2. Sugar coating a BJ [literally]

I guess I am an old fashioned immigrant from the Chocolate Factory where the schnozberries taste like schnozberries, but dick should (and will always find a way to) taste like dick. Flavored lubes are like shitty air fresheners. Like air freshener leaves a room that reeks of rotting fish to reek of rotting fish with a hint of spring flowers, your mouth will be left with the dick you started with…and a hint of cheesecake.

3. Mass texting

There are a lot of beautiful things about modern technology, but if you exploit that technology, things get ugly fast. Read: mass texting. There is a time and a place for it, sure (i.e. “Abort the party, the cops showed up and confiscated the Karkov!”). But if you are sending a “Hey girl! What are you doing tonight?” text to a baker’s dozen of bitties at 7 p.m. on a Saturday evening, you best believe that your attempt to vet for the most socially relevant gathering will be exposed. Sleuth the old-fashioned way and gossip with a well-connected friend like the rest of us. It’s less offensive to people’s egos.

4. Everything that comes out of Newt Gingrich’s mouth

I don’t know if it’s all of the shit coating the inside of his puffy cheeks, or if he has a cotton candy flavored dick lodged in the back of his throat, but the sound of this guys’ voice turns my stomach. As does every audible word that comes out of his mouth. No, Newt, the “elite media” that you have most comically removed yourself from should not be asking why Obama apologized for the accidental burning of Korans. It’s not part of a secret plot to wage war on the Catholic church you joined to be a shining moral example to the country..and by that I mean electable in the South.