My first interview was with Christian Holden, 22, who grew up in Charlton, Massachusetts, but now lives in Worcester, Mass. The interview was conducted via Facebook chat, on Sunday, 26 January 2014.
Charlie Stern: Here we go: What is your gender identity?
Christian Holden: cisgender male
Stern: At what age did you identify that way?
Holden: does it matter that i didn’t know the word cisgender until i was 17?
uhm
i don’t really know
either 15 or like forever
depends on if we are considering when i realize i had a choice in how identified
Stern: Any direction you choose to answer this in is fine.
Holden: 15
uhm
all my life actually
Stern: How does identifying as male make you feel?
Holden: incomplete and confused
Stern: Do you sometimes feel trapped by your identity?
Holden: yes
Stern: What made you decide to dress as your gender?
Holden: external pressure and how i was dressed when i was younger
Stern: How did you realize that you were ready to transition into being a male?
Holden: i don’t know
Stern: Were you pressured by your peers about this decision?
Holden: pass?
Stern: Okay.
Holden: as in i don’t know
how to answer
because i never transitioned
into male i feel
Stern: What about transitioning from boy to man?
Holden: uhm
i was not
Stern: How long did it take you to “pass” as a male?
Holden: i never had a problem with “passing” as a male
Stern: Do you ever feel completely at home with your developed voice?
Holden: yes
Stern: Do you ever have second thoughts about being male?
Holden: yeah. i feel like the way that i relate to and experience my gender is something that is always on my mind
Stern: Can you tell me more about what it is like for you as an individual to function within our society’s gender binary?
Holden: uhm. like the only pressure i have is to present in control
like
if i act comfortably, I have a slightly feminine presence that I feel like needs to be sharpened or harder in order to stay on guard
or like to make people not question it
which often puts people off because it comes off as distrusting
but like
it boils down to that my issues are building trust with the people around me
i have no trouble with finding people to give support
that’s about as much as i can think to say right now
Stern: That was a really good answer.
When did you learn about the different gender pronouns used?
Holden: i think my senior year of highschool
Stern: Do you feel the need to conform to what society asks of you, in terms of your gender?
Holden: yes
Stern: Please explain.
Holden: i mean
in certain situations i “man up” and would halt myself from presenting in more feminine ways
especially with friends I come out as queer to
because i don’t want people to associate my gender with my sexuality
when people say something i do is “strange” or indicate that it was unexpected of my character that is in relation to my gender expression, i feel really put off and uncomfortable
Stern: Do you think gender is merely a social construction? Why or why not?
Holden: I don’t
but like
i have no real evidence why
except for my basic thought that nothing is only socially constructed
I just feel like gender is too confusing to simplify down to “its just socially constructed
yeah that’s it
Stern: Do you think of gender as a thing you would like to undo? Please explain.
Holden: gender as a concept?
or my own?
to deconstruct?
Stern: Whatever direction you’d like.
Holden: Gender as a concept no. I feel like its a lot more important to a lot of people than it is to me. My own gender, yes. I feel like I want to understand how I work. And my gender was something so deeply engrained in everything i do that i can’t help but deconstruct it
Stern: If gender were not a factor, do you think you would still have the desire to live as a male?
Holden: what do you mean by gender not a factor?
Stern: Like if gender didn’t matter or didn’t exist.
Holden: no
Stern: If you could choose to be transgender, would you?
Holden: i don’t know
Stern: If you were unable to live as a male, what would that mean for you?
Holden: i really don’t know
Stern: Do you have many friends/family who are also male?
Holden: yes
Stern: What is your relationship to the male community?
Holden: i benefit from its privileges, while feeling disconnected and distrustful
Stern: Do you find that your relationships with people in the male community are different from your relationships with people outside the male community?
Holden: yes
i feel far more comfortable in my skin outside of the male community
Stern: Have you ever felt excluded from the male community because you weren’t “male enough”?
Holden: yes
uhm
yes
uhm
no
uhm
yes
yes
Stern: Have you had any role models influence your gender, "teaching” you how to be male?
Holden: yes many
Stern: Please explain.
Holden: uhm
How to be male in a way that related to me
i was taught how to be strong in who i am
like
i have many male role models that were really positive for me
in that they didn’t make me completely disenchanted with identifying as male
showing me mostly they right balance of being gentle and strong
actually
i was never taught how to be gentle through men
just how to continually protect myself
Stern: What kind of support for being a male do you have?
Holden: financial in the support of my band, outside of that is protection from violence mostly
wait
i mis read
i read as what support from males do you have
most all of my needs
at least a little
Stern: What do you mean?
Holden: all resources i would need in support of being male is readily available
Stern: Oh, I see.
How does your family feel about you being a male?
Holden: fine
it is expected
Stern: Have you run into any problems with religion, in regards to your gender identity?
Holden: nope
Stern: Did you have any friends/family who thought they could change you to be “normal”?
Holden: nope
Stern: How has being a male affected your romantic relationships?
Holden: barely at all
Stern: How has being a male impacted you negatively?
Holden: only in that it is hard to find people of my gender to connect in deep meaningful ways that challenge gender binarism. but that is also a problem of people living in the current times
usually others of my gender are kind of isolated from social situations
before they learn how to challenge it in open ways
i feel
Stern: How safe do you feel at school/work/public (and why)?
Holden: to add to my answer from before. most people have to actually seek out others that are similar to their experience
as far as gender is concerned
at school i felt really hostile because under the climate its almost like gender expression and violence is heightened. work i feel safer because my work was just to play with kids on bouncy things. Public is fine because i don’t even have to worry about interacting
Stern: Related: Have you faced any hindrances functioning within the system (like school) because of your gender?
Holden: not that aren’t experienced equally or moreso than people of other genders
Stern: Have you ever been a victim of a hate crime?
Holden: no
Stern: Have you ever been forced by friends/family into mental health treatment for your gender identity?
Holden: no
Stern: If your family had to raise you all over again, what advice would you give them so that your life gender experience would have been different?
Holden: “educate yourselves and keep up with gender theory and raise me gender neutral.”
Stern: Now that you’re out as a male, what would you have said to a younger version of yourself?
Holden: nothing that i would have really SAID. more just like, i’d interact with myself in a way that won’t discourage deviating from my assigned gender
also
to this and the last question
i would have told my parents to unschool me
because i do feel school had a strong effect on how i experience gender
more than anything else
Stern: What was the best advice you received as a young person?
Holden: honestly
“hit’m where it hurts”
Stern: If your own child were to declare themselves male, what advice would you give them to help them survive the world they may have to face?
Holden: don’t accept anybody’s truth that doesn’t resonate with you
Stern: Wow, that’s good.
Holden: thank you
Stern: Do you have any fears about the future and how living as a male could hinder pursuits in the realms of family and children?
Holden: I fear that if I decide to have children, I won’t be able to give helpful advice to my children since as a male i don’t have the best lived experience to share with them in regards to gender
but in the same way
i am who i am and I should have an accurate view of my own experience with gender to be of any help to anyone
Stern: What do you see as the main issue facing male people today and what do you see as a possible solution to this problem?
Holden: their inability to connect to themselves and others. and a possible solution could be normalizing queerness in education
since that is what helped me
and teaching from a feminist perspective
or at least making a feminist perspective more available
Stern: What is the hardest part about being cisgender?
Holden: hahah
uhm
not being trusted by default by trans folk
Stern: Do you feel like any health disparities you face are directly related to your gender identity and expression?
Holden: no
Stern: Have you ever felt that you have been denied proper medical treatment or questioned inappropriately while seeking medical treatment?
Holden: not because of my gender no
Stern: What changes would you make in healthcare in order to receive better care oriented towards males?
Holden: no
cisgender males right?
Stern: Yeah.
Holden: uhm
i can’t think of any
Stern: What do you think society could do to better understand people who are male and their needs?
Holden: encourage them to be gentle
Stern: How could society change to be more accepting or emotionally better for you?
Holden: equal representation in positions of power for people of all genders
as in
the problems that men experience as far as acceptance and emotional support could be solved with and environment where power isn’t assigned to you based differently because of your gender
Stern: Thank you! That was the last question. Wow, thank you so much for your time.
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