GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Know We’re Dating

So I got your number from a friend. It wasn’t listed. That’s cool. I thought maybe you had seen ‘The Net’ starring Sandra Bullock one too many times and were just really worried about staying under the radar. What I don’t get is why you introduce me as a friend in public. You never let me pick up the check when we go 'out’ (which doesn’t feel like a date because you always insist we do it in a group setting). I’ve never been to your apartment and you’re purposefully vague when describing which neighborhood you reside in. After our third 'date’ I didn’t quite expect sex, though that’s generally a rule, but I expected a kiss at least! Or for you not to sit across from me on the subway. At first I just thought you were really conservative. Maybe you didn’t tell me you were Amish and had no idea how to appropriately act while on Rumspringa (you proved this by your lack of interest in Zima). You kept talking about your boy friends, I assumed it was two words and not the bleak, depressing compound I so often hear. I guess what really set it over the edge was when I had that work party and you came with Jeneane. She said you left when you found the pictures of you taped to my mirror. Well, Stacy, that’s what people do in 'relationships’. They have pictures of each other. And if you weren’t such a shy, ice-queen then I wouldn’t have had to dig through your trash at 3 AM last Tuesday to find a wallet size.

So that’s it. We’re done. I don’t need a clueless girl like you who couldn’t tell a relationship if it came up to her door, crying and begging for you to take him back.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Alan.