My face in 2012, and 2014. The same, but different. 80 lbs. different. I am still “fat” by societal standards, but the people who loved me then love me now and beyond a brief period of enjoying being thinner, I derive no more satisfaction from being the weight I am now than the weight I was then. The confidence boost was nice, but it wares off because it is ultimately facile and superficial. My personal politics in regard to body size are pretty anti-fat shaming and accepting of all shapes and sizes, but when it comes to myself I still have an ingrained body shame. I’ve been confident, I’ve felt I looked good, but it wares off. The shame and acceptance that I am “less than” pervades and it’s hard to escape. Sure, it’s nice to fit into sizes I haven’t worn since junior high, but ultimately I am no one’s idea of “perfect.” I’m lucky in the sense that I have someone who loves me and accepts me no matter what I look like, and is always eager to tell me how great I look, but nothing can override a sense of sense of shame about one’s own body. I’ve wondered whether my continuing struggle with body image is because I didn’t work for the change. The weight loss came from a few things, years of being vegan, living paycheck to paycheck, often forgoing proper meals for whatever I could scrounge from bodegas to stretch my last few dollars, and walking a lot. I didn’t work for weight loss. It happened to me. So there’s no inherent pride of setting a goal and accomplishing it. My heavier weight also “just happened” to me, and there’s no guarantee that it will continue unless I do start working for it. I have, in fact, gained back about 20 lbs, after I lost an initial 100. I don’t exactly know why I’m choosing this moment to share all of this, but I think it is to remind myself that no matter what I look like I’m me. It’s a cliche, reductive statement, but it is also true. My body is a vessel that carries whatever is essentially “me.” I wouldn’t call it a soul (I’m too much of a physicalist for that), but whatever “essence” makes up me, is not relegated solely to my weight. I am large, I contain multitudes, beyond whatever you see when you look at me.
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