“Feminist awakening” makes it sound like I emerged from a cocoon like “I SUPPORT WOMEN NOW” but I get your meaning.

I’ve got a lot of new followers recently so some of you probably don’t know, but I used to be a HARDCORE fuckboy. Like, up until I was like 19 I was one of those “what would u do if i was there right now,” “man these dumb girls don’t like me they only like jerks,” “I can’t believe she friend zoned me I’m such a nice guy what a bitch” kind of fuckboys. 

It was a tough time.

It was really dumb, and I was really immature about it, but I think a lot of it came from internalized aggression from not being the things I was told I should be, and from trying to rationalize rejection.

I was never a “man’s man.” I grew up a really dorky, secluded, awkward kid, and it led to MORE seclusion and awkwardness in a vicious cycle. I wasn’t an athlete and I was really sensitive, which were ideas that were implanted in me by the patriarchy from childhood. I got bullied and beaten up a lot. All that aggression stayed bottled up, and my frustration hit this critical mass that made me cynical, negative and angry about basically everything. Women were confusing and emotionally distant from me, so I guess it seemed like a proper channel through which to vent my frustrations? i don’t know.

Around the time I really started to get interested in women I was also around my heaviest weight, nearing 490 pounds. That combined with social anxiety and no idea how to have a human conversation made for a cocktail of rejection. 

Every time I’d get a “crush” on a girl I’d make myself her friend, eventually blurt out something about my “feelings” and when she said she didn’t feel the same I’d be all “Are you KIDDING? I’m SUCH a nice guy and I’ve been SUCH a good friend.”

Eventually this happened so much I had to take some time and actually look at myself. I’d started to go on tumblr a lot and learn more about feminism, which I previously thought was “just for angry lesbians.” I really had to think about my past actions. If all these girls rejected me, maybe they weren’t the problem. Maybe I was.

I mean first of all, I poorly tried to manipulate these women into opening up to me under the guise of being their friend, then flipped it on them and exposed the fact that I was only there to get into their pants. 

Second of all, I called myself a “nice guy” when all I was doing was acting with ulterior motives, and as soon as I was rejected offhandedly referring to the woman as a bitch to my other friends. 

Third of all, I’d call these women “shallow” for not liking me. Right, if someone isn’t attracted to a 495 pound manchild with no people skills or respect for women, it’s OBVIOUSLY because she’s shallow!

Fourth of all, I WAS THE ONE BEING SHALLOW. I had NOTHING in common with most of these girls and ALL I WANTED FROM THEM WAS TO GET IN THEIR PANTS. I DIDNT PARTICULARLY CARE FOR THEIR PERSONALITIES AT ALL AND I WAS THE ONE CALLING THEM SHALLOW.

FIFTH OF ALL, EVEN IF THEY WERE BEING SHALLOW AND JUST WEREN’T INTO ME, YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO DEMONIZE AND VILIFY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDNT WANT TO FUCK YOU

uggghhh god I hate parts of Past-Matt.

it’s not like I was a bad person, I was just a fucking kid. I was raised in a society where for some reason behaviors like that were considered alright by the public while they were deeply problematic. Ignorance isn’t an excuse for being an asshole and treating people poorly.

But I did the right thing after I realized all of this. I addressed the issue and admitted that it was problematic instead of trying to defend my actions in order to protect my fragile ego.

I begun to change my behavior over the course of the next 3 years, and I’ve definitely made mistakes and fucked up but I’m hitting a really good stride right now where I know the most important aspects of it are respect, transparency and communication. 

I know that there are going to be things that happen because I’m a man and I understand why.

When I walk home at night there are women who look over their shoulders at me constantly, and sometimes they walk ahead. Now, I’m not a mugger or a rapist, but they don’t know that! All they’re trying to do is keep themselves safe, and it’s not a personal offense or a hit to my ego because they feel the need to keep themselves protected.

There are things like that that are gonna happen because even though I’m not a rapist or a mugger or a catcaller or a fuckboy, we live in a system where women have to deal with those things CONSTANTLY. And if that means that she has to look over her shoulder at me, or that I can’t start a conversation on the street (though why would I, I never understood that) then that’s totally fine!

Her feeling safe and secure is WAY more fucking important than my ego.

I’m still learning more on a regular basis. I only learned what intersectional feminism was not too long ago, because in my mind it didn’t even register that there were people who considered themselves feminists but didn’t protect transgender women or understand that women of color have different struggles than white women.

It’s a long process but I’ve come a long way.