How to Land a Guy in 10 Days
Lately, I have come to the conclusion that I am really good at getting guys. It’s almost as if the fairy godmother of cool decided to permanently live inside my body and party. I have felt for a while that I needed to share my gift with my reader (shout out to at-home-red-headed-girl, shout out to you.) I just didn’t want to seem cocky. But at this point I’m like screw it, the world needs to know and frankly, The Millionaire Matchmaker needs to hear this, too. I mean she is good, but she’s a little too traditional for my taste. I am more of a 2011 Love Expert. Anyway, I promise that if you listen to everything I say, you will have a guy begging to buy you a Qdoba burrito in an hour TOPS.
First things first, you have to know where to find these male specimens. I mean anyone can meet a guy at a bar or at a party. But you, my precious pupil, aren’t like everyone else. I’ve put together a short list of places where you are sure to find love:
A Cash for Gold Center- Think about it…first he has gold, so he’s either a pirate or one of those guys that only wears wife beaters, basketball shorts, and gold chains and has a chest tattoo that says something suave like “I Believe I Can Fly.” Either of those options are totally hot. But now, he has CASH. So who’s going on a shopping spree to The Buckle?! You are!
A Men’s Bathroom- A complete amateur might try and call this bold move “creepy” but they are probably still using that “don’t text him Quotes from The Notebook 20 minutes after your first date” rule. Let me paint you a picture. There you are in your favorite little black dress and 6 inch heels, leaning up against the urinal of a 7Eleven smoking a Camel Crush. Do you know what that image says to a man? It says “Wow, not only is that girl really proactive in taking control of her life, but she isn’t afraid of germs, and I love that.”
The Scene of A Car Accident- Everyone, at one point, has looked over at a stop light and seen someone really attractive in the Le Sabre next to them. Most would try to gain eye contact and give them a wink or something, but I think you need to be a little more forward than that. I’m thinking collision. It will give you something to talk about right off the bat and insurance will just pay for the rest.
Now that you’ve landed the man of your dreams, I want to make sure and leave you with the proper hypothetical tools in your hypothetical toolbox so that you can continue to shine in your relationship.
1. Make absolutely no effort in your appearance. If your man doesn’t find you attractive after you haven’t showered for a week and smell weirdly similar to a Whataburger, then he obviously isn’t the one.
2. When he says things like “Hey, I think I am going to go out with my friends tonight. Call ya tomorrow?” you must respond with “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! YOU TOLD ME YOU’D WATCH ROSEANNE WITH MY FAMILY. DO YOU NOT EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE? SHOULD I JUST UNBUILD THAT TREE HOUSE I MADE FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME YOUR PARENTS WOULDN’T LET YOU HAVE ONE AS A CHILD?” It’s important for him to know how much your relationship means to you and how not okay you are with him having social or emotional contact with any other human being including his mother.
3. Plan lots of fun, yet clever dates. A few of my favorites are:
-Glamour Shots: There is no better way to grow closer emotionally than dressing up in themed costumes and provocatively posing.
-Visiting your Grandmother in the Nursing Home: Having your Nana throw spinach at him and call him “Janine” will be the perfect segway into talking about starting a family. He will be in his caretaking mode, so right in between rubbing her corns and rolling her wheelchair to dinner just look him straight in the eyes and say “I want our own little miniature version of this. Lets reproduce, babe.” and if he responds with “Um..I’ve only known you for two weeks and we are only 20 years old,” then you are definitely not on the same page.
-Reenacting Episodes of Criminal Minds: I’m not going to explain why this is fun and beneficial to a relationship. It just speaks for itself.
4. If he doesn’t answer your texts, that’s fine. He’s playing hard to get. Real women don’t play games, so keep texting him. I don’t just mean like a few “hey, just call me when you get a chance” text messages. I’m talking full-fledged, fill-his-inbox-to-capacity texting. He’s going to love it. He’s going to see those messages and be like “marry me. now.” Do you know why? Because you took matters in your own hands and weren’t afraid to get what you want.
5. Take every opportunity to cry. Crying gets you anything you could ever want. He wants to play Call of Duty but you want to watch A League of Their Own and make crepes? Cry. His brother is on leave from Afghanistan for three days but you scheduled a couples yoga retreat? Cry. He doesn’t want to learn how to french braid your hair? Cry. Another great thing crying provides is the opportunity for him to comfort you. If you’re always crying, then he’s always comforting you and you’re always hugging. See how this all works?
Seriously guys, thank me later.
Katherine