Sometimes I let my mind wander over the way things could be, the way things should be, the way I would like things to be. I let myself enter into a world where who I am does not matter, where I am free to love whoever I want. I would hold your hand and lead you through every hard passage, down every dark corridor. I would make you smile all day long, ensuring your radiance shine through. Not a single tear would escape your eye because there would be no reason for sadness. I would shield you through the cold and bitterness of the world, and sunshine would rule our lives.
But this could never happen, should never happen, because of who I am, because of what I am. This world and its inhabitants can be so cruel. They bare their teeth at the breeze and billow their feathers at the air. Sometimes I just want to rattle this world, to spin the earth around its axel until its people are so turned about that they no longer can see “straight.”
I can see through you; I have been bestowed with this gift, this curse, to penetrate walls of pain, walls of hurt. Your heart has been shattered and pieced back together so many times that you have plastered over what is left with concrete. If no one can reach your heart, then it will be safe. But if no one can touch your heart, then it will be forever broken, no one given the opportunity to mend it. Your mouth is just like mine, not connected to your soul, but only to your mind. You know what you should say, what you should feel, in order to keep the seams of your world from ripping, in order to keep the structure sound, if only swaying. But hollow words bring a hollow world, a hollow being. It matters what you say to me; it matters what you are feeling.
You tell me I have hurt you, that I have always put others before you. And you are right. Because I will not let myself elevate you. Because you do not want me to. Because you will not let me. I will not let our friendship be forever tainted by my insecurities.
But that does not mean that is the way it could be, the way it should be, the way I would like it to be.
(Source: musingsofteeko)
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