THINGS PUBLISHERS SAY

Things publishers say on bound galleys, advance reading copies, and TI sheets, all sourced from actual copies. Parentheticals added.

  • National media appearances (boilerplate, speculative)
  • National print features (boilerplate, speculative)
  • Major review attention (wishful thinking)
  • National media appearances including NPR (“What about NPR?” has replaced “What about Oprah?” in the pantheon of dumb questions asked of publicists by publishing colleagues)
  • Video trailer (God help us all)
  • Targeted blogger outreach (with packs of Skittles)
  • Author events and interviews out of New York (publisher can’t afford a tour)
  • BEA breakfast speaker (They still do this? In the basement of the Javits Center? And authors agree to come? Ugh.)
  • Main Selection of the Book-of-the-Month Club (They still exist?)
  • Book club outreach (publisher will send books, hope something happens)
  • Satellite radio tour (filler)
  • Promote on team blogs and forums (even I have no idea what this means)
  • Comic Con promotion (men wearing spandex)
  • Social Media campaign (publisher will tweet about your book and post an excerpt on Scribd)
  • Facebook campaign (like me like me like me like me – publishing in the 21st century)
  • Skype chats (with Atlantans still trapped in the Piggly Wiggly. Or inmates)
  • Galley giveaways on Goodreads (Owned by Amazon. Tells you everything)
  • Motion picture rights sold to Fox (movie will never get made)
  • Foreign rights sold to 24 countries (doubtful)
  • Etc.

Things publishers should say on galleys and advance reading copies:

  • We paid this shaboo 750,000 dollars for a collection of fucking stories
  • I have no idea what we were thinking at the time
  • In retrospect, it was a mistake
  • Actual quote from acquiring editor: “Buying a book at auction is like buying a new car – it depreciates 50% the minute you drive it off the lot.”
  • Do. Not. Look. At. His. Track. On. Bookscan.
  • 16-city author tour featuring clandestine rendezvous with key media in the hope that “magic happens”
  • Author will call reviewers at national newspapers and reveal to them who their colleagues are sleeping with on the news desk
  • “After Midnight” Twitter Campaign via #drunkwriter
  • Instagram Selfie Campaign via #inbedwith?
  • Reading Group Guide including suite of angry e-mail exchanges between author and editor where author insists readers want “unfettered access to my innermost thoughts and not your shitty line edits.”
  • Slate of 5-star Amazon “Vine Reviews,” sourced via illegal software program from Mumbai (“So so good, reminded me of Franny and Zooey!”)
  • We are desperate, will try anything
  • Coded passages in the book reveal that Dan Brown actually coined the term “Lean In” while he was a student at Exeter
  • Author has a sex tape of Jonathan Franzen with…
  • Publicist assigned to the book still suffers from PTSD due to her last experience working with the author
  • Author would call publicist in the middle of the night complaining about the “hard sheets,” demand a room upgrade, and then apologize and inquire about her “soft skin”
  • High profile international arrest timed to publication
  • Author is friends with Arianna – “Dar-link!”— who will bail him out of jail
  • Leak of jail letters and photos to New York Post
  • TMZ exclusive: “I Fucked My Bombshell Italian Carceriere (and then read her excerpts from my forthcoming story collection.)”
  • They later marry
  • In the old days, guys like Sidney Sheldon would write a book, we’d slap some Paul Bacon type on the cover, send a copy to Merv Griffin, and call it a day
  • I am 53 years old. I have been doing this my entire life. I am more confused than ever.
  • I have searing regrets about not becoming an actor.
  • My Pilates instructor is mean to me
  • The “Men in Media” thing did not work out the way I imagined
  • Yesterday, in our marketing board meeting, Nihar told us a story about “the bear.” It frightened me.
  • Ham ham ham ham ham ham tuna
  • If you read this book and have an idea of how to sell it or who the reader is, please tweet us @savepublishing
  • Mostly, our business is about timing. And luck.
  • Still on the hunt for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle (or any boutique bourbon). Use #bourbonforbogie if you can be of assistance. Send bottles to my attention at 1745 Broadway.
  • Enjoy the book