nightfogreader-blog

August 11, 2011

How to Not Act Like a Garbage Monkey While Gettin’ Your Drank on in the Mission.

This article was contributed by Rachel, a bartender in the Mission District. Her years of experience bartending at weekend bridge & tunnel hot spots has certified her as bar etiquette expert. Plus, she knows how to serve a mean Manhattan. After hearing about the crazy behavior that she witnesses on a weekly basis, we thought her words of advice would be of humor (or use?) to our readers.

Okay, I know everyone has been to a Mission District bar at sometime in their mixed-up twenty-somethings. It was probably the most blacked-out-drunk-throw-up-fest on Mission Street. You washed it down with a fat-ass burrito and woke up the next morning somewhere, asking yourself, “Wha happened?” I’m pretty sure I can tell you what happened. I have worked as a bartender in the Mission for almost 5 years and boy, have I seen some magic! Your morning after thoughts may include:

WHAT DID I DO?
WHO ARE YOU?
AM I GONNA BE OK?

No, no, no! You will not be OK! Your behavior at the bar was not OK! That is why I’m here to be your bartender guru on what not to do, but above all keep me happy when I am behind the bar. Just carefully follow my rules and you will be golden.

1. Girly drinks when busy = off limits
Unless you want me to jump over the bar and stab you, don’t order three Cosmos when it’s 12:45AM on a Saturday, and it’s busy as hell. If so, then be prepared to be ignored the rest of the night. Come on! Isn’t it obvious? When it’s busy? You will be bazooka barfing on the floor of your BFF’s Prius anyway!

2. If you wave your hand at me I will cut you off!
As Stephanie Tanner would say, “How rude!” I mean, really? You think that you can get served faster by making some kind of rabid hyena movement? All bartenders know that if you wave your limb at us you automatically get served last, and in my book, never again. This also goes for leaning all the way forward and waving dollars at me–this isn’t a strip club, bro.

3. “Have you seen my stuff?”
Are you for real? Every single Saturday at the end of the night I have groups of drunken Yetis come up and ask me, “Have you seen my stuff?!” Of course they abandoned it on the opposite side of the bar 2 hours ago because they wanted to go climb on something to dance to LMAFO’s “Shots.” Enough said. Keep your shit glued to you.

4. No flip flops in the club
A few weeks ago when I was having a bathroom break and the stall floor was suddenly covered in BLOOD! I threw the door open and see this 21-year-old-looking, head-to-toe-in-American-Apparel, cute art student with flip flops on! What are you even doing in a bar with open foot shoes!? It turns out she stepped on a broken pint glass and sliced her foot. She was soo drunk she couldn’t even feel her cut, and she just wanted to go back to dancing. Alright, no. I took the young child aside, fixed her up and sent her off, but not before I made her pinky promise me that she would only wear closed toe shoes in a bar. Hey, nobody likes a bleeder.

5. If you are loud, I hate you!
Do not yell your drink order or yell if you need something. You make everyone think you are insane. Why would anyone want to take home a loud swamp monster instead of a behaved swamp monster?

6. Cocaine evidence
This one is plain and simple. Please wipe your cocaine rings off your nose BEFORE you scream your order at me (see rule #5). Oh, and your eyes are crossed and your face is getting really "JAWESOME.”

7. On tequila shots
"Three Tequila shots!” Yes! You rule! Wait….Why do I see you waving out the corner of my eye while I’m trying to tend to the rest of these wolves? “EXCUUUUSSSEEE MEEEEEEEEE… I NEED SALT AND SOME PINEAPPLE CHASERS, AND CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE???” OMG. Really? Either tell me up front your full order or you can have your sides in about 10 minutes. Who does the salt thing anymore? Wait, who does the chaser thing anymore?

8. Don’t order shots that have adjectives or body parts in them
Honestly, unless your bartender was old enough to bartend MTV Springbreak ‘92 we won’t know what the hell is in that. Plus, those shots are totally rapey! Yeah, some guy that you want to date wants to order you a “SLIPPERY NIPPLE”? Get outta here!

9. Don’t call basic drinks something stupid
The last few times I have worked someone says, “Give me like 1 Dracula Titty and 2 Pirate Poops” - or something like that. Who would have known that really means, “1 cranberry vodka and 2 rum and cokes.” Is this some new trend or game? Well, it’s really fucking dumb and makes me give you a badger like face and roll my eyes, and then I have to talk to you and ask you what it is. I know it gives you some kind of “power” to tell ME that means a cranberry vodka, but for reals, fuck off.

10. No burritos in the bar
Why are you bringing your burrito/BBQ/whatever stinky food you got and think its OK to scarf that down in a bar? I’ve seen this for years and it will never stop. You stink up the bar, you smell like what you just ate, and you are that person. I would never ever ever ever eat at a bar, and I work at one! I would rather go eat outside than sit at a bar and look like a dumpy eating a burrito by myself.

So guys and gals, lessons like this should be kept in mind. Don’t be the total idiot at the bar. Now get out there! Happy Drinking Duuuuuudes!!

- Rachel