It's ok to care

October 20, 2012

If it Ain’t Broke, Chris Brown will Break it.

Allegedly, one of the best ways to improve your memory is to create a “memory castle” by assigning important thoughts to different rooms in an imaginary structure that exists only in your mind. After a while, you get to know the schematics of the entire castle, and you can access more memories and make faster connections through the hallways, stairways, and doorways you’ve laid out for yourself. I haven’t created my own memory castle yet, but if I did, I’m sure it would be a really cool place to hang out. Somewhere in the upper floors, in what would become my favorite room, I would build a special turret surrounded by clouds. I’d go there to relax, to reward myself, to focus. There, in a light filled chamber at the top of a spiral staircase, I would keep Rihanna. She’d wear a sequined pink bikini that would fill the room with glittering flecks of light like a disco ball as she’d move, dancing in slow-motion and holding a strong drink. Her hair would shift magically from one perfect style to the next in an unending and unpredictable procession. Watching her, I could transcend all earthly trials and free my mind from worry in an instant.

Because I can’t really keep Rihanna locked up Rapunzel-style in an imaginary princess tower in my mind, I just google image her a lot. Like, constantly. But the effect is the same. Her beauty is mesmerizing, and looking at pictures of her puts me into a state of relaxed bliss that feels like a higher level of consciousness. You guys, Rihanna is the most beautiful woman alive. I’ve seen her in a million looks, styles and (slightly) different sizes, and she kills it in all of them. In a word, the woman is perfect.

Unless you’re Chris Brown. Chris Brown thinks she might look better ~~beaten beyond recognition~~, I MEAN with bigger boobs. And now, Rihanna’s out looking for a plastic surgeon.

Rihanna is the queen of Fuck It, the queen of YOLO, the queen of I Do What I Want, and I love her for that. I can’t say I’m exactly comfortable with her return to her abuser, but I am resigned to the fact that the choice to do so belongs only to her. For the same reasons, she reserves the right to undergo elective surgery. But I really REALLY wish she wouldn’t, because those boobies are perfect. (ps- small boobs rule)

We can’t hide Rihanna and her boobs away in a cloud chamber safe from harm where she can dance all day by herself. All we can do is look on from afar, wringing our hands and sweating bullets like we’re watching MacGyver disable a bomb. Hopefully, she’ll leave Chris Brown choking in her dust and tearing his shirt off in anger (he loves to do that) before any boobs are harmed in the process. But, if she doesn’t, it’s her mistake to make. #YOLO.