Yesterday was a rough day. I spent the morning with neutral feelings. I wasn’t feeling overly positive or anything, but I was happy enough to go throughout the morning without breaking down. At around 3 in the afternoon I decided to go practice my band music, but ended up finding out that I don’t even have it. I feel like such a failure, spending 2 months not even bothering to check if I at least had it somewhere. I looked through everything, and it was no where to be seen. Vivian sent me pictures of it and told me not to be stressed out, but I still can’t help but feel like such a failure.
I feel like everyone has such high expectations for me. Because I play so many instruments, learn musical theory, and got 1st chair in the region I’m expected to be so good at everything musical, when honestly I’m not. My sister is so responsible, and I’m expected to be just as responsible as her. It scares me, knowing that I can’t easily live up to all they want in me. School hasn’t even started yet and I feel like I’ve already let so many people down. I literally fail at every single thing I do. When I told my sister I couldn’t find the music I could tell she was disappointed in me, even though she didn’t express it as much. I just wish I were good enough.
The highlight of my day was definitely dancing to the 5sos album in the morning. Even just for a little bit, this band makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about and nothing to be sad about.
Hopefully today will be a better day.