Dollar

We crunched down the path, our breath clouding in front of us as we puffed in the cold air. We’d only just passed their front gate but I was already lost; we’d never turned left from there before. It seemed like a long way that we walked, but it’s impossible to accurately judge distance when you’re so small you still need your hand held. I guess, now, that it was  measurable in metres, rather than miles, but I still don’t quite know where we went. I’m not confident I could find it again if I tried – not that there’d be anything much to find there now.

We reached the fence and she handed my sister and me an apple each. We had to climb up on the posts and be supported at the back so that we could reach him. I remember being worried that he would accidentally bite me as he took the apple from my palm. Of course he didn’t; his big, horsey lips wrapped around the little cox and it disappeared in an instant. The crunch of it as he chewed was one of the nicest things I’d heard. I reached over to touch his velvety nose and tried to stroke his mane – it was a little out of my five-year-old reach. My sister fed him her apple, and my grandma gave his neck a firm pat before we left. I wished I could produce the same soft thud from his skin, but my arms were too weak and my hands too small back then.

I’ve done it plenty since, with different horses: stroked their noses; tucked forelocks into browbands; checked girths against round, stuffed tummies; smacked, with great satisfaction, their strong, powerful necks. I always wondered what it had been like when she was there and what it would’ve been like if she were there still. It’d have been nice to have done that with her. I was a bit slow on the uptake, and whilst no amount of enthusiasm now can change what I’ve missed, it feels nice to know that some part of what she loved is with me.

It was a fleeting visit, just saying hello. We walked back to the house, and probably had cake or strawberries, as we usually did. I don’t remember meeting him again and he’s not been alive for a long time but his name is still on the stable door.