katalytic

thecoggs:

#PK Subban as an early 20th-century detective#co-starring Carey Price as his trusty sidekick#and the Gallys as the street urchins he pays for tips on the crimes he’s trying to solve#will pay a dollar for someone to write this tbh (via subtlelikeseabrook)

subtlelikeseabrook, I can’t do noir, so here’s Encyclopedia Brown instead:

In a garage in Montreal there are two boys sitting behind a sign. The sign says:

SUBBAN DETECTIVE AGENCY 
Pernell Karl, President
No case too small!
A loonie per day plus expenses 

One of the boys is in a suit and tie and is spinning his hat on his fingers. This is Pernell Karl—better known to his friends as PK—and he is the smartest boy in Montreal because he’s read all of Wikipedia, home page to the editor comments. Next to him is his friend Carey Price. Carey is PK’s best friend, and although not as smart as PK, he helps out on cases. Right now he’s juggling some balls. 

“PK,” Carey says. “I’m bored. We haven’t had a case in days, let’s do something fun.”

PK shakes his head. “People expect me to be here, Carey. I can’t let a case slip through the cracks just because you want to play ball hockey.”

“Fine,” Carey says with a sigh and the sit in silence for a few minutes. Carey is about to ask PK if they could just take a break for an hour when two kids run into the garage, practically tripping over their shoelaces. 

The kids are Brendan Gallagher and Alex Galchenyuk, better known as the Gallys. When they’re not causing trouble together, they’re trying always trying to be “junior detectives” and give PK tips for his cases. 

“PK! PK!” they yell together, before stopping to catch their breath. Brendan pipes up first. “Something amazing has happened!”

Alex nods frantically and then yells, “Brad Meany found a giant block of gold!”

Brad Meany—also known as Marchy—was one of the members of the toughest gang in the neighborhood, the Bruins. They were always trying to cause trouble for PK and usually trying to scheme the neighborhood kids out of money.

Carey jumps out of his chair. “Like heck he found gold! PK that’s gotta be a dirty trick, you know how he is.”

PK holds up his hand. “I do Carey, but we have to get all the facts first.” He nods at the Gallys. “Where did he find this gold?”

“At the quarry,” Brendan says. “He has a special divining rod he used to find it and he says he’ll sell us our own for a toonie, and then we can find gold too!”

PK frowns. Divining rods had no scientific evidence to back them and the quarry had only had gravel there for years. “Have you guys seen this gold?”

Alex shakes his head. “No, but he’s about to show everyone!”

PK stands up and puts on his coat. “Carey, we have to get to the quarry before Brad Meany takes anyone’s money!”

It’s a short bike ride to the quarry, but by the time they get there a crowd of kids has formed. Brad Meany is standing on a box so everyone can see him. 

“That’s right,” he’s yelling. “I found a real block of gold right here! And if you give me a single toonie, I promise you’ll get rich too!”

All the kids murmur excitedly and one shouts “We want to see it, Marchy!” Brad Meany smirks before reaching down and picking up an enormous gold block. He lifts it over his head for all to see. 

“Here it is,” he says and all the kids start to ooh and ahh and move closer to him. “Now,” he says clapping his hands together. “If you’ll just form a line by Lucic and hand over your money, we’ll give your rod and—”

“Stop right there!” PK yells from the back. “No one give them any of your money—the gold is a fake!”

Someone in the crowd gasps and everyone starts talking. Carey crosses his arms menacingly. “You can’t prove that, PK!” Brad Meany yells. “This is solid gold—you’re just trying to keep everyone from getting rich.”

“I don’t need to prove it!” PK yells back. “You’ve already done that for me.”

HOW DID PK KNOW THE GOLD WAS FAKE? SCROLL TO FIND OUT!

Brad Meany sputters. “I did not!”

“Real gold is very heavy—a single brick weighs 12.4 kilograms and that,” PK says calmly as he points at the block of gold, “is much larger than a single brick. There’s no way you could have lifted it over your head—not even if you were as strong as Lucic! I bet you just painted a block of cement.”

PK walks up Brad Meany and scrapes his fingernail along the brick. Gold paints comes off.

The crowd of kids start booing and then disperses. PK walks over to Carey and claps him on the back. 

“Well buddy,” he says. “Another case closed. How about you and close the agency early and go get some milkshakes?”

“Finally!” Carey says before reaching his hand down so they can do a triple low five.