdamm maddening. Is anyone even going to bother watching the Chicago Bears beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this weekend?
Vince Gilligan is bigger than the NFL. Somewhere Czar Roger Goodell is lining up for Gilligan to be sent to Belize where Ndamukong Suh works as his “muscle.” Enough of these shitty jokes.
Smoke ‘em
Quarterbacks
Ryan Tannehill v ATL- This Atlanta defense has surrendered 352 yards to Sam Bradford and 357 yards toDrew Brees. And now the Dolphins have located a semblance of a run game, with Lamar Miller averaging 4.9 yards a carry against Indianapolis and getting in the endzone. Reason to be bullish in Miami. This is just a hypothetical and it obviously won’t happen this year, but what if someday in the near future the Dolphins are a powerhouse and are 18-0 going into the Super Bowl. Will all those former dipshits from the 1972 undefeated squad cheer for them to finish it off? Or will that motor-mouth Mercury Morris pull a Ray Finkle on Tannehill? It’s safe to say I hope Ace Ventura sends Morris to “swim with the dolphins.” Wait, Ace Ventura isn’t real?
Sleeper: Jake Locker v SD- This San Diego defense has surrendered 428 yards to Mike Vick and 346 to Matt Schaub. Feel like you already read that sentence? Suggesting to start Locker is akin to telling you not to wear condoms in a Senegal whorehouse. In both cases things will either end magically or tragically. There will be no middle ground here.
Running Backs
Jamaal Charles @ PHI- Fresh off of giving up 33 points to San Diego at home, this Philly defense will play its third game in 11 days. Granted Kansas City is almost playing on the same amount of rest 1, but they had a Week 1 bye thanks to visiting sunny Jacksonville. He’s had only 32 carries for 132 yards through two games. In other news this game pits barbecue against steak sandwiches. Both are meaty and delicious and sloppy which describes every woman I had in college.
Sleeper: Gio Bernard v GB- Fresh off a breakout game against the Pittsburgh Steelers that saw him run for one TD and catch another, he gets a Green Bay Packers defense which is allergic to stopping anyone. I can only assume they’re also allergic to cats. And why are cat pictures so funny? The internet even has a Bengal cat that is funny! Meow, internets! On a separate note I wonder how many cats in Cincinnati are named Ickey? I guarantee not enough.
Wide Receivers
Anquan Boldin v IND- Drops two Benjamins on that Claritin-starved Green Bay D and then disappears completely behind Rick Sherman. The 12th man and Adderall ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. That ass-whoopin’ in Seattle will be fresh on the minds of these Niners this week. Blow back time.
Sleeper: Josh Gordon @ MIN- It’s only his first game back, but Greg Little and Davone Bess combined for 20 targets over the weekend. Little’s benched due to drops, so you have to think they try to work Gordon in, as he’s a game-changing talent. It might even open up things for Trent Richardson who has struggled to get going. Or maybe, as Matthew Freedman of Rotoviz suggested, Richardson is just a bigger version of Mark Ingram. As much as that might make Jim Brown happy, I’m certain there are plenty of fantasy owners who would hate it.
Tight End
Owen Daniels @ BAL- Julius Thomas busted out Week 1 against this defense and Jordan Cameron hung 95 yards in an otherwise unwatchable shitfest. The “O” in “OD” might stand for “old,” but he’s got enough in the tank to feast in this matchup.
Defense/Special Teams
Seattle v JAC- If you own them, this is a no-brainer. I write them here mostly for those playing in daily leagues. Even at a hefty Draft Day price of $10,000, it should be worth it. As The Fake Football editor Jeff Brubachstressed in a tweet don’t take the chance that your opponent will have them and you won’t. The results could be worse than that visit to the Senegal whorehouse.
Pass ‘em
Quarterbacks
Philip Rivers @ TEN- The resurrection of Eddie Royal is complete and I can only assume it is connected with the Illuminati somehow. This shit is weird and twisted. Tennessee has actually played well, holding Pitt to 191 yards passing and just nine points Week 1. Last week, before unraveling after three quarters, they Houston to just 14 points. It all comes to an end for San Diego this weekend. Any city with that many beautiful beaches and women doesn’t deserve a good football team anyway.
Joe Flacco v HOU- This guy won a Super Bowl and now he’s busy getting shutdown by the Cleveland Browns. Maybe he’s scarred from his trip to Disney World. Maybe they took him into the tunnels and showed him occult porn. I picture something like Tobey Maguire from “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” with Britney Spearsdressed as a Mouseketeeer while a headless Walt Disney yanks it in the corner. I really gotta spend less time on the internet.
Running Backs
CJ Spiller @ NYJ- You probably don’t have the luxury of sitting him, but this is another tough matchup for Spiller. It should get easier—he has Cleveland and New Orleans over the next several weeks—but this probably won’t be a great one for him. Of course if Geno Smith continues to impersonate Mark Sanchez, the Bills might run away with this one.
Darren McFadden @ DEN- It might not be a good litmus test, but the running starved Giants mustered just 23 yards rushing over the weekend. In Week 1 this D held the Ravens to just 58. DMC will revert back to the guy we all expected him to be this weekend. And if you’re in survivor pools, this is the week to get on Denver. Oh, wait, Seattle is playing Jacksonville. *Pushes all chips in*
Trent Richardson @ SF- From a football perspective this makes sense—if you look at it long enough—from both Cleveland and Indy’s perspective. Cleveland, sans Brandon Weeden my pipe and looking like a wash of a season two weeks in, receives a first round pick next year for a back that may or may not have lost a step since his days at Bama. But—and this is probably what the front office of Indy was thinking—they get a guy who spent his rookie season coming off knee surgery and banged up ribs, and still rushed for 950 yards and 11 TDs. I think this is a solid move for both squads. Sometimes you have to take risks, though for Cleveland it feels like a do-over. Instead of simply game-planning for Andrew Luck, teams will now have to keep it honest. This will either jumpstart T-Rich’s career a la Marshawn Lynch, or, like that Senegal whorehouse, it will end in tears. 2 I wouldn’t start him this week, but going forward I think it could work out.
Wide Receivers
Reggie Wayne @ SF- As I said above, this San Fran team is gonna be more blood-thirsty than a vampire Dick Cheney. I expect this to be a venting contest for them and though garbage time might be in the cards, I’m sitting him if I have other options.
Marques Colston v ARI- This Zona D gave up 141 yards to Jared Cook in Week 1. I’d expect Jimmy Graham to be the guy to own in this passing attack this week. You probably don’t have another option, but I’d suspect Colston to hang another quiet one.
Tight End
Antonio Gates @ TEN- This Titans D held Owen Daniels and Garrett Graham to 5-54 and no TDs last week. And, again, I’m not on the San Diego bus this weekend. If I were, I’d expect the bus to end up in Tijuana where we’d see a show starring Tobey Maguire and Britney Spears beside a dog with dysentery.
Defense/Special Teams
Baltimore v HOU- Mostly I didn’t know who else to put here since a lot of the matchups are no-brainers. Let’s keep the hatred rolling here with Baltimore. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to Google image “Tobey Maguire dog with dysentery” and see what pops up. God bless you Internet.