Let’s be real, I’ve been talking about quarter life crises since I was 16. I clearly didn’t believe I had a long shelf life going for me then, but as I’ve recently settled into the strange thing they call my early twenties, I suppose “quarter” is finally almost appropriate. I have lately found that I have some trouble staying present, resulting in a quarter life crisis or two every few months.
One of my best and most brilliant friends from college got into a program in NYC and part of me wants to sign on and start school in the fall with her just to fulfill our life plan to live out there at the same time. It makes me a little anxious (read: VERY anxious) thinking about the fact that I can’t defer my offer again. If I pass on it again this year—I’m pretty sure I’m actually passing on it– as in saying I don’t want it – and prolonging the gameplan-less wonder.
Don’t get things twisted. I’m grateful for where I am right now. I live in a great city where family is only an hour flight away. I have a full time job with benefits—I get to work part-time for an NGO I really care about, work on my research project, and make music in the spare time. I’m generally quite happy and completely self sufficient of mom and dad. However, I don’t quite feel like I’ve made it and am instead, rendered an eternal work in progress.
Now ordinarily, that would be okay, but progressing towards what exactly? I’m almost a year out of graduation and I haven’t made the decisions I thought I would’ve yet. This time last year I thought I would’ve had a solid verdict on grad school and that I’d have a clearer picture of how I want to translate my life theories into praxis. I haven’t and I don’t, and I’m actually more confused than ever.
My current goals are nebulous and frankly, right now I feel over-interested, excited by too many things, and a little bit wayward. So I suppose the biggest indication that I’m not ready to go back to school is that I don’t feel all-in and ready to commit. But who ever really does? Not a rhetorical question, I’d like to grab coffee with you.
Just putting it out there.
-Elaine
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