Trigger warning: describes molestation and abuse

I had an unfortunate introduction to sex and to men. A virgin at 15 (unlike many of my peers), I was molested by a friend’s stepdad. I’ve still never told anybody.

At 16, I was shy, awkward, and low on self-esteem but hung with a dodgy crowd (I still have a preponderance for wrong-doing) and was (I see now) incredibly, vulnerably beautiful. Ripe to be made a victim of. The one to take advantage was a petite joker of a guy seven years my senior, at first seemingly harmless compared to his burly mates that my friends were dating. That was a very clever façade and after “shedding” my virginity with him, he made the next year of my life a hell of verbal, psychological and sexual abuse.

Cut to 10 years later, and after a decade of picking up men and “using” them for sex, cultivating a fierce, ice queen demeanour that I was rather proud of, I had still never experienced an orgasm. I thought there was something wrong with ME–too cold, too broken, wired wrong. Most of the men I’d been with had made me feel like that.

Then, in the most unexpected circumstances, came T., a man overflowing with issues and drama but who I had an insane sexual attraction to: couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, he consumed my thoughts. Against all advice, we finally got together and the two month period I spent with that man was the most enlightening, awakening thing ever to happen to my sexuality. He could make me orgasm all over, again and again, until my eyes and my toes and my entire soul filled with stars. He was a penniless stoner, semi-alcoholic, behaved like an alpha in public but when we were alone together, he emptied his whole self into me.

And now I know and understand what sex can be, what a man can be, what I can be. 2.5 years on, I’ve never found anyone to match him. He is hard to move on from, but worth pain. So worth the pain.

6abuse, molestation, self-harm, target, self-esteem, virginity, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, orgasm, pleasure, relationships, exploration, shame, The Cost of Shame, Cost of Shame, Do Tell, submission,