Dec 25, 1994
Mery Chrismas!!! My Mom and Daddy give me this jornal for Chrismas. It is red and prity and Im gona rite in it ever day!!! I got a Lion King sleeping bag from Santa to!!! I got a ech o skech from Santa to!!! I got a calidiscope for Santa to!!! I got a Bambi movie from my Daddy!!! I love you Daddy!!! I got super spray chalk from Nana!!! But Mom says it has to be for outside use only!!! But the snow has to melt or I cant use it rite now!!! Last nite was fun we watched the Grinch cartoon and the little dogy was so funny and we ate yummy food and cookies and talked about baby Jesus our Saveyor who come to earth. I love Chrismas!!! I love my red jornal!!! Im gona rite in it every day!!!
Sept 21, 1995
I had a lesson today in church about jornals and how we got to rite in them every day and that it is good to do that. Even thow it says in gold on the front of my jornal that my name is NICOLE CATHERINE WATTERSON I want my name on the inside of my jornal to say NICOLE CINNAMON WATTERSON. My Daddys favorite foods has cinnamon in them like cinnamon rolls and cinnamon bears and cinnamon toast and he calls me his little cinnamon bear even thow I’m NOT so little anymore. My mom put me in time out in my room and I’m as mad as he_ _ (the hot place). My Sunday school teacher Sister Jensen said it is bad to almost say bad words but not as bad as saying bad words. My friend Katie in primary says Im lucky because I dont have any brothers or sisters to yell at me or to have to share with or who pull my ponytail and make me cry. I thawt so to until today. After church Mom said I dumped out all her Prell shampoo and she just bought it and it cost alot and dont I know that Daddys not working rite now and money dont grow on trees??? Well I said I did NOT do that and maybe she left the lid off her own self and maybe it just eggsploded or sumpthing. Cause I DIDNT do it! She said that SHE didnt do it and she knows Daddy didn’t do it and since we dont have a cat anymore now that Mr Wiggles got smashed flat as a flatjack (SAD) and there is nobody else in this house but you young lady. I got mad and I yelled and she yelled and Im here in my room now and I HATE her rite now. Im GLAD her Prell got spilled but it really wasnt me and I dont even care if all her dumb hair falls out and Im GLAD she is going to start working at night cause Daddy would have beleeved me if he was home. Daddy always beleeves me.
Sept 22, 1995
This jornal is fun because no one can read it but me and I can rite crazy things like blah blah blah blah and no one ever says, Stop that Young Lady or anything. I can draw a picture here like this picture of a clown car or just whatever. I can tell what Im scared of witch is the dark sometimes. I can rite absolutly anything! Good night!
Sept 24, 1995
I am soooo tired but I had the funnest night with Daddy! He was looking sad and just sitting in his chair watching dumb old football and I asked him that since mom was at work could we have a Daddy dawter date like we did in the summer. At first he told me dates cost money but I told him we could just go for a drive or eat just like one McDonalds hamberger. He laffed and said OK and he took me SWIMMING at the reck center! We swam and played and he gave me a sholder ride even thow I’m getting very big and we got so hungry after that I ate 2 McDonalds hambergers (my favorite axept the pickles that I gave to Daddy) and he ate a Big Mac and 2 cheese bergers. When we got home I was so cold Daddy said my lips were blue. Daddy asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him like I used to when I was little. He must have forgot that mom said last year now that Im too big to take baths with mom or showers with Daddy. So then I took a Bubble bath by myself and Daddy read to me while I was in the bath and he read me my Junie B Jones book about a yuky bluky fruit cake and it was really funny because Daddy always does the voices when he reads to me. After the bath I was all pruny and so tired and Daddy wanted to put lotion on me even thow I hardly ever spill all the lotion anymore when I do it. And he got the lotion out but then our doorbell got broke rite then! And it went DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG and Daddy said a bad word and I told him he was NOT supposed to say bad words and he had to get his tool box and fix the door bell. Axept he didn’t fix it he just made it so it didn’t work at all any more. So I got tired and got into my jamys and got into bed and then I got out and got my jornal to rite in it because I told Sister Jensen it was my goal.
Oct 3, 1995
I’m so sad tonight. When I got home from school mom was getting ready to go to her new job and Daddy was already in bed! Mom had to go and she was mad Daddy did that and said that going to bed wont fix our money problem and that he was supost to call Bishop Madsen back because he wanted Daddy to go work at the wellfair cannery some time and that I should tell him. I was mad at mom cause its not Daddys falt that he is sick or sumpthing and went to bed and its not Daddys falt that his job got redoosed and that he cant find a job. I knew just what to do with Daddy in bed so I tried to be quiet and I ate my favorite dinner that is just pieces of cheese and potato chips that I squeeze dots of Katchup on. I went to be real quiet and go in Daddys room but his door was locked and so I just went and watched Nickalodian and now its bed time and mom will be home very late so Im just saying my prayers and going to bed.
Oct 13, 1995
I had a very bad dream last night. In my dream it was in a hallway that was a hospital hallway and it was kind of dark and at the end was a door and I knew that I had to look through the little window in that door but I didnt want to but I did. I saw my Daddy in the hospital bed and he had tubes and a thing on his face and he looked real sick and real bad and I got real scared. I could see he wasnt by hisself in the room cause a woman that had long red hair and scary eyes and a white white face and she was drest like a nurse. That nurse opened the door cause she saw I was looking in the window and she had a scary face like a mask and her eyes were like mask holes and she said im sorry Cinnamon but your Daddy is not well and I have to take him away. I told that nurse she was rong that Daddy was just sad sometimes and not sick and that she was totaly rong. She just stared at me with her gross white face and black eyes then she shut the hospital room door and locked me out so I couldnt see Daddy. I knocked on the little window and Daddy saw me and I saw he was tied to the bed somehow and he tried to get off but couldnt and he yelled Cinnamon!!! Help me!!!“ I tried to do sumpthing and I tried to open that door but the nob wouldnt move a bit and then the nurse just shut the curtain around her and around Daddy and then I coudnt see nothing. Just then I woke up and it was dark still and I got so scared. I ran into Daddys room and he moved over and let me lay by him and held me tite. The next day witch is today I kind of forgot all the dream and everything but then I opened my closet to get me a shirt I wanted to wear and I saw sumpthing funny witch was 3 white flowers that were so pretty just laying on my floor of my closet. So they looked eggactly like the flowers mom plants in the back yard witch are carnashuns, only it didnt look like they got pulled up or were old or anything. I knew 2 things rite then that I did not put those flowers in the closet and that if mom saw that I would be in dutch so I put it in this shoe box that I hide all my good tresure in under my bed but when I got up from the bed I looked in the closet again and it was still open and it was sumpthing awful strange. There was no shoes and roller skates and toys and stuff on the closet floor. All that stuff was on the closet floor but it was stakt up neetly on the sides of the closet floor and not all over the closet floor that I am pretty much famus for a messy closet floor and then I thoght it was wierd because those flowers were just in the middle of that floor all by thereselfs and then I remebered my scary dream and I got scared again. I was gona go tell Daddy about it but I got worried that he was gona think that I had that dream cause I was mad at him or sumpthing and he is already sad lots and so I didnt want to make him more sad. Also I new that Mom wouldnt have beleeved me at all anyways and I didnt want to get in dutch over the flowers and I wasnt reely that scarred about the flowers just that bad dreem.
Oct 16, 1995
I went to church today with mom but Daddy stayed home. He didn’t say why but I guess hes sick but when I asked mom she said keep yourself to yourself Nicole. I sat one chair away from her at church cause she isn’t very nice to me or to Daddy.
Oct. 17, 1995 (Yey bring on Halloween!!!)
I went to school and stuff and a boy there (gross) named Daniel gave me a note that was for an other boy (gross again) named Jose and in it it said Do You Like Me??? and then a box for YES and and a box for NO. Well I told my BFF which is best friend forever you know Abby about it and she got mad and said that she liked Jose and that I knew she thawt he was hot. I said duh Abby dont worry about it Abby cause Jose is totally not someone I like and all and I dont even like boys as much as her anyways. Plus I didnt say anthing about this to Abby but Jose is short and always brags that he has a mustash witch he kind of does but whatever. Well then Abby wasn’t mad but I had to respond so I checkt the NO and underlined it like 5 times with my red marker so he would know I was serius. I just dont understand why Abby likes boys cause they are wierd and gross and always push each other. I guess if I had to say I like any boy (AS A FRIEND!!!) it would be Jenner because we are in reading circle and he is always nice and quiet and doesnt ever tease people who acidently mix up the words GAZED and GRAZED when they are reading a farm story even when other kids laugh. He also has brown hair like mine and that is sumpthing about it too. But I dont like him exept as a friend anyways
Oct 18, 1995
I had a dream again with that red haired lady but this time she was nice and not scary. I was laying down and watching Scooby Doo because Daddy had to make a quick trip into town witch is just fine because I’m already 9 and can babysit myself pretty much. He said he was going to get me a present and when I said we dont have money for presents he said this is secret money and a secret present. So I was layin on the floor watching TV and musst have fell to sleep because I started to dream. The dream hapined at our church and it was durring primary and I was the only one in the primary class like sometimes happens in the sumertime and Sister Parker came in and said Cinnamon, your teacher Sister Jensen is sick today so you have a new teacher and then the red haired lady came in. I think she was the same lady exep her face was nice and pretty and she had green eyes not an old dead face with black eyes but her hair red thow. She said hello Cinnamon and said her name was Emma and she had a speshul lesson for me today. At first I was scarred because I remembered her in my dream at the hospital. But it cant be the same lady because Emma was very nice and very pretty she sat close in front of me. She talked about Jesus and stuff and how Jesus never wanted bad things to happen to children for he loved all the little children. She said that sometimes people are sick and they hurt children and that Jesus said it was better for a mills stone to drownd them in the ocean then to hurt a child. I asked what a mills stone was and she said it was a big rock. I asked Emma if she was a nurse durring the week and she said she used to be a nurse and now she is a ajent and a helper. I asked if she had kids and she said she had kids but they grew up. I thawt that was funny because she wasn’t a granma or anything but I didn’t say nothing because that would be rude. She asked me what I would do if someone was going to try to hurt a child that I knew like a cousin or a friend. I said I would call the police or tell my dad. She asked what should happen to that bad person and I said that if Jesus said they should be drownd, then they should be drownd. When I woke up I remembered my hole dream and since Daddy wasn’t home, I just got out my jornal.
Oct 25, 1995
I have VERY exiting news!!! Daddy says I cant tell anyone, but he didnt say I cant rite it in my jornal so I will!!! He says he thinks I can be a model someday!!! The secret surprise he got me was a speshul cameral that Daddy bought for me and him for me to practice being a model. We have to be careful because Daddy told me that Mom wouldnt like me borowwing her make up to practis even thow it is just a little bit and she has lots so thats why its secret. Daddy has already taken lots of pictures of me and I get to pick my own outfits. He helps me to pose for the pictures and he knows about modeling because he read a library book about it. We took pictures with my dresses and my swiming suit just like Miss America on TV and we laffed and laffed. Daddy even asked me to take a picture of him witch was so funny because he pretended to be Mr. Universe and stuff. He is crazy and so fun. I know Mom wouldnt have fun like that with me. Sometimes I wish she was always at work. Daddy says I am so beautiful and I have high cheek bones and perfect hair and skin for modeling. He says models make lots of money and only have to take pictures for a few hours for their job, and that is just easy and fun.
Oct 28, 1995
I don’t think I want to be a model after all. Daddy told me more about how sometimes models dont get to pick there own outfits and still just have to wear what there boss tells them. He showed me an outfit that he said he bought for me, but when I went into the bathroom to put it on, it was very hard to put on, and I didn’t know how and he came in to show me how to put it on, but I didn’t like it AT ALL so I said I didnt want to wear it and Daddy got mad and said he paid good money for that outfit. Money we didnt have. So we took some pictures but I started to cry and Daddy got very serius and told me to change my close and then he went into his room and didnt come out. I feel so sad rite now because I dont want to be a model even thogh at first it was lots of fun. I just went and nocked on Daddys door to say goodnight but he just said goodnight and didnt open the door.
Oct 30, 1995
I just woke up and it is still dark but the red haired lady in my dream told me I had to rite down my dreem imeeditly after I woke up. She said that this would be the last dream she would visit me in and that I needed to rite it down. In my dreem we were just in my bedroom and she came in the door and sat on the bed and played with my hair witch I liked because she was soft and nice. She said that she was at our home to help our family and needed to do sumpthing that was hard to do but nesasary. She asked if I would let her help us. I said yes and told her I wanted her to help my Daddy because he has been all quiet and sad again and not talking to me. She said that is the reason she has been in my dreams and that she can help. She says that because she used to be a nurse she knows Daddy is sick and that if I let her she can save him before he gets any worse. She said that very soon she would go to him and would help him if I gave her permishon. I told her yes please help him.
November 1st, 1995
I don’t have much time. The mother will be home any minute. The father took the child trick-or-treating throughout the neighborhood and both seemed to be in good spirits. The child gorged herself on sweets and then, amazingly, even with all that sugar in her system, fell asleep on her bed cover. I had been watching from inside the father’s bedroom. I sat in my customary place at the foot his bed and watched him wander the room, Polaroids in hand. I saw the signs I have seen many times before and knew it would be tonight. I went to the child and even though she was sleeping sweetly in her kitten outfit, surrounded by candy wrappers, it still registered when I again asked for her permission to enter. She turned toward me, eyes still closed, sighed and said, "Yes”.
When he came to me and began the careful, exploratory caresses and touches that would push him to do it, I kept very still. He whispered, “My Cinnamon Bear. My Cinnamon Bear.” over and over. Only after he had ignored my pleas in her tender voice of “No Daddy No”, was I forced to act. I broke from his grip and ran through the parent’s room and into their walk-in shower. He followed and entered the shower, blocking the door, driving me into the porcelain corner, and turning on the warm water. He knelt before me fully clothed under the water and began to kiss me. I did not resist this time. I put my arms around his neck tightly. His eyes were closed when my sharp little teeth easily found the external jugular which was pulsing with his excitement. He was too stunned to do more than stagger around on his knees, and the combination of the water and my fierce grip helped him to bleed out quickly. It was over in less than two minutes, but the the rest of it took me until dawn. By the time the sun arose, I had strained nearly every muscle in the dear little body for he was a large man and not easily moved. Digging with tools that were much too large and unwieldy for the little hands was challenging, but I made sure to dig at least four good feet into the garden soil. As for the mess, the shower made it possible to do everything with very little cleaning and I only had to sacrifice a few towels, some plastic from the garage, and of course, the child’s kitten outfit, all of which went into the hole with him.
This diary will be placed under the mother’s bed. It will be found soon enough. I have learned over time that this is necessary. I have inserted the irrefutable photos into the pages of the diary as further proof. I know the mother will suspect something when she finds her husband missing and her child completely exhausted, muscles strained. I know in my heart that she has suspected something for a while. If only the mother knew the horrid punishment in store for those of who us suspect harm to little ones, yet do nothing. Perhaps it isn’t too late for her.
As soon as I hear the mother walk in the door, I regrettably must leave this sweet form even now so full of life. The child will remember nothing of this night, her innocence still intact. I profess this to be no small consolation for the bitter business I find myself in.
If only I could save them all.
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