I just started reading “A Very Hungry Girl: How I Filled Up on Life…And You Can Too!” by Jessica Weiner.  The first two pages she talks about how her grandpa used to tell her to write everything down.  All her make believe stories, fantasies and anything else creative she came up with.  She didn’t start writing anything down until she was struggling with an eating disorder.

It got me thinking about everything I have written down over the years.  This is where I’m thankful for technology.  I know everything I have ever written electronically that is journal like (except for the creative writing I did on my first computer that my mom accidentally deleted) I still have.  With every new computer I get I make sure to transfer everything over.  I still have files on my Mac that I can only open on a Windows computer, but I’m keeping them until I can get them into a different format.  In my email sent folder I have a log of everything I did whenever Zach was underway because I would email him everyday.

What about my written words?  I know I still have quite a few journals that I have written in.  When Zach and I moved into our new place he started to read one and I asked him to stop.  It’s not that I wouldn’t share anything and everything with him, but I’m slightly scarred.  My mom read one of journals when I was in the midst of puberty.  Rather than pretending she hadn’t read it she started talking to me about things she had read.  I felt violated.  Anytime somebody reads my journal without asking I still feel the same way, regardless of who it is.

I am grateful for computers and technology and how they allow me to record my thoughts, feelings and actions without fear of losing them forever.  I’m sure I could lose them forever, but it’s a lot harder than accidentally throwing away a book you can never get back.  For a little backup I’m going to get all my journals I have typed up in Word and upload them to Google Drive.  That way I’ll have a copy on my computer, my backup hard drive and on Google Drive.

Maybe one day I’ll look back at everything I have written and get to know the old me.  It would be interesting to see how I’ve changed over the years in a more microscopic sense.  Maybe I’ll even discover some good stories I’ve forgotten about.

I have been changing my whole life, whether it’s been voluntary or involuntary.  Most of the voluntary change, or effort to change, started in 2005.  Since then it has been a rough road, but I am proud to say I can see the progress I have made.  It has not been easy though.

Why is change so hard?  I have been reading “The Heart of Yoga” by T. K. V. Desikachar and he writes, “When our habits are disturbed we feel unwell.  If we cannot continue our life in our habitual way, we experience it as a distrubance… Sometimes the process of leaving an old track that we realize is not good for us is painful… That is the reason why it is sometimes difficult to lay aside a certain behavior that we recognize as unproductive.  The separation from a pattern we are not used to can be very painful.  It is up to us to find out why so that we can overcome the situation."  I think he explains very well why it so hard to change.

Now as I try to make changes in my life I am not only looking at what I want to change and why, but why the change is going to be difficult and HOW I can overcome that difficulty.  I am finding other people are making it difficult for me to change.  Not so much the people themselves, but their reaction to my change and how the change affects our relationship.  I find this very ironic because I could care less what people I barely know think of me.  Clearly it is quite different when it concerns people I know and I have relationships with.

This shouldn’t matter though.  Whether I have a relationship with the person or not I should approach it the same way.  You either like me the way I am, or you don’t.  If you don’t like the and improved me, then so be it.  This is easier said than done.  At least now I have something to work with and work on.

When I first started transforming my life I didn’t know what was happening at the time.  I wasn’t aware that a transformation had begun until I had time to look back.  Then I could see the change.  I finally saw the change I have wanted for so many years.  When I realized what was happening I didn’t care about the end product because I was so excited (and still am) about changing my life for the better.  I never stopped and asked myself, “What will I look like at the end of all this?”

At first the change just happened.  I started going to yoga and it felt like magical things happened.  I didn’t want to lose this so I started to learn more about yoga and spirituality and how to finally go about living the life I wanted to live.  Then I started to wonder, “What will I look like at the end of all this?"  I felt like I needed a goal to work towards, an actual end point, like I am doing all of this to get "here.”

The more I learn the more I realize there is no set end goal.  The goal is to work hard to become more spiritual, more in tune with myself, to be a better human for others to interact with and to give more of myself.  There is no end point.  I will be constantly changing until the day I die, so I can never guess what I will look like in the end.  I find this very freeing.

I no longer have a yard stick to measure myself by.  I can’t compare myself or my journey to somebody else or their journey.  I have more patience now when it comes to change.  I have my whole life to continue changing.  I know the process can, and sometimes will be a slow one, and for once I’m truly okay with that.  I know I will make mistakes and falter, but now I just acknowledge my hiccups, I don’t beat myself up over them and I strive to do better.

I am trying to trust and have faith in myself.  I am also trying to trust and have faith in the unknown that comes along with change.  I don’t have to know exactly where I’m going or where I’ll end up to take the next step.

My last night in Charlottesville I figured out a lot of things I wanted to change in my life while talking to Amy.  Two and a half days and two nights in the woods by myself gave me time to really think about all these things.  There were some life changes that needed to happen.

The first thing that came to mind was I wanted to be a better “mom” to my cat, Oreo.  I know this probably sounds silly, but until then I didn’t realize how guilty I felt for not giving her as much attention as I probably should.  She is an amazing cat who rubs her little kitty face on mine when I’m crying, and doesn’t stop until I stop crying.  The look on her feline face when she looks at me to see if I’m still crying is one of love and concern.  Yet in the mornings when I first get up and she is rubbing all over me trying to get some loving I push her away and tell her to leave me alone until I wake up.  Not acceptable.  When I’m busy around the house and she wants to be petted I ignore her until I’m done.  Also, not acceptable.  I decided this has to change.

I need to change the way I ate.  I don’t think this is the solution to my binge eating, but I think it might help the problem.  Often times when I eat I am doing something else.  I am on my computer, reading a book or magazine, watching TV or a movie or messing around on my phone, and sometimes I’m even standing up.  How can I possibly be enjoying the flavors of my food if I’m not even paying attention to the food I’m eating or the process of consuming it?  Perhaps this is why I eat more than I should because I want to enjoy my food, but because I pay so little attention while I’m eating I have to eat more in order to feel the same amount of enjoyment.  I don’t know if this makes sense to anybody else.  Either way, I’m going to give it a try.  My goal is to always eat sitting down and distraction free.

As I’ve mentioned before, I want to do more in general and with my life.  Lately, although I have been working on it, I haven’t been as productive as I could be.  I waste a lot of time or spend entirely too much time relaxing.  If I want to do all the things I want to do I need time to do them all.  I also need to make sure I take care of my responsibilities as well.  In order to this I need to use my time more wisely, more efficiently.

The first part of this is just doing what I need to do.  I often put off washing dishes after I make a meal (when I’m home alone) because I can do them later.  Same with folding and putting away laundry, picking up my dirty clothes from the bathroom after I shower and other little things around the house.  I need to stay on top of these things.  The couple of minutes it takes to get these things done isn’t going to take away from other things I need to do.  I also need to get certain things in order, literally.  I need to clean and organize my office and clean my disaster of a car.

The second part of using my time more wisely is to spend less time surfing the internet.  I am always looking up random thoughts or questions that pop up into my head, or over-researching a purchase or a trip or something else.  I need to stop doing this.  Yes, there are times when I do gain knowledge from the hour spent on my laptop after breakfast, but there are better things I could doing that I want to be doing.

I need to ride my bike more.  Self transportation makes me happy.  It is also good for me and the environment, and it saves money on fuel for Frankie.  I kept telling myself I didn’t ride my bike because it was winter and cold.  Lame excuse!  I have so much gear for cold weather riding that I should have been riding my bike to school and work whenever I had a chance.  It does take more time to ride my bicycle places than to drive, so this change is partially dependent on the last one I talked about.  Once I get better at managing my time and using it efficiently, the extra time it takes to ride my bike somewhere shouldn’t be an issue.

Sleep.  I must go to bed earlier.  For some strange reason I like to stay up even when I’m tired and ready for bed.  I don’t accomplish anything useful during this time.  I just stay up, distracting myself in any possible way.  This only happens when Zach isn’t home, but still, it has to stop.  This also ties into effectively utilizing my time, but the bigger part is not being tired.  I force myself to get up at a decent hour after staying up way too late and then I’m a zombie for the whole day.  How amazing would it be to go to bed at a decent hour and get up early, refreshed and go about my day?  Probably just as amazing as it felt on the trail when I was asleep by 8 or 9pm and got up around 6 or 7am.

I know I can make these changes happen.  I want them.  The time has come to actually work towards my goals in life.  I used to tell myself I have decades to do all the traveling, exploring, volunteering, etc. I want to do.  The truth is I don’t know if I have decades or not.  Even if I do, why put it off?  I will not put it off any longer, but as with everything, these changes will take time.  As always, I am a work in progress.

My head has been crazy these days.  I feel a little lost, and I’m not sure what I want to do with my life or what I want out of life.  A couple times in the past week I have considered going back to therapy to try to get my head straight.  Instead I’ve decided to give yoga a try.  I think it will be more therapeutic than lying on a couch talking to a shrink.  Since my husband is underway I’m also eating better, which greatly improves how I feel.  Another goal of mine is to give up caffeine and alcohol while he is gone.

The hardest part in all of this will be when my husband gets back.  Hopefully I won’t fall back into unhealthy eating when he gets back.  I know I’m going to enjoy a beer with him now and then, but the goal is for it to be less often than before.  If I do really enjoy yoga and get into it I need to make sure I keep going when he gets home instead of skipping it frequently to spend time with him.

I know I’m constantly saying I’m going to try to change things about myself, but this time feels different.  Right now it’s not so much that I want to change but I NEED to change.

One week ago I came back from Charlottesville with a decent idea of changes I wanted to make in my life.  I have had a week to start implementing these changes.

I have been using my time more wisely.  I can’t say that I don’t waste a decent amount of time as well, but I am more efficient than I used to be.  Rather than putting off homework or chores, I just do them.  When I take breaks doing homework they’re a little longer than they need to be, but it’s a start.  I a stay up way later than I need to doing nothing of importance, but I’m acknowledging it more and going to bed earlier than I used to.  I’m still not getting to bed as early as I need to, but I am getting a decent amount of sleep.  I don’t feel as rested as I want to be, but at least I’m making progress.

The day after I got back from Charlottesville I filled out the membership form for the PATC and sent it in.  Zach and I are officially members of the PATC!  On the form I checked the boxes saying we were interested in helping with trail, cabin and hut maintenance, but I have yet to hear anything from them concerning it.  We shall see.  I went on the website for the Charlottesville chapter of the PATC and found out they do hikes every Saturday, and the last Saturday of every month is when they do trail maintenance.  Guess who’s going to be hiking with them every last Saturday of the month?  This girl!  I still need to look up other volunteer opportunities locally, but it’s a start.

This weekend I am hanging out in Charleston, SC with some friends.  Next weekend I’m going backpacking.  The first weekend of May I’m going to DC to see the Smithsonian with a friend.  I’m not traveling to foreign countries or across the country, but I’m getting out there.  I’m not just sitting around my house fantasizing about going places and doing things.

I have been eating “better."  I’d say about 90% of the time I have ate distraction free.  About 98% of the time I have eaten sitting down.  I haven’t exactly been eating very healthy, but I have been eating what I want and what I enjoy.  Only once this week did I keep eating after I was full.  During my cooking classes I have not been good about only sampling our finished products.  Instead I gorged myself on 1200 calories worth of bread during my baking and pastry class.  I ate two whole servings of flan (800 calories) during my Latin cuisine class.  In addition to my previous goals I am adding one–only sample what we make in class.  There are far too many calories in what we make for me to eat all of it during class.  Eating everything in class will not help me maintain my weight.

In the mornings when Oreo is purring and rubbing up against my legs, I pet her.  When I take a break from doing homework I pet her.  At night when I’m emailing my husband I make sure to pause and pet her.  I’ve been giving her a lot more attention.  It feels good to be a better "cat mom.”

No progress has been made in the area of self transportation.  This is just the first week, so I’m not getting down on myself.  I have a plan for this.  As soon as I start work I’m riding my bike to work.  I’ll go from there.

My time wasted on my computer has been cut down significantly.  When I start goofing off and surfing the internet I stop, remind myself that wasting time now could mean not going out of town for the weekend.  That usually stops me in my tracks and gets me back to doing what I need to be doing.

All in all I am quite satisfied with my progress.  Having fairly clear goals is quite helpful.  What a concept!  I have finally something tangible to work towards.  I like it!

Many of us set out to change something in our lives, all with good intentions. We intend to change our lives for the better. I have done this plenty of times. I tell myself and others I am going to change _______, and each time I’ve done this I whole heatedly believed I would do as I said. More often than not the change did not occur. I didn’t work in order to facilitate the change. I merely thought of changing but failed to take real action.

Lately I have been more proactive in my life. Rather than having intentions I am trying to take action. Often I would find myself consciously not changing to avoid friction with others. Now I am focusing on myself and what I need to do in order to create the change in my life that I have been seeking. I don’t consider this being selfish either. By changing myself in a good way I am better able to help and to give to those around me.

A few days ago I was having breakfast with a friend and we talked about change, how in a relationship you change little, or even sometimes big, things about yourself.  This can be a good or bad, for both parties.

When I was in my early 20s I was very insecure and barely had any self esteem or confidence.  Anytime I would start dating somebody new I would learn about them, what they liked, and try to mold myself to fit what I thought they wanted.  One guy I dated straight up told me he wanted me to wear more makeup, cut my hair shorter and wear preppier clothes.  I did it.  It wasn’t the real me, but I did it because I liked him and wanted him to keep liking me.

During my first marriage I changed in a different way.  I wore what I wanted, I did what I wanted with my hair, did my makeup all crazy or didn’t wear any at all, but I acted differently.  I wasn’t my usual self.  I found that if I was upset or sad or not blah it would drastically impact my husband and our life.  Even if it was something that would blow over quickly you would think it was catastrophic.  In relationships it’s key to communicate to your partner any concerns you have with them.  If I tried to talk to him about something it was even worse.  I basically shut down and acted like all was well in the world so I didn’t have to live in a house of misery.  Not a good idea.

In my current and final marriage I have also changed in other ways.  I make the bed in the morning because I know Zach likes the bed made.  I try to pick up after myself more.  I wake up in the morning when he gets up for work and have breakfast with him.  I don’t procrastinate as much anymore because he’s the opposite of a procrastinator and is starting to rub off on me.  These are all good changes though.  I think changes like these are healthy in a relationship.  It’s practically impossible for two people to merge lives and not have to change anything about themselves.  The type of change is what’s key.

I like looking back and seeing how I’ve grown as a person over the years.  It’s been a long journey and that journey isn’t over yet.  I feel so much better these days, so much healthier emotionally.  I can honestly say life is good right now.  For many years I wasn’t able to say that.  Hopefully I’ll always be able to say life is good.

On Sunday I noticed that I hadn’t been feeling quite as peaceful and “together” as I had been for the past couple of weeks.  Yoga had been helping with this, why wasn’t it helping anymore?  After careful thought it occurred to me–I was doing yoga mechanically.

When life was peaceful and amazing I was going to yoga class everyday, reading more about yoga everyday, doing meditation and breathing exercises a couple times a week, along with all my usual schoolwork and housework and going to work.  I continued to do this, but at some point these things became something I just did because it’s what I’ve been doing.  I made a conscious decision to actively be part of my life again, or at least try.

Coincidentally (or was it fate?), this week my regular yoga instructor, Erika, said to all of at the beginning of class that our yoga practice is not something to check of our life to-do list.  She said we much be present in the moment and be part of each and ever part of our day and our life.

I am trying really hard to actively participate in every aspect of my life.  It is a struggle!  Especially when it comes to school.  I have yet to be able to “make school part of my life."  Instead, going to class really is just a check in the box.  If I don’t go I lose points for attendance, which is the only reason I go.  I think it will take a lot of time and work for school to not just be a check in the box.  I will attempt to work on that though.