You've Said Nothing, I'm Giving Up On You
Hello, Tumblr.
I haven't written in ages. And every time I come here to write, I tell you that I haven't written in ages and promise to start writing more.
One day.
For now, though, I want to just get a lot of things off my chest, out of my mind, out of my heart. We're all family here; you know I don't mind getting personal with you. And if you're a follower of my blog, you know that lately if I am not writing about Beyonce, I have something to vent about my love life...Bey had her turn last post.
Soooooo, I really like the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera. I love the lyrics. I love that Christina doesn't get all carried away as she often does vocally...she keeps it simple and sweet. And I love the emotions it evokes in me. I just watched the video for the first time. It made me cry.
One thing the song does every time I hear it, the one million times I hear it on the radio daily at work, is make me think of the current relationship I'm in.
Well, yea...I was. But then I started to miss him and thought if I changed my approach to the relationship, that things would get better. I thought if I became more loving, and kinder in the way I communicated with him, then things would improve, our love will grow stronger, and by some miracle he would metamorphosize (yes, I made that word up) into who I truly wanted him to be in my life.
I know. Such a flawed way of thinking. But for a while it worked. I became sweeter. I became more affectionate. And he both welcomed the change with open arms and mirrored my new face of love and intimacy.
However, just like every time we break apart and come back together, it wasn't long before the sirens started sounding again.
Sigh, when will Your child learn, Lord?
The first red flash came with a conversation that went a little bit like this:
B: "So what is it that you see yourself doing in the next ten years."
K: "Running my own dance studio, teaching dance."
B: "It's getting a little late for that, don't you think. Most dancers are in their early 20's."
K: "I am still young and am fully capable of being whatever it is I set out to be. Besides, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
B: "You can't use that saying in this situation."
I was puzzled, friends. And he called it a "saying".
Now before I go on, let me just point out that one of the things I have always found dodgy about Beefcake is how his entire tone and demeanor would change whenever ANYTHING spiritual or scriptural would be introduced into the conversation.
It's happened on several occasions; so often that I have joked with him and called him the devil. Seriously, ya'll...I remember one time he came in all excited about this new business venture he was undertaking. He was all, "Yea, man, if this goes through, I will be upgrading Putt-Putt!" (my car).
As he was talking his attitude was hella:
But after I responded: "Well, just pray about it! If it's in God's plan, it will work out for you. If not, don't be disappointed. Just know that He has something better in mind," he became all:
There was no, "Yea, babe, I agree. You're right." If I remember correctly, I think he grunted!
Now keep in mind, this is someone who claims to be Christian. Who says he has a relationship with the Lord. But how can you have a relationship with God, and turn around and tell me that I can't apply scripture to an element of my life outlook?
He says that he takes this cynical attitude because he thinks that whenever a person quotes scripture. that they are just citing some cliche expression that all Christians use to justify their interpretation of the situation at hand.
That ain't me, Bo. There is nothing cliche about what I do or say when it comes to my LORD. I apply scripture to EV-E-RY-THING and it comes straight from my heart; based solely on love as opposed to obligation. My relationship with God is a constant. Every achievement is credited to Him, every happy moment. Heck, every sad moment for that matter as I know that there is a message and a blessing hidden within.
Beefcake on the other hand, runs on his own logic. He attributes his success to his own hard work and doesn't find applying scripture to any aspect of his daily routine practical. When he is called out on this spiritual flaw as I call it, he tries to justify himself with more of his own man-made logic and instead of us engaging in an enlightening discussion about how good the Lord has been in our lives, a debate ensues in which he attempts to rationalize how his way of thinking makes more sense than what the Word says.
I can't get jiggy with that shit.
About two weeks ago, I bought the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. For those of you who aren't familiar, the book is a devotional spanning 40 days and by the end of that 40 days, it is the prayerful hope that one would be closer to God than when (s)he had started.
I am always on a quest to draw nearer to God, and it has always been a dream of mine to have a partner with whom I can embark on this journey, as a team.
So imagine my delight when at the beginning of the book, Rick recommended that I find a partner to engage in the 40 days with. I figured that being that Beefcake and I were working on rebuilding our relationship, what better way than stepping out in faith together.
So I called him and was like, "Babe, I got this book and I want you to go on this journey with me!" This time, I was the one who was all:
His response: "This is YOUR journey, not mine!"
Sigh.
Missed.
The whole.
Point.
Okay. I know some of you may be thinking, 'Well, he's right, in a sense.' And I would agree. But isn't love about compromise? If he wanted to do ANYTHING that would involve him bettering his relationship with God and there was ANY way that I could be a part of it, he wouldn't have to even ask me to join in...I'm already there. This is because I understand the importance of growing together spiritually and the benefits it has in the long run.
He, on the other hand, does not see this. He is completely unaware of this importance and has no interest in even TRYING to understand it.
I mean, it was one thing when he refused to go to yoga with me, although I would go to watch him in one of those ridiculous body building competitions he participates in. Do you think I LIKE the fact that he goes on stage in neon panties and flexes his damn muscles in a show of the very irritating machismo that earned him the nickname Beefcake in the first place? (Another story...I'll tell you some other time.)
But I would go. Because it is something that he enjoys doing, and I am his girlfriend and I support him in whatever he likes, whatever makes him feel good; even if it is a bit uncomfortable for me to bear.
He, on the flipside of the other hand, refuses to go to yoga with me. And it's cool. I let that slide, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I figured maybe it's because he's old...er. And his body may not be able to twist and bend and invert that way.
He's never even tried it, though...it may actually be good for him. But again, I took into considerations his physical limitations, and I let...it...slide.
But for you to say no to engaging in spiritual discussions with me? Oh hell no. It's the final straw, ya'll. This nigga just flat out said no. And what's worse is he said no before I even explained what role I would have liked him to play in it all. Basically, he was like,
...with the couch being my 40 days of purpose.
And that bothered me, ya'll. It really did. Because I have been back and forth with this man with the hopes that he and I could build something together. I overlooked so many red flags: the divorce proceedings still not yet final, the three adult children, the desire to NOT have any more children, the lack of spontaneity and romance (I had to ASK him to buy me flowers), the general vanity and self-centered behavior he occasionally exhibits, his need to be right and his power-point presentations heard in every disagreement, the fact that we don't really make a "cute couple".
Yes, I overlooked it all because of all the great things he has been for me and that he has done for me. But I can hear the Lord telling me now, "I TOLD YOU that his purpose was fulfilled in your life...move on!!" And He has told me...several times. But I does have a hard head sometimes. Sigh. It's called being human.
One thing I cannot overlook, though, is the fact that we aren't spiritually connected and may never be. When I told him this the last time we spoke, he tried to deviate from the conversation by coddling me. I wanted to kick him in his mouth. I am sitting here trying to have a serious conversation with him and he starts stroking my cheek and kissing me on my forehead like, "There, there, little baby, what can daddy do to make it better?"
Nigga, if you don't get'cho ole...
I'm done, ya'll. I don't want to talk about this any more; don't want to talk about him. As Christina and homey with the Jew fro sang: He was the one...that I loved...and I'm saying goodbye.
I will say that before he left, he asked me what I wanted to do about the situation. Although I already knew what the answer was, I told him I would pray about it. He said that he would do the same, although I wasn't convinced of such. I think he sensed this as he called me before he even left out of the compound to reiterate his plan...which only led me to be even less sure of it.
I didn't really care, though. I'd had my answer for days prior to our conversation. What's funny is I hadn't heard from him since that night. I guess in his prayer, God told him to f**k off on my behalf.
My nigga Jee.
Good night, ya'll...<3
K.
