An Interview with Christian Holden

January 27, 2014

My first interview was with Christian Holden, 22, who grew up in Charlton, Massachusetts, but now lives in Worcester, Mass. The interview was conducted via Facebook chat, on Sunday, 26 January 2014.

Charlie Stern: Here we go: What is your gender identity?

Christian Holden: cisgender male

Stern: At what age did you identify that way?

Holden: does it matter that i didn’t know the word cisgender until i was 17?

uhm

i don’t really know

either 15 or like forever

depends on if we are considering when i realize i had a choice in how identified

Stern: Any direction you choose to answer this in is fine.

Holden: 15

uhm

all my life actually

Stern: How does identifying as male make you feel?

Holden: incomplete and confused

Stern: Do you sometimes feel trapped by your identity?

Holden: yes

Stern: What made you decide to dress as your gender?

Holden: external pressure and how i was dressed when i was younger

Stern: How did you realize that you were ready to transition into being a male?

Holden: i don’t know

Stern: Were you pressured by your peers about this decision?

Holden: pass?

Stern: Okay.

Holden: as in i don’t know

how to answer

because i never transitioned

into male i feel

Stern: What about transitioning from boy to man?

Holden: uhm

i was not

Stern: How long did it take you to “pass” as a male?

Holden: i never had a problem with “passing” as a male

Stern: Do you ever feel completely at home with your developed voice?

Holden: yes

Stern: Do you ever have second thoughts about being male?

Holden: yeah. i feel like the way that i relate to and experience my gender is something that is always on my mind

Stern: Can you tell me more about what it is like for you as an individual to function within our society’s gender binary?

Holden: uhm. like the only pressure i have is to present in control

if i act comfortably, I have a slightly feminine presence that I feel like needs to be sharpened or harder in order to stay on guard

or like to make people not question it

which often puts people off because it comes off as distrusting

but like

it boils down to that my issues are building trust with the people around me

i have no trouble with finding people to give support

that’s about as much as i can think to say right now

Stern: That was a really good answer.

When did you learn about the different gender pronouns used?

Holden: i think my senior year of highschool

Stern: Do you feel the need to conform to what society asks of you, in terms of your gender?

Holden: yes

Stern: Please explain.

Holden: i mean

in certain situations i “man up” and would halt myself from presenting in more feminine ways

especially with friends I come out as queer to

because i don’t want people to associate my gender with my sexuality

when people say something i do is “strange” or indicate that it was unexpected of my character that is in relation to my gender expression, i feel really put off and uncomfortable

Stern: Do you think gender is merely a social construction? Why or why not?

Holden: I don’t

but like

i have no real evidence why

except for my basic thought that nothing is only socially constructed

I just feel like gender is too confusing to simplify down to “its just socially constructed

yeah that’s it

Stern: Do you think of gender as a thing you would like to undo? Please explain.

Holden: gender as a concept?

or my own?

to deconstruct?

Stern: Whatever direction you’d like.

Holden: Gender as a concept no. I feel like its a lot more important to a lot of people than it is to me. My own gender, yes. I feel like I want to understand how I work. And my gender was something so deeply engrained in everything i do that i can’t help but deconstruct it

Stern: If gender were not a factor, do you think you would still have the desire to live as a male?

Holden: what do you mean by gender not a factor?

Stern: Like if gender didn’t matter or didn’t exist.

Holden: no

Stern: If you could choose to be transgender, would you?

Holden: i don’t know

Stern: If you were unable to live as a male, what would that mean for you?

Holden: i really don’t know

Stern: Do you have many friends/family who are also male?

Holden: yes

Stern: What is your relationship to the male community?

Holden: i benefit from its privileges, while feeling disconnected and distrustful

Stern: Do you find that your relationships with people in the male community are different from your relationships with people outside the male community?

Holden: yes

i feel far more comfortable in my skin outside of the male community

Stern: Have you ever felt excluded from the male community because you weren’t “male enough”?

Holden: yes

uhm

yes

uhm

yes

Stern: Have you had any role models influence your gender, "teaching” you how to be male?

Holden: yes many

Stern: Please explain.

Holden: uhm

How to be male in a way that related to me

i was taught how to be strong in who i am

i have many male role models that were really positive for me

in that they didn’t make me completely disenchanted with identifying as male

showing me mostly they right balance of being gentle and strong

actually

i was never taught how to be gentle through men

just how to continually protect myself

Stern: What kind of support for being a male do you have?

Holden: financial in the support of my band, outside of that is protection from violence mostly

wait

i mis read

i read as what support from males do you have

most all of my needs

at least a little

Stern: What do you mean?

Holden: all resources i would need in support of being male is readily available

Stern: Oh, I see.

How does your family feel about you being a male?

Holden: fine

it is expected

Stern: Have you run into any problems with religion, in regards to your gender identity?

Holden: nope

Stern: Did you have any friends/family who thought they could change you to be “normal”?

Holden: nope

Stern: How has being a male affected your romantic relationships?

Holden: barely at all

Stern: How has being a male impacted you negatively?

Holden: only in that it is hard to find people of my gender to connect in deep meaningful ways that challenge gender binarism. but that is also a problem of people living in the current times

usually others of my gender are kind of isolated from social situations

before they learn how to challenge it in open ways

i feel

Stern: How safe do you feel at school/work/public (and why)?

Holden: to add to my answer from before. most people have to actually seek out others that are similar to their experience

as far as gender is concerned

at school i felt really hostile because under the climate its almost like gender expression and violence is heightened. work i feel safer because my work was just to play with kids on bouncy things. Public is fine because i don’t even have to worry about interacting

Stern: Related: Have you faced any hindrances functioning within the system (like school) because of your gender?

Holden: not that aren’t experienced equally or moreso than people of other genders

Stern: Have you ever been a victim of a hate crime?

Holden: no

Stern: Have you ever been forced by friends/family into mental health treatment for your gender identity?

Holden: no

Stern: If your family had to raise you all over again, what advice would you give them so that your life gender experience would have been different?

Holden: “educate yourselves and keep up with gender theory and raise me gender neutral.”

Stern: Now that you’re out as a male, what would you have said to a younger version of yourself?

Holden: nothing that i would have really SAID. more just like, i’d interact with myself in a way that won’t discourage deviating from my assigned gender

also

to this and the last question

i would have told my parents to unschool me

because i do feel school had a strong effect on how i experience gender

more than anything else

Stern: What was the best advice you received as a young person?

Holden: honestly

“hit’m where it hurts”

Stern: If your own child were to declare themselves male, what advice would you give them to help them survive the world they may have to face?

Holden: don’t accept anybody’s truth that doesn’t resonate with you

Stern: Wow, that’s good.

Holden: thank you

Stern: Do you have any fears about the future and how living as a male could hinder pursuits in the realms of family and children?

Holden: I fear that if I decide to have children, I won’t be able to give helpful advice to my children since as a male i don’t have the best lived experience to share with them in regards to gender

but in the same way

i am who i am and I should have an accurate view of my own experience with gender to be of any help to anyone

Stern: What do you see as the main issue facing male people today and what do you see as a possible solution to this problem?

Holden: their inability to connect to themselves and others. and a possible solution could be normalizing queerness in education

since that is what helped me

and teaching from a feminist perspective

or at least making a feminist perspective more available

Stern: What is the hardest part about being cisgender?

Holden: hahah

uhm

not being trusted by default by trans folk

Stern: Do you feel like any health disparities you face are directly related to your gender identity and expression?

Holden: no

Stern: Have you ever felt that you have been denied proper medical treatment or questioned inappropriately while seeking medical treatment?

Holden: not because of my gender no

Stern: What changes would you make in healthcare in order to receive better care oriented towards males?

Holden: no

cisgender males right?

Stern: Yeah.

Holden: uhm

i can’t think of any

Stern: What do you think society could do to better understand people who are male and their needs?

Holden: encourage them to be gentle

Stern: How could society change to be more accepting or emotionally better for you?

Holden: equal representation in positions of power for people of all genders

as in

the problems that men experience as far as acceptance and emotional support could be solved with and environment where power isn’t assigned to you based differently because of your gender

Stern: Thank you! That was the last question. Wow, thank you so much for your time.

12:13pm | URL: https://tmblr.co/ZHTOZo15caf-G

(Notes: 85)