It's Bigger On The Inside

paperantlerss:

It was a warm, Sunday morning when I realized I have lost myself completely. In thirteen full moons I’ve ripped out pieces of myself and scattered them in various places. I must’ve thought they’d all somehow find their way back to me, but in the end, they remained lost. You mustn’t make homes out of people, they said. That was my first mistake. Now I only cling unto the life of an oblivion, and hope that in a far, distant universe light years away, my old self lives and breathes, stuck in between.

There is a strange feeling when you share your work. It’s like walking around naked, unmasked and vulnerable, prone to hard whips and blows from angry, blurry mobs of people. I wanted it to be over and hide away, possibly wrap a thick, tangled web around myself and never have to deal with the lashes again. At the same time, I am tempted to stay. Whenever I am confronted by my fears my soul gets tipped off the precipice of moving or staying still, if I should push myself even further and fall off or stay where I stand and keep safe from everything underneath.

There is a voice in my head that won’t keep still. And it won’t fade or mute itself down, until it is the only voice that I write. At times I could feel it taking over me, stripping away other trails of thoughts that I have until I could find anything (oftentimes a table napkin) I could write on. When you’ve shied yourself away from words, they get tangled in your throat the way Christmas lights do when they’re stored in boxes for too long, and could only come out as wisps in your lips.

Yes, I have lost myself for a while back there, and it took me days and days to figure out how to live out of this dread. But I think you aren’t supposed to find yourself in a lifetime. Some things should stay lost when they get lost, I’ve realised this when I tried to restore the pieces. You either create something new out of the debris, or torture yourself in trying to revive a dead tree.

Plant a new one, then. That’s what they say. You have to plant a new one.

(via dearprongs-deactivated-deactiva)