Tyler and Zach go to the Redbox

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Tyler is a seventh year English major and retired children’s shoe salesman.

Zach is a painter and has a Certificate of Completion from a two-year acting conservatory.

Tyler and Zach became close friends while writing for their high school newspaper. There’s an oft-cited incident where the Editor-in-Boring’s decision to pull Zach’s book review of American Psycho spurred Tyler to action. After seducing and sleeping with the Editor-in-Panties-in-a-Twist proved ineffective (but nice), Tyler threatened the paper with legal action if they refused to print it, invoking several amendments while Zach waved his arms around passionately. Did they print it? You bet your ass they did. Were there consequences? Sure, a few broken hearts, and a royally pissed off newspaper advisor. But their legend grew and this story is still told today, by them

September 9, 2010

Jesus Camp

This week’s review must begin with a somewhat tedious, but necessary, distinction: it seems clear to us that (a) there are Christians, and (b) there are “Christians.” This is unfortunate and can cause confusion when Christians come up in conversation. For the sake of clarity, “Christians” will henceforth be referred to as Christians. Our apologies to Christians.

Jesus Camp is a great documentary about a terrible group of people called Christians. These evangelical fundamentalists believe that a holy war is being waged for America’s soul, and that to achieve ultimate victory, they must build an army of righteous warriors ready to become martyrs for the cause. Taking (and citing) a page from the terrorist handbook, they draft their army from the ranks of the Dora the Explorer Fan Club; which is to say, they recruit children. Christian children probably aren’t allowed to watch Dora the Explorer.

T. What could be objectionable about Dora the Explorer?

Z. Talking monkey.

T. Ah.

Now, we don’t want to come off as questioning the logic or feasibility of their recruitment strategy. On the contrary: it’s brilliant. Children are naïve and impressionable; they’re passionate and easily manipulated; especially if they’re being told that they’re fighting for good against evil. Kids eat that shit up. We’re just saying that recruiting children for a holy war is kind of, well, fucking reprehensible.

There are reasons why it is against the law for an adult to have sex with a child,

The Pope: “Wait, what?”

and perhaps it is for these very same reasons that indoctrinating children is frowned upon. Children have a respect for adults which isn’t based on character or responsibility, but rather on the fact that adults are fucking gigantic.

T. Fine, three days, then he came back to life, just please put me down.

Z. Everything you’re saying makes perfect logical sense to me, and it is totally by my own volition that I agree with you and would like to become a Christian myself. Also, I just shit in my pants because I’m five.

While it is important (and unavoidable) that parents instill values in their children, it is paramount that a child still be given room to grow, think, and, eventually, decide for themselves what they believe. A value or belief that is supported by thought and reason is one that can always be revised and improved. However, a value or belief that is taught strictly through manipulation and fear can only lead to ruin. Or, at the very least, terrible grades in science class.

T. Alright, class. Can anyone tell me how old the earth is?

Z. 6,000 years.

T. Not quite. I’m sorry, Zach.

Z. I’m sorry too. That you’re going to hell.

T. That may be, but you’ll be going to summer school first.

Perhaps more alarming than watching pressured little kids going into conniptions and speaking in tongues–

T. When Christians are filled with the Holy Spirit, they can begin spontaneously speaking a new language: fucking gibberish.

Z. It’s historically a spoken language, but we hired a crack team of skilled linguists to transcribe some of it: “Shunundunfu! Bljederadji-munfluflu! Chi ki chi-Chi ki chi!”

T. Which means, roughly, “Is this right? Am I doing this right?”

Z. Or, depending on the dialect: “Repeating syllables! Repeating syllables!”

–Perhaps more alarming than watching children work themselves into a guilt-ridden hysteria, is that all of this fear-mongering is in service of an extremist political agenda. The Evangelical Right (redundant) hates the Gay Left (redundant) and thinks that personal morality should be legislated in compliance with traditional biblical values carefully chosen at random.

Z. For instance: You may not put your penis in a butt.

T. But you may put your penis in a mouth, provided it’s your wife’s mouth.

Z. Wait a minute, isn’t oral sex still sodomy?

T. Only if you know how to read.

Jesus Camp is a well-made but horrifying journey into the heart of Evangelical America. More importantly, it’s a heartbreaking examination of children being sold a bill of goods while desperately trying to evoke the love of a higher power. Their parents.

Z. Shunnunununu.

T. Mungabogglebluda.

Jesus Camp: 4 Bravehearts.

11:32pm | URL: https://tmblr.co/ZXXJGy11K4yy

(Notes: 35)