My first week in Chicago has demonstrated a number of new realities for me. Yes, I’m still adjusting, and yes, I’m currently living out of boxes (and random items strewn about in my car)… while crashing at a friend’s until early next week. But, already, I’m sensing the possibility for the change I’ve long sought after. Regardless of the limitations I’m throwing myself into, and despite the many challenges I’m about to face, I’m happy. I know this is precisely what I’m supposed to be doing.

I feel a distinct connection with my career change. My move was relatively sudden, and it certainly maintains a sense of randomness. But, more than that, it was a necessary change; one that, above all, I have demanded of myself. Committing to a year of service has provided an evolved outlook. I finally feel able to actively participate with my philosophy - to tangibly demonstrate empathy and love. Perhaps this sounds a bit self-righteous, but that is not my intent. I don’t feel called to serve others at a food bank because I’ll receive some sense of personal accomplishment or gratification; I am devoted to this mission because I’m no longer allowing myself to recognize the great injustices of our society while consciously removing myself from action. I am attacking the systemic hypocrisy that has long-been embedded within me in order to live out the philosophy I so freely espouse as my reality.

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Change used to frighten me. Growing up, I had formulated this unwavering mindset; one that, regardless of circumstance, held tightly to a specific plan, belief, and course of action. I knew what I wanted, and nothing was going to change me. In many ways, this was a foundational mindset that permeated throughout everything I believed. Certainly, there were some positives to this, as it developed a commitment to perseverance and dedication. But it also closed me off to realities that I didn’t recognize, and often left me unaware of my own pretentious nature.

When my fundamental understanding of this world began to evolve - namely, when I realized I was not in fact a Christian - my entire life shifted with it. It’s amazing how central one’s spirituality can be to the totality of their life, and it was not until I recognized and engaged with that change that I truly began to understand myself. I’m not, of course, claiming that Christianity in itself is inherently immoral - nor would I claim this about any religion. What I am saying, however, is that I discovered claiming a faith that I wasn’t really living - and one I was inevitably going to reject, anyway - was at the core of my hypocritical being. Faith, particularly in my early 20’s, was a facade; it was a fake reality that I used to mask myself from experiencing life more fully. I knew then that I had questions, doubts, and a growing desire to explore life outside the parameters of a Christian belief system. What I didn’t realize, however, was that suppressing my doubt out of an odd sense of loyalty (Christianity was all I ever knew) was incalculably more crippling than the initial pain - and lasting struggle - that leaving the faith exacted on me.

I still feel pains from this change. But I also sense a freedom, and an even stronger commitment to spirituality, than I had felt previously. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and I certainly don’t conclude that my beliefs regarding faith have to be perceived as ‘right’. Instead, I’m attempting to build a belief system that allows me to be consciously selfless, intentionally humble, and eternally loving. I’m far from this reality, but I’ll keep seeking the necessary change in order to fulfill this mission.

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Too often, I get caught up in idealized beliefs… to the point that they become impractical. I view a new, beautiful potential, but I do so entirely in a 'big picture’ mindset, leaving my ability to enact it impossible. Given my desire to realize this ambitious disposition, but unable to do so out of confusion as to how to begin, I feel debilitated. Then I become self-critical. Then defeated.

The remedy for this is evinced in my move to Chicago: I need to stop thinking, and start acting on my convictions. When I see an injustice, I need to address it, rather than allow my vocalized sense of discontent serve as active participation. I’m here because I am directly combating food insecurity - I am giving to others because I believe in the absolute equality of each individual. Love transcends any sense of self-gratification. My new reality is not to improve myself, but to improve the world in which I live.

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“Letter to My Countrymen”, the opening of Brother Ali’s new album, Mourning In America and Dreaming in Color, expresses (via the voice of Cornell West) a beautiful thought that dovetails with the theme of my rambling, and is a perfect conclusion to what I’m speaking of:

I think you know deep down in your soul that something, something just ain’t right. You don’t want to be just well adjusted to injustice and well adapted to indifference. You want to be a person with integrity who leaves a mark on the world. People can say when you go that you left the world just a little better than you found it. I understand. I want to be like that too.