Jealous feelings come from a sense of loss, or a fear of it. Jealous actions are usually attempts to take back control over the things we’re afraid of. For example, if you feel jealous when your partner has sex with her new partner in the Monkey with Lotus Blossom and Chainsaw position, you might be afraid that you’re losing something special: ‘That’s our position! What if this new person handles the chainsaw better than I do? What does she need me for, now that she’s found someone else to do this with?’
The jealous action might be to say, ‘I don’t want you to have sex with anyone but me in this position,’ which is an attempt to deal with the fear by taking back control. ‘If she stops doing this, I won’t feel replaced anymore!’ At least until the next threatening thing comes along.
These kinds of actions don’t create safety or security. Rather, safety and security come from knowing that your partner loves, trusts and values you. Putting controls on your partner’s behavior doesn’t tell you how she loves, trusts and values you. It does exactly the opposite–restrictions undermine intimacy by telling your partner that you don’t trust her: you don’t believe her affection is genuine.
Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert, More Than Two
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