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Shitty Doctor Shakes Me up then Tears Me Down

Trigger warning, self harm, suicide, shitty doctors, and fatphobia

http://ninapotts.com/2014/03/04/shaken-up/

I’d been told by my doctor and a neurologist to see a rheumatologist, just to rule anything out. Having migraines for this long, I get sent to all sorts of doctors and tried on all kinds of medications, so this wasn’t a surprise.

We saw this doctor twice. The first time was bad, the second time was a million times worse.

The first visit she went over all of my tests, said that I just have migraines all the time, and thats it. She asked some questions about how various pressure points feel, but said she wasn’t going to test them since she was sure I didn’t have anything.

She then went on to tell me I have severe psychiatric issues and thats probably why I have migraines. After that she described in detail her sisters illness, along with how she thinks her sister is too weak to deal with having an illness, and some people are like that. I was told I am one of those people, that I am just not a strong enough person to manage being chronically ill, so I shouldn’t expect anything of myself. I should deal with this is how my life is, and according to her I’ve always been sick, so what more did I expect? Also, I should also do an exercise program. Even if it makes my migraines worse and makes me sick, I need to get over it, because exercising is more important than being sick.

She ended by saying my gynecologist didn’t do his job right and reordered a bunch of tests done. She said when I came back she would give me a refferal to a neurological center that I’ve been trying to get a refferal to.

A week later, after submitting to the testing, I went back.

This time, she commented on how short I cut my nails. When I told her it was from an anxiety issue I have, she proceeded to tell me I need to find other ways to deal with my anxiety, and that my migraines are from severe psychological issues. That I need to see a psychologist all the time, and not see a psychiatrist, because I should not be on any medication for these issues (which I am taking medication for).

Next came that my blood work was good, that all of my organs are in great shape, including my liver and kidneys. It seems my only real issue is my migraines, which might come from fibromyalgia, but she doesn’t think so. Again, she didn’t do any testing other than looking at my hands, and that was the extent of any physical exam.

After that was the information on how I spend my day. I was told pointedly that I need to spend more time alone, doing things for myself. One of those things needs to be intense exercise. Even if I get physically ill, I need to start something right now. Overweight people need to work out, no matter what illnesses they have, its not an excuse. I need to spend even more time alone, in particular, without my pets. Having them around is just too much for me, and by being ill and having pets, I don’t think I’m abusing them but I really am. I can’t give them what they need because I’m sick, its not fair to them or me. Even if they’re happy and healthy, its not true because I am not caring for them properly. She then told me to get rid of all of my animals, I absolutely had to. We argued about this, she ignored my partner and any mentions I made of how she helps care for our pets as well. Next it was that I’m a smart girl, and I’m wasting my time trying to not feel sick from my migraines all day. I need to do things, like get a job I like, like she does, that will make me feel better. I need to stop laying around all day doing nothing. Last, even though my tests all look good, being overweight means I will need a liver transplant when I’m 40 (which is in about 6 years by the way). Every fat person in the country is going to need a liver transplant, and we all could avoid that if we just would do some exercise.

This was all said in a matter of fact, but very concerned and sincere way. If I tried to explain my side or that what she was saying wasn’t true, she argued and eventually changed the subject. She said she would give me the neurological referral only if I got worse.

It wasn’t until we left and were driving home that it all hit me.

On the freeway on the way home all of it kept repeating in my head. Despite everything I’ve done to accept who I am, to deal with the fact that I am sick, that I have limitations, it didn’t matter. I had never really hated myself for being fat, never felt ugly or disgusting because of it, but now I did. Now I’m going to die from being fat anyways.

By the time we got home I had pretty much resolved to kill myself. I didn’t want to be this fat sick burden on anyone. I can’t get over how awful my head and body feel all the time. I thought we took good care of our animals, one of the few things that make me feel better, but now I’m just an abusive hoarder. I wanted to not be here anymore, or to cut myself until I didn’t hurt anymore. I couldn’t figure out a way to kill myself that I was sure would work. I was feeling worse just sitting here not doing anything about it. I can’t get better, I can’t kill myself, what is the point of me being here, giant useless burden that I am. I cried for over an hour. I didn’t want my partner anywhere near me, or even looking at me, I felt like a disgusting fat thing. I didn’t want the dogs or cats near me, since I’m just hurting them anyways. I spent the night crying on an off, ate dinner even though I was too depressed to eat, and forcing myself to do thing that made me feel better, even if I felt like I didn’t deserve them. I told one friend what was going on. Now I hope that I’m telling more.

Its been 24 hours since that appointment. I still feel sick to my stomach. I still hear what was said, and I can’t make it stop. I’m trying to get back to where I was before that, where I loved my body, where I knew my animals the way people know their children, where I concentrate on getting better, not doing stupid things to make myself worse. I keep reminding myself she is a shitty doctor, I am not a shitty person. I’m not going back there (obviously), and I’m not leaving.

Notes

  1. starlitsylveon said: You must report that doctor! What she did was horrendous and she needs to be taken out of the medical field immediately. Bad doctors should face fucking consequences.
  2. the-socially-inept said: Fuck that sack of shit doctor
  3. glashtyn said: That doctor sounds rather full of herself and as if she highly values her own opinions. You are a good person. You are of great value. You have things to contribute to this world and however small they may seem, you cannot know what impact they have.
  4. megpie71 said: Might I suggest a different rheumatologist? This one doesn’t sound very professional at all.
  5. extraintrovert-blog said: That doctor is an evil, insidious, abusive sack of shit masquerading as a human being. You and everyone else need to say far, far away from her (after hopefully pissing in her coffee).
  6. minas-t1rith said: You are so much better than the garbage that doctor said. Report her, take care of yourself, and find a new doctor that will actually treat you well.
  7. hoidn said: that doctor is so manipulative and abusive that i can hardly fathom it. you deserve to live and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. it is a basic human right. that she shat all over that is on her, not you. take care of yourself. <3
  8. supercasinthetardis said: FUCK THAT DOCTOR. Never go back & write shitty online reviews to warn people so they won’t feel like you do. :(.
  9. theinterbutt said: She’s a shitty and lazy doctor who doesn’t deserve any more of your time or your money.