I feel as if I’m back at square one. Well, not really square one so much as right where I left off before I started dating her. I didn’t have any body freakouts during our relationships and I didn’t feel as if I was going to throw myself off of a very tall building everyday.

But the feelings have returned, so have the seizures. I’ve had them every day since she broke up with me. My head is just gray inside. There used to be color and life, but now it’s just gray. I hate this shit.

Positives though, I can finally move on with my life. I felt as though the whole thang was just holding me back from going forward. I just need to go on ahead.

When your jam comes on headphones and you just

If I ever work at a gas station and a guy walks up to the counter and asks for cigarettes, Imma be like

Wanna buy some death sticks?

And then silently laugh to myself and sigh and give him his cigarettes and go home a rethink my life.

My roommate’s girlfriend likes to talk shit about me while I’m in the other room and she knows I’m there and every time I see her being fake nice to me I just look at her like

I’ve hit a milestone in my life today.

I looked at my reflection today and kind of saw myself as everyone sees.

And I fucking hated it. I looked and saw the person looking back and I fucking hated whoever it was. It was weird. I usually see myself as me, just some chubby dude in a Jimmy John’s shirt walking home.

But today was different. It was really scary in fact. I saw the person looking back and he looked so fucking sad and weird and disgusting. I don’t ever want to look at that person again.

My bosses think I’m losing it again. And part of me is kind of agreeing. It’s been a tiring, long, and stressful couple of months. I haven’t had a weekend where I go into work well rested. I haven’t really had any time to do any personal things like getting back on my meds or even shaving regularly or brushing my teeth or showering. It’s getting back to that point again. I was here once a year ago and I wanted to never get back to it again.

But here I am; still not on meds or shaving or showering or sleeping or whatever. I’m alone a lot of the time. Even when I am hanging out with people I go home early because I feel like I can’t be there. I can feel myself pulling away. I really don’t ever want to show my face in public again after seeing my reflection.

My emotions are rolling out of control more and more. I used to be able to wrangle the two sides quite well, but now I’m either just fucking happy as shit or I want to die. I’ve snapped at coworkers, I’ve snapped at my brother, I’ve snapped at my friends, I feel like such a fucking asshole lately.

I’m so tired. I’m so very tired. I haven’t slept more than three hours in about two weeks. But I can’t nap because I’ve always either got something going on like karaoke, doing laundry, hanging with friends, or some other bullshit. I’m so tired of people.

I just never want to leave my apartment and be alone forever.

Holy fuck I’ve been mega-super sick for the past three days. Kill me please.

But, I do have good news.

I HAVE FOUND AN APARTMENT OH MY GOSH I CRIED I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

No but seriously, after about six months, my homeless stint has come to a close. I’m so happy I can’t even tell you. I didn’t think this terrible journey would come to a close, but it looks like it has for now. I move in on the first of March so I might drop off the map here in a few weeks due to no internet.

Wish me luck!