Becoming Me: Silence
It’s been undeniably quiet around here, and I can’t promise that it will improve anytime soon. There’s a bottleneck inside me. Plenty going on, but maybe a bit too much to deliver anything of substance at all. Still, I figured I would try.
It’s good, this year. It’s been very good.
I’m happy in a way that happiness can only describe because joy and fortune and glee are too frivolous to rightfully pack in the extent of goodness in my heart. But I’m surprised, too. Shocked with panic and fear over what 2014 has in store, for no other reason than it’s started out much, much different than any of my 27 other years and it turns out I’ll have very little, if any control at all in how my life will pan out. I have faith, I do, and I am madly in love with everything that surrounds me right this moment. I love in a way I didn’t know was possible despite tight-knit families and the best of friends and the greatest of romances, but love takes on new meanings as we go and this one is the most novice of them all.
Big things seem to be happening, and all I can do is pray hard somewhere deep in my gut. I have prayers the magnitude of which even St. Peter’s Basilica could not hold. It takes up a lot of time, this praying thing. In between working and sleeping, there seems to be time enough only for prayers. I cannot pray enough these days. And praying always seemed to mean something different for me. I took to prayers much like Anne Shirley, really, and the Our Fathers and the Hail Marys kind of fell by the wayside, but I don’t even know how to pray anymore so it comes in these hushed waves of nothingness. My mind swarms violently and nothing comes out because everything melts together like hot lava, but I know it’s praying because only God could really decipher what’s happening up there, right?
So pen and paper, keyboard and screen, voice and caring ear… these things don’t mean much to me right now. I’m in it, deep in it and something tells me that’s where I’ll stay for a while. I have much to share and much to learn and much, much, much more catching up to do with so many very special people both online and offline. But for now, I’m going to have to let things flow slowly, carefully, and quietly.
Sometimes silence happens. Not because there are no words, but because the words are too sacred for voices to hear.