Alex and I spent Black Friday celebrating Thanksgiving #2 with somewhat of a surrogate family. But not really. Close family friends? It’s complicated. And past the point.

So we were sitting at the dinner table, all 20 something of us, chowing down on Waldorf salad and turkey. And we’re talking to our friend about our families. It dawns on her that we both come from divorced homes. And her voice got all serious and concerning as she told us how we had an uphill battle to climb and that we had to promise her we’d stick it out and that we wouldn’t ever get a divorce. And on and on and on.

Sort of something we don’t tend to think about. Though, in reality, we do think about it every once in awhile.

So, yes. While we’re on the topic, Alex and I are a 4 Christmas sort of packaged deal. And it stinks. Glad we cleared the air on that one. But as for the odds stacking against us, we know. And it stinks, too. But there’s something about the reality of those odds that I think makes people like us look at the whole prospect of marriage in a new way. Before the wedding, the ring, even before the house, we talked extensively about this whole doomsday concept. I promise you that.

So, anyways, I’m reading The Happiness Project and loving it. We’ve got a lot in common, Gretchen Rubin and me. And she started talking to me about fighting. About how to fight with your spouse. Gosh, I’m no stranger to fighting. Like her, I seem to thrive on a good conflict. I’ll be disagreeable just to disagree. Stubborn, you see? But she gave me great insight the other night.

Don’t let your fights open up to everything under the sun. Stick to one tiny little issue. Resolve it. And leave the rest for another time.

Oh my word. This is amazing. Am I the only one who didn’t know how to fight constructively? You see, my parents loved each other very much but they really could fight. And the first time I picked a fight with Alex, he freaked out. Apparently his parents never fought. At which point I explained to him that fighting is good. It is healthy. It shows you care.

Which I still believe is true. 

But we are probably the king and queen of fighting over everything at once. I’ll cut Alex some slack because he never fought with anyone before I came along. But I have no excuse. I should have known about this whole fight-about-one-thing-at-a-time rule. Especially since picking fights seems to be a specialty for me.

So as we move forward in our doomsday marriage (which I say lightheartedly because I don’t believe it one bit), I think it’s important for me to share a piece of advice that I let myself forget way too often.

Marriage only works if you put in the time and you are willing to learn. And whether it’s learning how to fight or learning how to share your money or even just learning how to share the bathroom, it’s definitely best to approach marriage with a sense of humility. And then learn some more.

Learn, love, repeat. I’m going to stick to that mantra for now.

*that amazing shot up there is of our rings on our wedding day, courtesy of Jodi Miller Photography (of course)*

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