In Spring of 2002, I sent my best friend a series of extremely cracked out emails during finals. Because she loves me, she forwarded them to me this week. 

I now bring you “Cracked Out Late Night Emails: Volume 4,” the rest of which has been published for your viewing pleasure. To catch up, here are the emails from 12 am, 1 am, and 5-7 am. 

FADE IN: 

INT. BASEMENT COMPUTER LAB - MOFFIT UNDERGRAD LIBRARY - 9:23 am

HAYLEY (20), is frantically writing a final project for her Hitchcock class. During a brief break, she writes the following email, the fifth in this multi-hour paper-writing process, to her best friend who is living abroad.

Sent: Thursday, May 16, 2002 9:24 AM

Subject: 9:23 am…done.

done:
Title: "Oh, We’re Never Gonna Survive Unless We Get A Little Crazy, Or: Who The Hell Wants To Live In Wine Country Anyways? I Don’t, Or:The American Small Town: The Milieu for Massacre In Alfred Hitchcock’s Shadow of a Doubt and The Birds“
# of men that have tried to pick me since 4am - 2
favorite pick up line: "Hey, didn’t I meet you at Henry’s two years ago?  You work with children right, but your hair was short and blond then, right?”
number of meals I’ve eaten: 0
number of computers eaten: 0
number of times drug-seeking friend has interupted me to discuss possible drug use as a way to help finals stress: 5
times I’ve changed in the last 24 hours - none
screw you guys, i’m going home


***It’s a pity to shoot the pianist when the piano is out oftune.

Analysis: Yes, that was ACTUALLY the title of my paper. That was my thing in college. Since I was an English major, my life revolved around papers; I was constantly holed up reading 5 books per week, writing response papers, analyses, term papers, blah blah blah. Since I was writing all the time, I figured I’d fuck around with readers and professors by humoring them with multiple titles for even the smallest paper, much to the massive annoyance of my Senior Thesis advisor, who pleaded with me to keep my piece on Faulkner and the use of negative space in American Beauty brief. However, in a classic tribute to Faulkner, my paper’s title was 17 lines long, written in stream of consciousness, and studded with parentheticals.
 

This is because I try to be funny.

Also, I am a mega-nerd.