My Very Rational Irrational Fears
Everybody has that one little embarrassing irrational fear that they keep to themselves, right? Maybe you’re afraid that your childhood dolls will come to life and haunt you or you suffer from a severe case of pteronophobia, the fear of being tickled by feathers. Do not fear, my friends. I am here to put all of your silly little fears to ease by showing you that there is in fact someone out there with even weirder fears than you. Or possibly just a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder.
1. Ladybugs. Ever since the ole ladybug infestation of ’05, I’ve never been able to look at those tiny red demons the same. I once had an assumedly dead ladybug living on my ceiling for over a year, then one day it just up and flew away. I don’t understand why, but I’ll never be able to get over that moment for as long as I’m alive.
2. Every day I wake up in fear that I’m accidently going to mistake a bottle of superglue for my eye drops and will fuse my eyeballs to my eyelids, therefore never being able to open my eyes again.
3. Every time I get into my car after dark, I must perform a very particular ritual that I like to call a “burglar check,” which consists of me walking in a circle around my car. If I somehow forget to check before I drive home, I will become terrified and constantly flick my lights on and look back, as if to catch the burglar in the act of crawling out of my back seat to kill me. So far, the “burglar check” has proved successful.
4. Due to my extreme dislike for milk and my low calcium levels, I’m particularly concerned that at any given moment, all of my teeth will spontaneously crumble into tiny pieces and fall out of my mouth. According to some dream analysts, this could also be taken to mean that I’m “not in control of my own life,” but we’ll just go with the whole milk theory.
5. I can never go late to a dinner party, because I have a crippling fear that all of the food will be eaten and I will starve. I blame this completely on my “neglected middle-child syndrome.”
6. This is definitely my most shallow fear, but I’m going to tell you anyways, and you’re not going to judge me. I’m afraid that no one is going to write on my Facebook wall for my birthday. Or just tell me happy birthday in general. This is weird to me, because I HATE celebrating my birthday and the attention that comes along with it. But at the same time, I would be devastated if I received anything less than a million “HBDs” on my Facebook.
7. Spoon or fork? This mind-shattering question is usually the hardest decision of my day. I fear that if I choose the wrong utensil for my daily microwavable Lean Cuisine, I will spend the rest of my day wondering how my life could have been different if I had used a fork instead of a spoon.
8. Since I was little, I have had a fear that I’m accidently going to yell out something extremely inappropriate during church and everyone will look at me and whisper that the poor Davis girl has lost her marbles. I secretly think I have a mild case of Tourettes, so this fear is very real to me. I think this might also be a sign of some sort of deeper psychological issue, but we’ll worry about that later.
9. Ceiling fans. I have always been afraid that my ceiling fan will spontaneously detach from the ceiling and start flying around the room like a razor-sharp Chinese throwing star. I mean, those things can spin pretty fast if they’re not properly bolted to the ceiling. And don’t try to tell me that that thought doesn’t cross your mind every time you see a wobbly ceiling fan. It doesn’t? Oh. Ok. Nevermind.
-Faith
