29 September 2014

Unspoken Truth

To my dearest:

Perhaps, you are wondering why I wrote a letter for you. I just want to justify myself since I am already certain about my feelings towards you.

Two of our close friends already knew about it. They said it would be so unfair for you for not knowing. I felt bad about it because you are the closest friend I ever had. I don’t want to lie anymore in front of your eyes. I want to make everything clear.

You know, making this is letter took time for me to think. Would it be alright? Will everything be just fine afterwards? I don’t even know where to start my words, but here I will be brave enough to confess everything.

It’s been a year that we are both having a good friend relationship. I am blessed to have you in my life. We share both good and bad times. We both enjoy each other companionship, that’s why it makes me hard to confess everything because I am afraid to lose you. You are the person I never thought to be my closest friend. You taught me something I want to be blind to. You showed the real world that I am afraid to face in. You are the sweetest person I have ever met. Perhaps, that’s the reason you captured my heart accidentally.

I felt something for you. I’ve been wondering about it. You make me confused about myself. Sometimes, I can’t even help myself for knowing what this feeling I felt towards you. Thus, I asked help from some of our friends. Some of them makes it better and some makes it worst.

A friend told me that I am sweet, but there’s a special sweetness I do have towards you. After hearing those words, I tried not to be the person before. There are times I become rude. I avoided to become sweet again. I know you feel it sometimes and cause you upset about it. I am sorry if I make you mad.

She told me that I must attempt to avoid you as much as possible. Then, I did.

It’s been awhile that I haven’t seen you. I have avoided to think of you then I got insomnia in return. Eliminating you to be part of my dream gives me the difficulties to sleep. A piece of sacrifice for those sleepless nights.

For those nights, I came to seize all the affection I have. I think, maybe I like you because you are my closest friend. Yet, I don’t really know. I don’t even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I cried because I am afraid to fall for you completely. I know that you are not a perfect lover for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself to think of you. 

You have been true to me, but I am not. I keep hiding my feelings for I don’t know what the real thing inside of me is.

There was a time you asked me, why I will cry? I will cry because you are the only one that I can call best friend and I am afraid to lose you, but if he is the man that can make you happy, then I’ll be happy for you.

As of this moment, I want you to be on my side - be your friend. Though, somehow I miss you, but I guess it is better not to see you every day.  

“They are just a mere memory in your thoughts by the time you think of them, this is what you will feel if you are no longer in love to a person. There’s no special feeling arises, unlike before. As simple as you conceive an idea. Even though it’s odd to feel that way since you are used to have something towards them, it’s better to accept the fact for the betterment of once future.”

I desire to feel this way and I wish to completely get rid of this feeling. I hope it’s not only for today but forever. I am forbidding myself to create a sin once more. I can feel like this because I am far away from you there’s still a tendency that it might change if I am with you. It’s really hard to predict what will happen next. I can’t even say a definite conclusion.

Until now, I didn’t know if my love for you is just like a sibling relationship nothing more than that. I am hoping that this is only like that. I may not conclude my feelings towards you yet, but one thing I am certain I am grateful that you are part of my life. Till then, if we meet again in the future, maybe I can make my own conclusion to this feeling. However, as of now I want to live my life I am used to be.

I still don’t have the courage to tell you all of these face to face, even giving this letter is hard to do. I don’t even know when will you read this letter - it might be the time wherein we are still friends or no longer.

I don’t even know if I look back on this day, would I regret for not saying so or I’ll be happy for not doing anything. Would I be just fine and laugh about what I have done to myself?

The best thing I have learned from you is that you taught me how to love unconditionally and be happy for the person you love, even if she means everything to you.

If you could only know, I am so blissful for God gave me you even if for a short while.

Thank you and I love you.

© photo by S.Y