Yes, I found this on Banalfeed, and yes I’m posting it inside this sanctuary, but I couldn’t find a way to post just the video. And this is not a shot at Blitzer in particular, but the tone-deaf, “traumatic for the victims’ families” kinds of decisions CNN has been guilty of recently . “A 3-d sim of the killer that looks like it came from a low-rent 2002 first-person shooter? Oh, the children of the victims oughtta connect with this! Let’s get it happening.”
http://www.buzzfeed.com/katherinemiller/cnn-creates-animated-version-of-the-fort-hood-shooting
Anyway: holy crap, seriously—what’s next for CNN? Here’s a possible scenario:
V/O: “Back here in Oso, WA, Joseph Mcgreely, 66, filmed here moments after watching rescuers pull his deceased wife’s body from a virtual sea of mud and debris, is surely devastated by the loss of his family, his house and all his belongings, which apparently included this late model John Deere lawn tractor. *cut to closeup of green debris sticking out of mud.*
We caught up with Joseph 2 days later, when he was gracious enough to fly out to the Situation Room, sleep in a warm bed, eat a hot meal and tell his story.”
Blitzer: So Joseph, this all must be pretty overwhelming. How are you holding up?
Mcgreely (red-eyed, wiping away tears): Yes, well, it just doesn’t seem real, Wolf, and, you know, the worst—
Blitzer (interrupting): That’s sad. We wonder if you could do our viewers a small favor.
Mcgreely: I—huh?
Blitzer: Our staff here have arranged a simulation of the events using this turtle-shaped baby pool and a five gallon bucket of Kahlua’s popular Mudslide™ liqueur. {{graphic of bottle of Kahlua Mudslide}}
Mcgreely (visibly panicking): What on God’s Green Earth is the matter with—
Blitzer: So, would you mind taking this popular children’s doll and placing it the area below the little slide, to show where your wife may have been the exact moment mother nature exacted her revenge on your entire family?
*b-roll of Mcgreely, mouth open, speechless*
Blitzer: Ok, I know you’re nervous today—I’ll just do it for you. We have a pretty good approximation of where your house was here on Google Maps™.
*Overhead Cam: Blitzer drops Bratz doll into empty plastic pool, hesitates, flicks it over a couple of inches.*
Blitzer: That seems about right.
*Overhead Cam closeup shows gallons of Kahlua Mudslide flowing down green plastic slide, over and around now-floating Bratz doll.*
Blitzer: So Mr. McHutchens, I know it’s been a rough couple of days, and you weren’t there the moment of the disaster, but does this scenario seem accurate?
*Sound of lavalier mic getting ripped off shirt*
O/S (Intern): No, sir—whatsis? Right—Joseph! That’s all through your shirt, sir! Let us…(garbled)….
*Mcgreely storms off set, mumbling curses*
Blitzer: Clearly an emotional time for Mr. Legree. But from our simulation, it seems very clear that Mrs. Greensleeves was somehow able to float atop all this mud and rubble, at least for some time, and we have to wonder whether this natural ability had something to do with her corpse being recovered so quickly. There’s not much question that what happened there in Oso remains a real tragedy…
..and that for at least one man, “God’s Green Earth…”
Blitzer (overhead shot of Bratz doll bobbing, circling around, and sinking in brown mess): …isn’t so “green” anymore. For CNN, I’m Wolf Blitzer.
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