Nobody can read this article and still honestly claim or maintain that the Bible is complete historical nonfiction. The Bible has very little historical value or facts.
My reply:
Ahhhh yes, the “Holy" inerrant bible: cockatrices (rooster-serpents that kill when looked upon), satyrs (men with goat legs), unicorns, dragons, the Nephilim Giants, the Leviathan, sea monsters, necromancers, zombies, witches with their witchcraft, wizards, sorcerers, soothsayers, diviners, 120-969 years old people (during a time when the average would be more like 20), monsters, fiery flying serpents, beasts with seven heads, Behemoth, extra-terrestrials, the Devil aka Satan and Beelzebub with his Hell, lake of fire, damnation, Sheol, Hades, Gehenna, Nether-World, hell-fire, brimstone, talking serpents, demons, angels, cherub, the talking burning bush, a talking donkey, the dead prophet who’s body touched the bones of Elisha and was brought back to life, Elijah’s ascension into heaven in a fiery chariot, people made from dust, mass Incest, all that begetting, the magic tree of life and the magic tree of the knowledge of good and evil, 6,000 year old earth, dinosaurs coexisting with people (as if the Flintstone cartoon was documentary), Jonah (living in a whale for three days), the building of the tower of babel (which angered god so he mixed up their languages so they couldn't communicate), Slime for mortar, Pi = 3, Joshua making the sun stand still for hours, the walls of Jericho falling down at the sound of trumpets, staffs constantly becoming snakes, Flying people, 500,000 Israelites were slain in a single battle, Samson killing 1000 Philistines with a donkey jaw, Samson tearing a lion apart, Samson tearing down the temple with his bare hands and magic hair, Lot with his offering of his “virgin” daughters to an entire town of angel rapers followed by the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (followed by his wife turning to a pillar of salt and his drunken cave incest with his own ‘virgin’ daughters), god’s 2 bears mauling 42 children to death for teasing, bones coming alive, angels rescuing prisoners, brides being swapped on their wedding day, two hundred foreskins paid to a king (double) to marry his daughter, Jacob putting branches of various design in front of his cattle while copulating (thus, genetically inventing streaked/speckled/spotted cattle), a battle scorpion-tailed/lion-teethed/horse locust plague (with human faces, women’s hair, iron armor and crowns) that tortured people for 5 months straight, 200 million horsemen with lion-head and snake-tailed horses (that shoot fire, smoke and sulfur) killing 1/3 of the human race, Daniel’s four beasts, slavery, torture, rape, human sacrifice, infanticide, war, genocide, cursing of the fig tree, raising Lazarus from the dead, driving pigs into the sea after infecting them with “demons,” people magically parting an entire ocean, god transforming into a pillar of fire and a pillar of clouds, changing water into wine, walking on the water, a few loaves of bread and a few fish feeding thousands of people until they were full, Noah’s Ark, immaculate conception of the “virgin” Mary, resurrected zombie worship by way of eating flesh and drinking blood, the trinity 1+1+1=1 godhead triune god, and sweet, baby, fictional, no-evidence, jesus….and that is the short list!
Yes, all those things are actually in the bible and expected to be believed as facts. Around 20%-30% of America, believe most of this and 70-80% believe some of it!
The EVIDENCE:
First: The mythological Creatures
Cockatrice
Jeremiah 8:17: "For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD.“
Isaiah 11:8: "And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’ den.”
Isaiah 59:5: "They hatch cockatrice’ eggs, and weave the spider’s web: he that eateth of their eggs dieth, and that which is crushed breaketh out into a viper.“
Isaiah 14:29: "Rejoice not thou, whole Palestina, because the rod of him that smote thee is broken: for out of the serpent’s root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent.”
Satyrs
Isaiah 13:21-22: "But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and SATYRS shall dance there. And the wild beasts of the islands shall cry in their desolate houses, and DRAGONS in their pleasant palaces: and her time is near to come, and her days shall not be prolonged.“
Isiah 34:14: The wild beasts of the desert shall also meet with the wild beasts of the island, and the satyr shall cry to his fellow; the screech owl also shall rest there, and find for herself a place of rest.
Check out these 3 versions of: 2 Chronicles 11:15
New American Standard Bible (©1995) He set up priests of his own for the high places, for the satyrs and for the calves which he had made.
International Standard Version (©2012) Jeroboam had appointed his own priests to serve at the high places and to serve the satyrs and calves that he had made.
Holman Christian Standard Bible (©2009) Jeroboam appointed his own priests for the high places, the goat-demons, and the golden calves he had made.
Leviticus 17:7 (Satyr Sex - Prostitutes to humans!!!)
The word "satyr” is not directly used; instead, the variations of he-goat, goat idols or goat-demons are utilized.
International Standard Version (©2012) They are no longer to slaughter their sacrifices to the goat demons, with whom they have been committing prostitution. This will be a perpetual statute for you throughout your generations.
GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995) The people must stop sacrificing to goat idols and chasing after them as though they were prostitutes. This is a permanent law for the people and for future generations.
English Revised Version - And they shall no more sacrifice their sacrifices unto the he-goats, after whom they go a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.
See 18 versions of this verse:
http://biblehub.com/leviticus/17-7.htm
Unicorns
Unicorns are Mentioned 9 Times in the bible - Debunking christian Unicorn Apologists
Dragons
Nehemiah 2:13 And I went out by night by the gate of the valley, even before the dragon well, and to the dung port, and viewed the walls of Jerusalem, which were broken down, and the gates thereof were consumed with fire. (KJV JPS BBE WBS YLT NAS)
Job 7:12 A sea-‘monster’ am I, or a dragon, That thou settest over me a guard? (YLT)
Psalms 91:13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. (KJV DBY WBS YLT)
Isaiah 27:1 In that day, Yahweh with his hard and great and strong sword will punish leviathan, the fleeing serpent, and leviathan the twisted serpent; and he will kill the dragon that is in the sea. (WEB KJV JPS BBE WBS YLT NAS RSV)
Jeremiah 51:34 Nebuchadrezzar the king of Babylon hath devoured me, he hath crushed me, he hath made me an empty vessel, he hath swallowed me up like a dragon, he hath filled his belly with my delicates, he hath cast me out. (KJV JPS BBE DBY WBS YLT)
Ezekiel 29:3 Speak, and say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against thee, Pharaoh king of Egypt, the great dragon that lieth in the midst of his rivers, which hath said, My river is mine own, and I have made it for myself. (KJV JPS WBS YLT RSV)
Ezekiel 32:2 Son of man, take up a lamentation over Pharaoh king of Egypt, and say unto him, Thou wast likened unto a young lion of the nations: yet art thou as a monster in the seas; and thou didst break forth with thy rivers, and troubledst the waters with thy feet, and fouledst their rivers. (See JPS YLT RSV)
Deuteronomy 32:33 Their wine is the poison of dragons, and the cruel venom of asps. (KJV BBE DBY WBS YLT)
Job 30:29 I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls. (KJV WBS YLT)
Psalms 44:19 Though thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons, and covered us with the shadow of death. (KJV WBS YLT)
Psalms 74:13 Thou didst divide the sea by thy strength: thou brakest the heads of the dragons in the waters. (KJV WBS YLT RSV)
Psalms 148:7 Praise the LORD from the earth, ye dragons, and all deeps: (KJV WBS YLT)
Isaiah 13:22 And the wild beasts of the islands shall cry in their desolate houses, and dragons in their pleasant palaces: and her time is near to come, and her days shall not be prolonged. (KJV WBS YLT)
Isaiah 34:13 And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and brambles in the fortresses thereof: and it shall be an habitation of dragons, and a court for owls. (KJV WBS YLT)
Isaiah 35:7 And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes. (KJV WBS YLT)
Isaiah 43:20 The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen. (KJV WBS YLT)
Jeremiah 9:11 And I will make Jerusalem heaps, and a den of dragons; and I will make the cities of Judah desolate, without an inhabitant. (KJV WBS YLT)
Jeremiah 10:22 Behold, the noise of the bruit is come, and a great commotion out of the north country, to make the cities of Judah desolate, and a den of dragons. (KJV WBS YLT)
Jeremiah 14:6 And the wild asses did stand in the high places, they snuffed up the wind like dragons; their eyes did fail, because there was no grass. (KJV WBS YLT)
Jeremiah 49:33 And Hazor shall be a dwelling for dragons, and a desolation for ever: there shall no man abide there, nor any son of man dwell in it. (KJV WBS YLT)
Jeremiah 51:37 And Babylon shall become heaps, a dwellingplace for dragons, an astonishment, and an hissing, without an inhabitant. (KJV WBS YLT)
Lamentations 4:3 Even dragons have drawn out the breast, They have suckled their young ones, The daughter of my people is become cruel, Like the ostriches in a wilderness. (YLT)
Micah 1:8 Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls. (KJV WBS YLT)
Malachi 1:3 And I hated Esau, and laid his mountains and his heritage waste for the dragons of the wilderness. (KJV WBS YLT)
Revelation 12:3 Another sign was seen in heaven. Behold, a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and on his heads seven crowns. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:4 His tail drew one third of the stars of the sky, and threw them to the earth. The dragon stood before the woman who was about to give birth, so that when she gave birth he might devour her child. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:7 There was war in the sky. Michael and his angels made war on the dragon. The dragon and his angels made war. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:8 The Dragon fought and so did his angels; but they were defeated, and there was no longer any room found for them in Heaven. (WEY)
Revelation 12:9 The great dragon was thrown down, the old serpent, he who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world. He was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:13 When the dragon saw that he was thrown down to the earth, he persecuted the woman who gave birth to the male child. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:16 The earth helped the woman, and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed up the river which the dragon spewed out of his mouth. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 12:17 The dragon grew angry with the woman, and went away to make war with the rest of her seed, who keep God’s commandments and hold Jesus’ testimony. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
In crazy Revelation 12 (International Standard Version), the word “dragon” appears 10 times!!!!
The Vision of the Red Dragon
3 Then another sign appeared in the sky: a huge red dragon with seven heads, ten horns, and seven royal crowns on its heads. 4 Its tail swept away one-third of the stars in the sky and knocked them down to the earth. Then the dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth so that it could devour her child when it was born. 5 She gave birth to a son, a boy, who is to rulea all the nations with an iron scepter. But her child was snatched away and taken to God and to his throne. 6 Then the woman fled into the wilderness, where a place had been prepared for her by God so that she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.
The Vision of War in Heaven
7 Then a war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought with the dragon, and the dragon and its angels fought back. 8 But it was not strong enough, and there was no longer any place for them in heaven. 9 The huge dragon was hurled down. That ancient serpent, called the Devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world, was hurled down to the earth, along with its angels.
The Vision of Persecution of the Woman and Her Children
13 When the dragon saw that it had been thrown down to the earth, it pursuedd the woman who had given birth to the boy. 14 However, the woman was given the two wings of a large eagle so that she could fly away from the serpent to her place in the wilderness, where she could be taken care of for a time, times, and half a time. 15 From its mouth the serpent spewed water like a river behind the woman in order to sweep her away with the flood. 16 But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed from its mouth. 17 The dragon became angry with the woman and went away to do battle against the rest of her children, the ones who keep God’s commandments and hold on to the testimony about Jesus. Then the dragon stood on the sand of the seashore.
Revelation 13:1 The dragon stood on the shore of the sea. And I saw a beast coming out of the sea. It had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on its horns, and on each head a blasphemous name.
Revelation 13:2 The beast which I saw was like a leopard, and his feet were like those of a bear, and his mouth like the mouth of a lion. The dragon gave him his power, his throne, and great authority. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 13:4 They worshiped the dragon, because he gave his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast? Who is able to make war with him?” (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 13:11 I saw another beast coming up out of the earth. He had two horns like a lamb, and he spoke like a dragon. (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 16:13 I saw coming out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet, three unclean spirits, something like frogs; (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
Revelation 20:2 He seized the dragon, the old serpent, which is the devil and Satan, who deceives the whole inhabited earth, and bound him for a thousand years, (WEB KJV WEY ASV BBE DBY WBS YLT NAS RSV NIV)
~An entire Abrahamic book about Dragons? Oh yes!
Bel and the Dragon, incorporated as chapter 14 of the extended Book of Daniel exists only in Greek in the Septuagint.
This chapter, along with chapter 13, is referred to as deuterocanonical, in that it is not universally accepted among Christians as belonging to the canonical works accepted as the Bible. The text is viewed as canonical by both Catholic and Orthodox Christians but as apocryphal by Protestants and typically not found in modern Protestant Bibles, though it was in the original 1611 edition of the King James Version. It is listed in Article VI of the Thirty-Nine Articles of the Church of England.
http://www.earlyjewishwritings.com/bel.html
http://www.kingjamesbibleonline.org/Bel-and-the-Dragon-Chapter-1/
Nephilim Giants
*The Nephilim were a race of giants that were produced by the sexual union of the sons of god (presumably fallen angels) and the daughters of humans.
Giants (18 Occurrences)
Genesis 6:4 There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. (KJV DBY WBS)
Numbers 13:33 And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. (KJV DBY WBS)
Deuteronomy 2:11 Which also were accounted giants, as the Anakims; but the Moabites called them Emims. (KJV DBY WBS)
Deuteronomy 2:20 (That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time; and the Ammonites call them Zamzummims; (KJV DBY WBS)
Deuteronomy 3:11 For only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead was a bedstead of iron; is it not in Rabbath of the children of Ammon? nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it, after the cubit of a man. (KJV DBY WBS)
Deuteronomy 3:13 And the rest of Gilead, and all Bashan, being the kingdom of Og, gave I unto the half tribe of Manasseh; all the region of Argob, with all Bashan, which was called the land of giants. (KJV DBY WBS)
Joshua 12:4 And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which was of the remnant of the giants, that dwelt at Ashtaroth and at Edrei, (KJV DBY WBS)
Joshua 13:12 All the kingdom of Og in Bashan, which reigned in Ashtaroth and in Edrei, who remained of the remnant of the giants: for these did Moses smite, and cast them out. (KJV DBY WBS)
Joshua 15:8 And the border went up by the valley of the son of Hinnom unto the south side of the Jebusite; the same is Jerusalem: and the border went up to the top of the mountain that lieth before the valley of Hinnom westward, which is at the end of the valley of the giants northward: (KJV WBS)
Joshua 17:15 And Joshua answered them, If thou be a great people, then get thee up to the wood country, and cut down for thyself there in the land of the Perizzites and of the giants, if mount Ephraim be too narrow for thee. (KJV DBY WBS)
Joshua 18:16 And the border came down to the end of the mountain that lieth before the valley of the son of Hinnom, and which is in the valley of the giants on the north, and descended to the valley of Hinnom, to the side of Jebusi on the south, and descended to Enrogel, (KJV WBS)
2 Samuel 21:16 And Ishbibenob, who was of the sons of the giant, the weight of whose spear was three hundred shekels of brass in weight, he being girded with new armour, thought to have slain David. (See RSV)
2 Samuel 21:18 And it came to pass after this, that there was again war with the Philistines at Gob; then Sibbecai the Hushathite slew Saph, who was of the sons of the giant. (See RSV)
2 Samuel 21:20 And there was again war at Gath, where was a champion, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant. (See RSV)
2 Samuel 21:22 These four were born to the giant in Gath; and they fell by the hand of David, and by the hand of his servants. (See RSV)
1 Chronicles 20:4 And it came to pass after this, that there arose war at Gezer with the Philistines: then Sibbecai the Hushathite slew Sippai, of the sons of the giant; and they were subdued. (See JPS NAS RSV)
1 Chronicles 20:6 And there was again war at Gath, where was a man of great stature, whose fingers and toes were four and twenty, six on each hand, and six on each foot; and he also was born unto the giant. (See NAS RSV)
1 Chronicles 20:8 These were born unto the giant in Gath; and they fell by the hand of David and by the hand of his servants. (See NAS RSV)
~An entire book about Giants? Yes.
The Book of Enoch is an ancient Jewish religious work, traditionally ascribed to Enoch, the great-grandfather of Noah. It is not part of the biblical canon as used by Jews, apart from Beta Israel. It is regarded as canonical by the Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo Church and Eritrean Orthodox Tewahedo Church, but no other Christian group.
http://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/boe/
*Christians are so embarrassed by the apparent fiction of this part of the bible, that they have made many attempts to falsify evidence for this race of giants. The internet, Google images and Youtube are flooded with hoax Nephilim bone and skeleton findings. Even after these Photoshop lies are proven and admitted, online christians continue to promote them as facts.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/odd/giantman.asp
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/12/071214-giant-skeleton_2.html
http://www.talkorigins.org/faqs/ce/3/part2.html
http://yowcrooks.blogspot.com/2008/12/giant-skeleton-hoax.html
http://hoowantstono.hubpages.com/hub/Sons-of-Nephilim-a-Hoax
http://gianthumanskeletons.blogspot.com/2012/02/giant-human-skeleton-hoaxes-by.html
Similarly, christians have found several Noah’s Arks…all proven frauds.
The Leviathan
The Leviathan is a huge sea monster that is mentioned 5 times in the Bible:
Job 41 King James Version (KJV)
Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down? 2 Canst thou put an hook into his nose? or bore his jaw through with a thorn? 3 Will he make many supplications unto thee? will he speak soft words unto thee? 4 Will he make a covenant with thee? wilt thou take him for a servant for ever? 5 Wilt thou play with him as with a bird? or wilt thou bind him for thy maidens? 6 Shall the companions make a banquet of him? shall they part him among the merchants? 7 Canst thou fill his skin with barbed irons? or his head with fish spears? 8 Lay thine hand upon him, remember the battle, do no more. 9 Behold, the hope of him is in vain: shall not one be cast down even at the sight of him? 10 None is so fierce that dare stir him up: who then is able to stand before me? 11 Who hath prevented me, that I should repay him? whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine. 12 I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion. 13 Who can discover the face of his garment? or who can come to him with his double bridle? 14 Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about. 15 His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal. 16 One is so near to another, that no air can come between them. 17 They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered. 18 By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning. 19 Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out. 20 Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron. 21 His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth. 22 In his neck remaineth strength, and sorrow is turned into joy before him. 23 The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm in themselves; they cannot be moved. 24 His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone. 25 When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves. 26 The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon. 27 He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. 28 The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble. 29 Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear. 30 Sharp stones are under him: he spreadeth sharp pointed things upon the mire. 31 He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment. 32 He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary. 33 Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear. 34 He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.
Job 3:8 Let them curse it that curse the day, who are ready to rouse up leviathan.
Psalms 74:14 You broke the heads of Leviathan in pieces. You gave him as food to people and desert creatures.
Psalms 104:26 There the ships go, and leviathan, whom you formed to play there.
Isaiah 27:1 In that day, Yahweh with his hard and great and strong sword will punish leviathan, the fleeing serpent, and leviathan the twisted serpent; and he will kill the dragon that is in the sea.
*This creature is also mentioned twice in the Talmud: Avoda Zara (3b), Moed Katan (25b)
Sea Monsters
Genesis 1:21 And God created the great sea-monsters, and every living creature that moveth, wherewith the waters swarmed, after their kind, and every winged bird after its kind: and God saw that it was good.
Psalms 74:13 You divided the sea by your strength. You broke the heads of the sea monsters in the waters.
Psalms 148:7 Praise Jehovah from the earth, Ye sea-monsters, and all deeps.
Lamentations 4:3 Even the sea monsters draw out the breast, they give suck to their young ones: the daughter of my people is become cruel, like the ostriches in the wilderness.
Matthew 12:40 For just as Jonah was three days in the sea-monster’s belly, so will the Son of Man be three days in the heart of the earth.
Job 7:12 Am I a sea, or a sea monster, that you put a guard over me?
Necromancers
Beings that use black magic and sorcery to communicate with the dead either by summoning their spirit as an apparition or raising them bodily in order to predict the future.
(9 Occurrences)
Deuteronomy 18:11 or a charmer, or a consulter with a familiar spirit, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
Leviticus 19:31 Turn not unto necromancers and unto soothsayers; seek not after them to make yourselves unclean: I am Jehovah your God.
Leviticus 20:6 And the soul that turneth unto necromancers And unto soothsayers, to go a whoring after them, I will set my face against that soul, And will cut him off from among his people.
1 Samuel 28:3 (Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and they had buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away the necromancers and the soothsayers out of the land.)
1 Samuel 28:9 And the woman said to him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul has done, how he has cut off the necromancers and the soothsayers out of the land; and why layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?
2 Kings 21:6 And he caused his son to pass through the fire, and used magic and divination, and appointed necromancers and soothsayers: he wrought evil beyond measure in the sight of Jehovah, to provoke him to anger.
2 Kings 23:24 Moreover the necromancers and the soothsayers, and the teraphim and the idols, and all the abominations that were seen in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, Josiah took away, that he might perform the words of the law which were written in the book that Hilkijah the priest had found in the house of Jehovah.
2 Chronicles 33:6 He also caused his children to pass through the fire in the valley of the son of Hinnom; and he used magic and divination and sorcery, and appointed necromancers and soothsayers: he wrought evil beyond measure in the sight of Jehovah, to provoke him to anger.
Isaiah 8:19 And when they shall say unto you, Seek unto the necromancers and unto the soothsayers, who chirp and who mutter, say, Shall not a people seek unto their God? Will they go for the living unto the dead?
Zombies
Matthew 27:52-53:
“And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.”
RAPTURE - End Times - Armageddon - Apocalypse - Tribulation -Zombies - Everything you need to know
http://exposingreligionblog.tumblr.com/post/10856900495
~See all the Bible Zombie references:
The bible claims that Zombies are real, have existed and will walk the Earth again! What are Zombies and how can we defend against them!
http://exposingreligionblog.tumblr.com/post/10996326581
Witches with their Witchcraft
Exodus 22:18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.
Deuteronomy 18:10 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.
1 Samuel 28:7 Then said Saul to his servants, “Seek me a woman who has a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and inquire of her.” His servants said to him, “Behold, there is a woman who has a familiar spirit at Endor."
2 Chronicles 33:6 He also made his children to pass through the fire in the valley of the son of Hinnom; and he practiced sorcery, and used enchantments, and practiced sorcery, and dealt with those who had familiar spirits, and with wizards: he worked much evil in the sight of Yahweh, to provoke him to anger.
Galatians 5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
Leviticus 19:26 Ye shall not eat with the blood; neither shall ye practise divination nor soothsaying.
Deuteronomy 18:14 For these nations, that you shall dispossess, listen to those who practice sorcery, and to diviners; but as for you, Yahweh your God has not allowed you so to do.
1 Samuel 15:23 For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as idolatry and teraphim. Because you have rejected the word of Yahweh, he has also rejected you from being king."
2 Kings 9:22 It happened, when Joram saw Jehu, that he said, "Is it peace, Jehu?” He answered, “What peace, so long as the prostitution of your mother Jezebel and her witchcraft abound?"
Micah 5:12 I will destroy witchcraft from your hand; and you shall have no soothsayers.
Nahum 3:4 because of the multitude of the prostitution of the alluring prostitute, the mistress of witchcraft, who sells nations through her prostitution, and families through her witchcraft.
Wizards
Leviticus 20:27 ”'A man or a woman that is a medium, or is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones; their blood shall be upon them.’“
Deuteronomy 18:11 or a charmer, or a consulter with a familiar spirit, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
Sorcerers
(8 Occurrences)
Revelation 21:8 But for the cowardly, unbelieving, sinners, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their part is in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death."
Revelation 22:15 Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.
Exodus 7:11 Then Pharaoh also called for the wise men and the sorcerers. They also, the magicians of Egypt, did in like manner with their enchantments.
Isaiah 2:6 For Thou hast left Thy people, the house of Jacob. For they have been filled from the east, And 'are’ sorcerers like the Philistines, And with the children of strangers strike hands.
Jeremiah 27:9 But as for you, don’t you listen to your prophets, nor to your diviners, nor to your dreams, nor to your soothsayers, nor to your sorcerers, who speak to you, saying, You shall not serve the king of Babylon:
Daniel 2:2 Then the king commanded to call the magicians, and the enchanters, and the sorcerers, and the Chaldeans, to tell the king his dreams. So they came in and stood before the king.
Micah 5:12 And have cut off sorcerers out of thy hand, And observers of clouds thou hast none.
Malachi 3:5 I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against the perjurers, and against those who oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow, and the fatherless, and who deprive the foreigner of justice, and don’t fear me,” says Yahweh of Armies.
~Sorcerer (3 Occurrences)
Acts 13:6 When they had gone through the island to Paphos, they found a certain sorcerer, a false prophet, a Jew, whose name was Bar Jesus,
Acts 13:8 But Elymas the sorcerer (for so is his name by interpretation) withstood them, seeking to turn aside the proconsul from the faith.
Deuteronomy 18:10 There shall not be found with you anyone who makes his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, one who uses divination, one who practices sorcery, or an enchanter, or a sorcerer,
~Sorcery (10 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/s/sorcery.htm
~Sorceries (11 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/s/sorceries.htm
Soothsayers
(16 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/s/soothsayers.htm
Diviners
(14 Occurrences) Having the nature of or being a deity.
http://topicalbible.org/d/diviners.htm
~Divination - foretelling future events (10 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/d/divination.htm
200-969 years old people
Genesis 5:27 New International Version (NIV)
27 Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died.
http://biblehub.com/genesis/5-27.htm
~Other fairy tale, long living men
2. Jared - 962 Genesis 5:20
3. Noah - 950 Genesis 9:29
4. Adam - 930 Genesis 5:5
5. Seth - 912 Genesis 5:8
6. Kenan - 910 Genesis 5:14
7. Enosh - 905 Genesis 5:11
8. Mahalalel - 895 Genesis 5:17
9. Lamech - 777 Genesis 5:31
10. Shem died at 600 years of age.
11. Enoch - 365 Genesis 5:23
12. Terach died at 205 years of age.
13. Isaac died at 180 years of age.
14. Abraham died at 175 years of age.
15. Jacob died at 147 years of age.
16. Moses died at 120 years of age.
Monsters
Exodus 7:9 When Pharaoh speaketh unto you, saying, Give for yourselves a wonder; then thou hast said unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast before Pharaoh – it becometh a monster.'
Exodus 7:10 And Moses goeth in – Aaron also – unto Pharaoh, and they do so as Jehovah hath commanded; and Aaron casteth his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it becometh a monster.
Exodus 7:12 and they cast down each his rod, and they become monsters, and the rod of Aaron swalloweth their rods;
Isaiah 51:9 Awake, awake, put on strength, arm of Yahweh; awake, as in the days of old, the generations of ancient times. Isn’t it you who cut Rahab in pieces, who pierced the monster?
Jeremiah 51:34 Nebuchadnezzar the king of Babylon has devoured me, he has crushed me, he has made me an empty vessel, he has, like a monster, swallowed me up, he has filled his maw with my delicacies; he has cast me out.
Ezekiel 29:3 Speak and say,'Thus says the Lord Yahweh: “Behold, I am against you, Pharaoh king of Egypt, the great monster that lies in the midst of his rivers, that has said,'My river is my own, and I have made it for myself.'
Ezekiel 32:2 Son of man, take up a lamentation over Pharaoh king of Egypt, and tell him, You were likened to a young lion of the nations: yet you are as a monster in the seas; and you did break forth with your rivers, and troubled the waters with your feet, and fouled their rivers.
Fiery flying serpents
Isaiah 14:29:
"Rejoice not thou, whole Palestina, because the rod of him that smote thee is broken: for out of the serpent’s root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent.”
Isaiah 30:6:
“The burden of the beasts of the south: into the land of trouble and anguish, from whence come the young and old lion, the viper and fiery flying serpent, they will carry their riches upon the shoulders of young asses, and their treasures upon the bunches of camels, to a people that shall not profit them.”
Numbers 21:6:
“And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.”
Deuteronomy 8:15 who led you through the great and terrible wilderness, in which were fiery serpents and scorpions, and thirsty ground where there was no water; who brought you forth water out of the rock of flint;
Beasts With Seven Heads
THREE seven-headed monsters are described in the book of Revelation.
1. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. (Revelation 12:3)
2. And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion; and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority. (Revelation 13:1,-2)
3. So he carried me away in the spirit unto the Wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. (Revelation 17:3)
Behemoth
Job 40:15-24
Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Lo now, his strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly. He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron. He is the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make his sword to approach unto him. Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play. He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens. The shady trees cover him with their shadow; the willows of the brook compass him about. Behold, he drinketh up a river, and hasteth not: he trusteth that he can draw up Jordan into his mouth. He taketh it with his eyes: his nose pierceth through snares.
Extra-Terrestrials
1 Peter 2:11:
“Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers to this world.”
Psalm 94:6:
“Slay the widow and the alien.”
Ezekiel 1
New International Version (NIV)
Ezekiel’s Inaugural Vision
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+1&version=NIV
The Devil
(58 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/d/devil.htm
Devils (48 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/d/devils.htm
Isaiah 14:12-15
How are you fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how are you cut down to the ground, which did weaken the nations!
Revelation 12:4
And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born.
Revelation 12:9
And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceives the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.
2 Corinthians 11:14
And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
Satan
(50 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/s/satan.htm
Beelzebub
(7 Occurrences)
Matthew 10:25 It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household?
Matthew 12:24 But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils.
Matthew 12:27 And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your children cast them out? therefore they shall be your judges.
Mark 3:22 And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
Luke 11:15 But some of them said, He casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief of the devils.
Luke 11:18 If Satan also be divided against himself, how shall his kingdom stand? because ye say that I cast out devils through Beelzebub.
Luke 11:19 And if I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your sons cast them out? therefore shall they be your judges.
~AKA: Beelzebul, Beelzeboul, Be-el'zebul, Baal-zebul http://topicalbible.org/b/beelzebul.htm
Hell
(53 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/h/hell.htm
Lake of fire
Revelation 21:8
But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and fornicators, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
Revelation 20:10
And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.
Revelation 20:14
And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death.
Revelation 19:20
And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that worked miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.
Matthew 25:41
Then shall he say also to them on the left hand, Depart from me, you cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
Revelation 20:15
And whoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.
Damnation
(11 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/d/damnation.htm
Sheol
(64 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/s/sheol.htm
Hades
(11 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/h/hades.htm
Gehenna
(12 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/g/gehenna.htm
Nether-world
(41 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/n/nether-world.htm
Hell-fire
Matthew 5:22 But I say to you, That whoever is angry with his brother without a cause, shall be in danger of the judgment: and whoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell-fire.
Matthew 18:9 And if thy eye causeth thee to sin, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell-fire.
Mark 9:47 And if thy eye causeth thee to fall into sin, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes, to be cast into hell-fire
Brimstone
(14 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/b/brimstone.htm
Talking serpents
Genesis 3:1-5
1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
http://biblehub.com/genesis/3-1.htm
Demons
(54 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/d/demons.htm
~Demon (26 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/d/demon.htm
~Demoniac (7 Occurrences)
Matthew 9:32 And as they were leaving His presence a dumb demoniac was brought to Him.
Matthew 12:22 At that time a demoniac was brought to Him, blind and dumb; and He cured him, so that the dumb man could speak and see.
Mark 5:15 and when they came to Jesus, they beheld the demoniac quietly seated, clothed and of sane mind–the man who had had the legion; and they were awe-stricken.
Mark 5:16 And those who had seen it told them the particulars of what had happened to the demoniac, and all about the swine.
Mark 5:18 And he having gone into the boat, the demoniac was calling on him that he may be with him,
Luke 8:36 And those who had seen it told them how the demoniac was cured.
John 10:21 Others argued, “That is not the language of a demoniac: and can a demon open blind men’s eyes?"
~Demon-possessed (16 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/d/demon-possessed.htm
~Possessed (100 Occurrences)
http://topicalbible.org/p/possessed.htm
Angels
(99 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/a/angels.htm
~Angel (209 Occurrences) http://topicalbible.org/a/angel.htm
Cherubs
(52 Occurrences)http://topicalbible.org/c/cherubs.htm
~Cherub (21 Occurrences)http://topicalbible.org/c/cherub.htm
Talking Burning Bush
Exodus 3 Moses and the Burning Bush
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3&version=NIV
Messed-Up Bible Stories - 12 - The Burning Bush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvurgTRWbDQ
http://www.ezek22.net/s/exod.3.5.s.html
https://bible.org/seriespage/burning-bush-exodus-31-15
A Talking Donkey
Numbers 22:28-30 New International Version (NIV)
28 Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”
29 Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.”
30 The donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?”
~Now for some really crazy Bible stories of insanity:
The dead prophet who’s body touched the bones of Elisha and was brought back to life:
2 Kings 13:21
http://biblehub.com/2_kings/13-21.htm
Elijah’s ascension into heaven in a fiery chariot
2 Kings 2:11
http://biblehub.com/2_kings/2-11.htm
People made from dust
Genesis 2:7
http://biblehub.com/genesis/2-7.htm
Mass Incest
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest_in_the_Bible
http://listverse.com/2008/05/26/top-6-incestuous-relationships-in-the-bible/
All that Begetting
http://topicalbible.org/b/begetting.htm
http://topicalbible.org/b/beget.htm
http://topicalbible.org/b/begets.htm
The magic tree of life and the magic tree of the knowledge of good and evil
http://biblehub.com/genesis/2-9.htm
http://biblehub.com/genesis/2-17.htm
6,000 year old earth
http://creation.com/6000-years
Dinosaurs and Humans Co-Existing?
https://www.apologeticspress.org/apcontent.aspx?category=9&article=1493
Messed-Up Bible Stories - 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGukKa1vEzA
Jonah (living in a whale for three days)
http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/a/Jonah-And-The-Whale.htm
The Tower of Babel
Genesis 11:1-8
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2011:1-8&version=NIV
Messed-Up Bible Stories : 5 - Tower of Babel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ldI2FJQ_oE
http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/p/towerofbabel.htm
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/15005b.htm
Slime for mortar
Genesis 11:3
American King James Version
And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar.
American Standard Version
And they said one to another, Come, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar.
God Said Pi = 3; Stand By Your Beliefs Dammit
http://gospelofreason.wordpress.com/2007/06/13/god-said-pi-3-stand-by-your-beliefs-dammit/
Joshua making the sun stand still for hours
Joshua 10:1-15
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Joshua%2010:1-15&version=NIV
The walls of Jericho falling down at the sound of trumpets
Joshua 6:20
http://biblehub.com/joshua/6-20.htm
Staffs constantly becoming snakes
*If god is so good, why not turn them to butterflies or a blooming flower?
Exodus 4:1-9
Signs for Moses
Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”
2 Then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?”
“A staff,” he replied.
3 The Lord said, “Throw it on the ground.”
Moses threw it on the ground and it became a snake, and he ran from it. 4 Then the Lord said to him, “Reach out your hand and take it by the tail.” So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand. 5 “This,” said the Lord, “is so that they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has appeared to you.”
6 Then the Lord said, “Put your hand inside your cloak.” So Moses put his hand into his cloak, and when he took it out, the skin was leprousa —it had become as white as snow.
7 “Now put it back into your cloak,” he said. So Moses put his hand back into his cloak, and when he took it out, it was restored, like the rest of his flesh.
8 Then the Lord said, “If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first sign, they may believe the second. 9 But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.”
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%204:1-9&version=NIV
Exodus 7:8-13
Aaron’s Staff Becomes a Snake
8 The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 9 “When Pharaoh says to you, ‘Perform a miracle,’ then say to Aaron, ‘Take your staff and throw it down before Pharaoh,’ and it will become a snake.”
10 So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and did just as the Lord commanded. Aaron threw his staff down in front of Pharaoh and his officials, and it became a snake.
11 Pharaoh then summoned wise men and sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians also did the same things by their secret arts: 12 Each one threw down his staff and it became a snake. But Aaron’s staff swallowed up their staffs. 13 Yet Pharaoh’s heart became hard and he would not listen to them, just as the Lord had said.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+7%3A8-13&version=NIV
Flying people
http://biblehub.com/revelation/14-6.htm
For thus saith the LORD; Behold, he shall fly as an eagle, and shall spread his wings over Moab. Kerioth is taken, and the strong holds are surprised, and the mighty men’s hearts in Moab at that day shall be as the heart of a woman in her pangs. And Moab shall be destroyed from being a people, because he has magnified himself against the LORD. (Jeremiah 48:40-42 KJV)
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31 KJV)
Therefore hear the counsel of the LORD, that he hath taken against Edom; and his purposes, that he hath purposed against the inhabitants of Teman: Surely the least of the flock shall draw them out: surely he shall make their habitations desolate with them. The earth is moved at the noise of their fall, at the cry the noise thereof was heard in the Red sea. Behold, he shall come up and fly as the eagle, and spread his wings over Bozrah: and at that day shall the heart of the mighty men of Edom be as the heart of a woman in her pangs. (Jeremiah 49:20-22 KJV)
But they shall fly upon the shoulders of the Philistines toward the west; they shall spoil them of the east together: they shall lay their hand upon Edom and Moab; and the children of Ammon shall obey them. (Isaiah 11:14)
500,000 Israelites were slain in a single battle
http://biblehub.com/2_chronicles/13-17.htm
Samson killing 1000 Philistines with a donkey jaw
Judges 15:15
http://biblehub.com/judges/15-15.htm
http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com/2009/11/gods-52nd-killing-samson-kills-1000.html
Samson tearing a lion apart
Judges 14:5-9 New International Version (NIV)
5 Samson went down to Timnah together with his father and mother. As they approached the vineyards of Timnah, suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him. 6 The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done. 7 Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.
8 Some time later, when he went back to marry her, he turned aside to look at the lion’s carcass, and in it he saw a swarm of bees and some honey. 9 He scooped out the honey with his hands and ate as he went along. When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion’s carcass.
Samson tears down the temple with his bare hands
Judges 16:26-30
26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, “Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.” 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the Lord, “Sovereign Lord, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.
Samson, Delilah and magic hair - Bible Story Summary
http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/p/samsondelilah.htm
Lot who offered his own ‘virgin’ daughters to a town of angel rapers
Genesis 19:1-8
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2019:1-8&version=NIV
The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah
Genesis 19:9-25
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2019:9-25&version=NIV
Messed-Up Bible Stories - 6 - Sodom and Gomorrah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_JRZX0zwPA
Lot’s Wife turned into a pillar of salt
Genesis 19:26
http://biblehub.com/genesis/19-26.htm
Lot’s "drunken cave incest with his own ‘virgin’ daughters
Genesis 19:30-36
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2019:30-36&version=NIV
Messed-Up Bible Stories - 7 - The Seduction of Lot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCSQg1jteAo
God’s 2 bears mauling 42 children to death for teasing
2 Kings 2:23-25 Elisha Is Jeered
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. 25 And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria.
The Bald Avenger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iNoM14t-ZM
Bones coming alive
Ezekiel 37 New International Version (NIV)
The Valley of Dry Bones
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
4 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
9 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
11 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”
Angels rescuing prisoners
http://biblehub.com/acts/5-19.htm
http://biblehub.com/acts/12-7.htm
Brides being swapped on their wedding day
Genesis 29:15-30 New International Version (NIV)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2029:15-30&version=NIV
Two hundred foreskins paid to a king to marry his daughter
Before Byron, before Casanova, there was David. Young and in love, David desperately wants to marry Saul’s daughter Michal and offers Saul anything he wants to let him marry her. What could Saul possibly want? Money? A vow of love? No. Saul wants foreskins. 100 to be exact. Why? Who cares. If you want my daughter, you’re going to have to find 100 foreskins by tomorrow. David finds this odd, but then again this girl is hot, so he goes out and kills 200 men, and collects their foreskins. It’s only then he remembers that he only needs 100 foreskins. Oops. Oh well, maybe if he hands over twice as many foreskins, Saul will be doubly as impressed. Indeed he is and duly hands over his daughter to David.
1 Samuel 18
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Samuel%2018&version=NIV
Foreskin Follies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlScy3FZCzU
Jacob putting branches of various design in front of his cattle while copulating and genetically inventing streaked/speckled/spotted cattle.
Genesis 30:37-39
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+30%3A37-39&version=NIV
A battle scorpion-tailed/lion-teethed/horse locust plague with human faces, women’s hair, iron armor and crowns, that tortured people for 5 months straight.
Revelation 9:1-12
1 Then the fifth angel blew his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen to earth from the sky, and he was given the key to the shaft of the bottomless pit. 2 When he opened it, smoke poured out as though from a huge furnace, and the sunlight and air turned dark from the smoke.3 Then locusts came from the smoke and descended on the earth, and they were given power to sting like scorpions. 4 They were told not to harm the grass or plants or trees, but only the people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. 5 They were told not to kill them but to torture them for five months with pain like the pain of a scorpion sting. 6 In those days people will seek death but will not find it. They will long to die, but death will flee from them! 7 The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. They had what looked like gold crowns on their heads, and their faces looked like human faces. 8 They had hair like women’s hair and teeth like the teeth of a lion. 9 They wore armor made of iron, and their wings roared like an army of chariots rushing into battle. 10 They had tails that stung like scorpions, and for five months they had the power to torment people. 11 Their king is the angel from the bottomless pit; his name in Hebrew is Abaddon, and in Greek, Apollyon—the Destroyer. 12 The first terror is past, but look, two more terrors are coming!
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+9%3A1-12&version=NIV
200 million horsemen with lion-head and snake-tailed horses that shoot fire, smoke and sulfur, killing 1/3 of the human race.
Revelation 9:13-21
The number of mounted troops was 200 million; I heard their number. 17 This is how I saw the horses in my vision: The horsemen had breastplates that were fiery red, hyacinth blue, and sulfur yellow. The heads of the horses were like lions’ heads, and from their mouths came fire, smoke, and sulfur. 18 A third of the human race was killed by these three plagues by the fire, the smoke, and the sulfur that came from their mouths. 19 For the power of the horses is in their mouths and in their tails, for their tails, which resemble snakes, have heads, and they inflict injury with them.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%209:13-21&version=NIV
Daniel’s Four Beasts
3 Four great beasts, each different from the others, came up out of the sea.
4 “The first was like a lion, and it had the wings of an eagle. I watched until its wings were torn off and it was lifted from the ground so that it stood on two feet like a human being, and the mind of a human was given to it.
5 “And there before me was a second beast, which looked like a bear. It was raised up on one of its sides, and it had three ribs in its mouth between its teeth. It was told, ‘Get up and eat your fill of flesh!’
6 “After that, I looked, and there before me was another beast, one that looked like a leopard. And on its back it had four wings like those of a bird. This beast had four heads, and it was given authority to rule.
7 “After that, in my vision at night I looked, and there before me was a fourth beast—terrifying and frightening and very powerful. It had large iron teeth; it crushed and devoured its victims and trampled underfoot whatever was left. It was different from all the former beasts, and it had ten horns.
8 “While I was thinking about the horns, there before me was another horn, a little one, which came up among them; and three of the first horns were uprooted before it. This horn had eyes like the eyes of a human being and a mouth that spoke boastfully.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Daniel+7&version=NIV
~Also,Revelation 4:6-8
6 In front of the throne was a shiny sea of glass, sparkling like crystal. In the center and around the throne were four living beings, each covered with eyes, front and back.
7 The first of these living beings was like a lion; the second was like an ox; the third had a human face; and the fourth was like an eagle in flight.
8 Each of these living beings had six wings, and their wings were covered all over with eyes, inside and out. Day after day and night after night they keep on saying,
Bible slavery, torture, rape, human sacrifice, infanticide, war, and genocide
How To Beat Your Slave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQFI66E12sU
Cursing of the Fig Tree
http://biblehub.com/matthew/21-19.htm
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+11%3A12-25&version=NIV
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+13%3A1-9&version=NIV
Raising Lazarus from the Dead
http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/p/raisinglazarus.htm
Driving pigs into the sea after infecting them with “demons”
Matthew 8:28-34
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+8%3A28-34&version=NIV
Parting an entire ocean
Exodus 14 The Red Sea Crossing
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+14&version=NKJV
God transforming into a pillar of fire and a pillar of clouds:
Exodus 13:20-22
20 After leaving Sukkoth they camped at Etham on the edge of the desert. 21 By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. 22 Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%2013:20-22&version=NIV
Changing Water Into Wine
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+2%3A1-11&version=NIV
Walking on the Water
Matthew 14:22-33
New International Version (NIV)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+14%3A22-33&version=NIV
This story is also told in Mark 6:45-52 and John 6:16-21
http://christianity.about.com/od/biblestorysummaries/p/walkingonwater.htm
The claimed food miracles
Feeds the Five Thousand (4 accounts)
Matthew 14:13-21, Mark 6:31-44, Luke 9:10-17, John 6:5-15
Feeds the Four Thousand (2 accounts)
Mark 8:1-9 Matthew 15:32-39
Noah’s Ark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CccaGaKOlSI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_BzWUuZN5w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLr5vl-n0Bo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk1owD9y1hc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I225Vcs3X0g
The “virgin” Mary
Resurrected Zombie worship by way of eating flesh and drinking blood http://tmblr.co/ZTwOHxMmlS6j
The trinity 1+1+1=1 godhead triune god http://tmblr.co/ZTwOHxHK4KbP
Fictional jesus http://tmblr.co/ZkpfQtaKiFCa
We almost forgot the greatest and most fictionally absurd, “holy ghost,” AKA Holy Casper.
Was Fictional jesus Created Through Hebephilia Rape, with the Coercion of Consent, Through Intimidation, Power Differentials and Stockholm Syndrome? Was the Religion of christianity Founded on Rape? http://tmblr.co/ZTwOHxZbJ1Rz
In the King James version, the phrase Holy Spirit is mentioned 7 times ad the phrase Holy Ghost is mentioned 89 times.
We have an entire page dedicated to that idiotic concept:
https://www.facebook.com/NoHolyGhost
We help people achieve the highest level of beautiful Constitutional-Blasphemy possible. PROVE how sure you are of your Atheism and opposition to religion…DENOUNCE THE FICTIONAL holy ghost TODAY!!! “Blasphemy is a victimless crime” Blasphemy is a positive force against religion to expose its complete nonrelevance and insignificance. “This crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves.” ~Robert Green Ingersoll
According to the imaginary jesus in the fraudulent bible, blasphemy against the holy ghost is the greatest crime a person can commit and can never be forgiven. It is worse than all the crimes that christian leaders in history have enjoyed such as genocide, murder, rape and torture.
~Mostly, this is a fun and provocative page but sometimes we touch on real issues to expose the Holy CASPER The Friendly Ghost as well as the fraudulent cults of judaism, christianity, and islam. Unlike many pages, we have no fear of mocking islam. We have no mercy on any of the 3 abrahamic blood/death cults.
~Free Speech is the foundation on which all other liberties rest. We are opposed to the growing suppression of religious criticism. Not long ago, the death penalty for Blasphemy was common everywhere. Many Blasphemy laws are still in place all over the world and religious leaders are fighting politically/legally to expand them. Watch the video: Freedom Under Fire: U.N. Anti-Blasphemy Resolution - With Christopher Hitchens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji-qdC5zYd4
“Every great truth begins as a blasphemy.” ~George Bernard Shaw~
We will expose the fraud of speaking in tongues (glossolalia, glossia or zenoglossia). Around 20% of christians claim that the holy ghost causes them to lose total control of their minds and bodies. They run around screaming, yelling, they convulse, drop to the floor, speak in tongues, uncontrollably dance, violently flail around and act totally possessed. Here is an example: Holy Ghost Terrorizing Christians in a Church http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ0373FD5f4
An additional christian fraud that we will expose is the ridiculous trinity doctrine. The trinity is seen as the heart and most important aspect of mainstream christian faith. It claims the unity of father, son, and holy spirit as three persons in one divine being, called the godhead or the divine essence of god. In reality, the trinity is absurd.
In achieving the highest level of beautiful Constitutional-Blasphemy possible, we post drawings, art and photo-manipulation that desecrates the bible’s imaginary holy spirit/ghost, aka jesus’ pet dove. Please see our photo section for over 125 examples. Please press the share buttons on as many as you can. This will help promote our page.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.148615898543647.37995.148611698544067&type=3
The bible proof that our theory of Blasphemy techniques are the ultimate sin:
CLAIMED QUOTES BY THE bible’s IMAGINARY jesus:
Mark 3:28-29 “Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
Matthew 12:31-32 "And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.”
Luke 12:10 “And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.”
The 2nd commandment of the bible:
Exodus 20:4 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
Ghost (123 Occurrences in the bible)
http://topicalbible.org/g/ghost.htm
~Videos
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0886D8914D5FA08F
~Related Articles
http://www.atheistmafia.com/index.php/2010/09/stupid-bible-story-part-1-talking-donkeys/
http://www.atheistmafia.com/index.php/tag/stupid-bible-stories/page/10/
http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-awkward-bible-stories.php?wpst=1
http://listverse.com/2008/01/31/top-10-bizarre-biblical-tales/
http://commonsenseatheism.com/?p=21
http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_the-9-most-badass-bible-verses.html
http://www.cracked.com/article_16546_the-6-raunchiest-most-depraved-sex-acts-from-bible.html
http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/donald_morgan/absurd.html
http://www.lizaphoenix.com/encyclopedia/biblical.shtml
http://www.deism.com/biblemonsters.htm
http://jids.fcpages.com/GodsCreatures.html
http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-monsters-in-the-bible.php?wpst=1
http://notapottedplant.blogspot.com/2009/12/top-ten-worst-bible-stories.html?m=1
Bonus:
5 Miracles Deleted From the Bible For Being Too Awesome
You probably already know that the Bible you have on your lap as you fact-check Cracked articles has been heavily edited. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that, as you can imagine, over the centuries lots of people have tried adding their own books to it, to advance an agenda or because they thought it would spice things up.
The point is, there are whole other books that used to be part of the Bible, until someone took a hard look and said, “No way.” And it’s too bad, because some of the miracles performed in these apocryphal texts are freaking amazing.
#5. John: Commander of Bed Bugs
Early Christians considered The Acts of John to be the gospel truth, just like the Four Gospels and the fact that it’s going to rain right after you get your car washed. That is, until church officials took a harder look at the stories in the book in 325. Not only was The Acts of John bounced out of the Bible, but the church burned all known copies. That’s how bananas it was. Keep that in mind as you read further.
So, John is traveling around to spread the gospel as far as he can and has amassed a decent following. The group he is traveling with comes to an abandoned inn, and they decide to rest for the night. Too bad there’s only one bed, which obviously goes to John. Double too bad that the bed is full of bed bugs. How do the apostles know? Because John talks to them. Not the friends, the bugs:
I say unto you, O bugs, behave yourselves, one and all, and leave your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place, and keep your distance from the servants of God.
“Behave yourselves,” he says, like he’s talking to a pre-K room of humans or characters in an Austin Powers movie. The next morning, when the group wakes up, they see a brigade of bed bugs standing patiently outside the door of the inn, waiting:
“Since ye have well behaved yourselves in hearkening to my rebuke, come unto your place.”
John invites the bed bugs back into the house, and they immediately crawl back into the bed and disappear into the crevices. Win-win for everyone.
#4. Peter, the Talking Dog and the Resurrected Fish
If The Acts of Peter are to be believed, Peter was like that kid who would eat hot sauce laced with dirt if you just dared him hard enough. He’d do anything to convince unbelievers he was a true representative of God, which kind of makes sense if you remember that Peter was the guy who denied even knowing Jesus three times the night before the Crucifixion. He had a lot of making up to do.
Now, we’re going to go more into this in a minute, but Peter had a bizarre grudge against a Jewish magician named Simon. Simon, according to Peter, was leading people astray and sullying God’s name. In Peter’s head, the whole Simon thing could be solved with a few miracles. Miracle One: Give a dog the voice of a man to send a warning.
And Peter, seeing a great dog bound with a strong chain, went to him and loosed him, and when he was loosed the dog received a man’s voice and said unto Peter: What dost thou bid me to do, thou servant of the unspeakable and living God? Peter said unto him: Go in and say unto Simon in the midst of his company: Peter saith unto thee, Come forth abroad, for thy sake am I come to Rome, thou wicked one and deceiver of simple souls.
Oh, shiiiiit. Peter just summoned Simon via dog. VIA DOG. And check this out.
And immediately the dog ran and entered in, and rushed into the midst of them that were with Simon, and lifted up his forefeet and in a loud voice said …
What he said was not important. He said what Peter told him to say, which, P.S., isn’t too crazy in the Bible world since a donkey got the power of speech in the Old Testament. What’s crazy is that this dog stands up to deliver the message. He stood up like people. This dog becomes the star of the show, which kind of plays out like a low-rent soap opera.
But Simon saith to the dog: Say that I am not here.
To which Dog replies:
Hast thou taken thought so long, to say at last: 'Tell him that I am not within?’ Art thou not ashamed to utter thy feeble and useless words against Peter the minister and apostle of Christ.
Simon gets shamed by a walking, shockingly eloquent dog. Eventually Dog reports back to Peter.
And when the dog had said this he fell down at the apostle Peter’s feet and gave up the ghost.
He died. The dog died. And still the people weren’t totally convinced Peter was the real deal. Maybe because HE KILLED A DOG to prove a point. So Peter, Jesus’ favorite fuckup, makes things right with another miracle. He looks around the room and, completely overlooking the fact that the greatest dog that has ever lived is lying dead right in front of him, notices a smoked herring (or sardine, depending on the translation) in the window and asks the crowd if he should resurrect it:
If ye now see this swimming in the water like a fish, will ye be able to believe in him whom I preach?
“Pleeeeeease?” (We’re imagining he was kind of whiney about it.) The crowd agrees that seeing a dead fish swim would be enough of a sign for them to believe Peter. So Peter steps over the dead dog, grabs the fish, and throws what is undoubtedly someone’s supper into a bath. It immediately starts swimming. The next thing you know …
And seeing this, many followed Peter and believed in the Lord.
Talking, walking dog, not so much. A resurrected fish? Truly your God is the one and only true God.
#3. Jesus Returns as a Giant
Most of us have seen enough church to know the story of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. He’s buried in a tomb, which is kind of like a cave with a big rock in front of it. Three days after his death, there’s a great commotion, and one or two angels come down from heaven to roll away the stone blocking the tomb. Jesus emerges and proceeds to rock history with his message.
But when fragments of The Gospel of Peter were found buried in Egypt in 1886, the details of the resurrection story were a little different. The first to get on the scene on Easter Sunday see this:
… they saw again three men come out of the sepulchre, and two of them sustaining the other, and a cross following, after them. And of the two they saw that their heads reached unto heaven, but of him that was led by them that it overpassed the heavens. And they heard a voice out of the heavens saying: “Hast thou (or Thou hast) preached unto them that sleep?” And an answer was heard from the cross, saying: “Yea.”
When the angels and Jesus get out of the tomb where Jesus used to be dead, they turn into giants. The angels’ heads reach up to the clouds and Jesus’ noggin went up even further so that he can have some one-on-one time with God. Then God says,
“DID YOU GO TALK TO THE UNDEAD YET?”
“YEAH,” said the cross.
“Yes,” the cross answered. We don’t even know if the cross was walking along on its own legs or bouncing behind them like a pogo stick. Maybe it had a mouth. The writer didn’t specify. Honestly, if you’ve got a choice between staring at giant Jesus and an anthropomorphic cross, where are you going to look? It’s no wonder he didn’t get all the details down.
#2. Jesus is a Talking Star
The Revelation of the Magi is a newly translated tale of the Christmas story from the perspective of the wise men (Magi) who brought gifts to the baby Jesus. It starts off as most Christmas stories do, with a tight-fisted old grump learning the meaning of the season and Santa secretly being real all along. Also, the birth of baby Jesus triggers an astronomical anomaly that lures curious well-wishers.
Now, in the version you know, the star was just a bright spot in the night sky, gently guiding the Magi to a stable in Bethlehem. In this apocryphal version, the star descends from the desert sky, hangs out in a “Cave of Treasures of Hidden Mysteries” and has baby arms that beckon the wise men to him.
And (something) like the hand of a small person drew near in our eyes from the pillar and the star and we saw the star enter the Cave of Treasures and Hidden Mysteries and the cave shone beyond measure.
So the star is a little person. That person is Jesus the Pre-Born Star Child. Star Jesus tells the Wise Men his whole future – all of it. Starting with how he’s going to get born at any second now.
I will be born like a human being. And again, worship me there: Even now, as I am speaking with you, I am also there.
So even as Mary is pushing through her contractions, Star Child Jesus is off in the desert in a cave, chilling with some exotic foreigners. And can you blame him? If you were all-knowing while getting birthed, wouldn’t you want to get the hell out of town?
Jesus goes on to explain, like, how he’s going to eventually die on a cross and tells them to take all the treasures in the cave and bring them to come meet … himself … again, presumably so they can to turn them over to baby Jesus when they get to Bethlehem. In this version of the Nativity, Jesus is both a star and a hustler.
The Magi then set off on their journey as the Jesustar leads them, but the star doesn’t just stay in the sky in the direction that the Magi should follow. The star is literally leading them along. The star gives them food and makes it so they don’t tire out. They can walk day and night because the star outshines even the sun. The star levels mountains, allows the Magi to walk on water, and …
when we crossed into the places [of beasts and vicious snakes], we trampled them with our feet.
… walk on animals, before finally reaching their destination.
#1. Peter the Wizard-Slayer
So you’re hanging out in Rome when word gets out that there’s going to be a wizard battle: The forces of good are challenging the forces of evil. “Sweet!” you say, before discretely dropping a Horcrux. Before you know it the Bad Wizard proves his superior powers by flying above the city. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re probably thinking of Voldemort and Dumbledore/Harry Potter, except things didn’t end up nearly as awful for He Who Must Have Apnea Because He Doesn’t Have a Nose.
Now, to pick up where we left off with Peter and Simon the magician … Peter’s given a dog a voice and resurrected a fish, so Simon knows he’s got to do something huge to win back his followers. Good thing HE KNOWS HOW TO FLY. For real, Simon goes up to a high place and begins flying over Rome.
… Peter seeing the strangeness of the sight cried unto the Lord Jesus Christ: If thou suffer this man to accomplish that which he hath set about, now will all they that have believed on thee be offended, and the signs and wonders which thou hast given them through me will not be believed: Hasten thy grace, O Lord, and let him fall from the height and be disabled; and let him not die but be brought to nought, and break his leg in three places. And he fell from the height and broke his leg in three places.
What the hell? First up, the guy that’s not on God’s side can fly. Peter can’t fly, but the allegedly dark lord of magic who’s leading believers astray can fly. Second up, fresh off the wisdom of “Do unto others as you’d have done to you” and “Turn the other cheek,” Peter, the foundation of the Christian Church and the first pope, asks God to make this man fall to the ground and break his leg in three places. And because God is petty, he does exactly what Peter asks – and more.
No sooner had Simon fallen to the ground and shattered his leg, than
… every man cast stones at him and went away home.
That’s right, Simon is writhing around on the ground in pain with a broken leg, and the crowd stones him. Simon later dies while having his leg operated on. So instead of praying for Simon to have a quick and painless death, he ends up putting Simon through the worst physical and emotional pain imaginable, which eventually leads to his death. Apparently God works prayers on genie wish rules. Peter appears to want to show Simon some mercy, and we can just picture God saying, “As you wish. Wink.” Yes, we picture God as the type of person who says “Wink” when they wink.
So you can probably see why this torture porn of a gospel didn’t make it into the canon.
http://www.cracked.com/article_20248_5-miracles-deleted-from-bible-being-too-awesome.html
BOOKS: http://www.amazon.com/Andy-Robb/e/B0034NMKNU/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1
Exposing the FRAUD of the Bible (Old & New Testament), Qur’an, Hadith and many other Bronze-Age Religious Scriptures
Evidence: The Bible (Old & New Testament), Qur’an, Hadith and many other Bronze-Age Religious Scriptures are the most Barbaric, Savage, Violent, Repulsive, Disgusting, Immoral, Unethical and Evil Fictions That Men Have Ever Written
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