like i am accommodating when it comes to psychiatry n psychology i have done the same shit over and over and stayed on meds that don’t work and done psychotherapy that has deteriorated my mental state and like i still am stuck with like… the knowledge that if i had done things differently accessing help would be easier now like if only I had been more //compliant// but like shit I did the best I could. the biggest thing was that… i took myself of my MAOI bc I wasn’t able to see my treatment team and do it with their knowledge/support. my therapist regularly cancelled our appointments and I wouldn’t see her for months at a time, and i needed to go through her to see my pdoc. she was incredibly unreliable and wouldn’t assess any issue I came to her with. I told her I was experiencing paranoia and she dismissed it, saying we would deal with it next appointment which was cancelled and i didnt hear from her for ~3 months at which time she discharged me, wiping all my diagnoses, despite the fact that I told her my eating disorder was getting worse. that summer i became increasingly agitated and paranoid until I eventually stopped taking my meds believing that she was using them to poison me. the next time I tried to access help like… I was told my problem was that I kept taking myself off my medication (I was put back on SSRIs which I argued rlly strongly against and was against the judgement of my previous pdoc) and if I just kept taking it I would be fine. there’s lots of little things but like… im tryna be compassionate to my past self bc she did everything she could first you know and even if she didn’t like… i deserve to be taken as i am and as i describe myself and not like… from notes written by an irresponsible therapist years ago.