GUESTBREAKER: You Say Things Like “I’m Just One Of Those People That Likes To Get Up Early And Go For A Run”
If someone were to ask me my type, I would probably say somebody who is outdoorsy and athletic, like you are. But that’s mostly because I’m a deeply homophobic gay person. I like to pretend that my desire for an athletic boyfriend is not because of self-loathing but because I am athletic, too. After all, I played soccer in high school until it interfered with being in plays, I had a gym membership in college back when it came free with tuition, and sometimes if I wait too long to poop I run the last little bit of the way to the bathroom. I’m practically an athlete.
But now that I’m actually dating you, and I hear you say things like you’re “setting your alarm for 5:00am to run as the sun comes up” or you want to go work out because you want to “feel the burn”, I feel like we have absolutely nothing in common. Are we going to move in together one day? How would that work? I spent last night in my underwear eating cheetos and drinking white wine while talking back to last week’s episode of Big Brother. I can’t let you see that. Sure, you might say it’s charming, or that opposites attract. But to me opposites would be you saying something like “Oh, you like Cheetos? I’m more of a candy person.” That would make sense. Running isn’t the opposite of eating cheetos at two in the morning, it’s the thing the living still do after the Cheetos-eater died at the age of 29 from not fucking pulling himself together.
Not only do you love to run, but you constantly ask me to do it with you. Are you kidding? I can’t tell. I would like to think you’re being sincere, but it kind of feels like I’m a retarded child and you’re the parent letting me open the jar after you already REALLY opened it yourself. How do you see this run going? Because there is going to be a lot of walking involved on my end. And a lot of saying things like “this is miserable”. Don’t you remember that first time we worked out together, and I had to “go to the bathroom real quick”? I threw up in there. Because I am weak and that is what weak people do after working out for 25 minutes.
You are beautiful. I theoretically admire your athletic prowess. You’re like looking at a Men’s Fitness and thinking “one day I’ll be like that”. But I won’t. Because the only time I have ever read a Men’s Fitness is I’m just kidding I’ve never read a Men’s Fitness. Is that a real thing? I quickly typed the name of something that sounded like a real magazine and think I accidentally stumbled upon a real one. Good for me. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know when you ask “Would you like to run home from the subway with me just for fun?”, then I don’t know what to tell you.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chris Kelly.
