The pillows on his bed are abundant and carefully placed.  I haphazardly toss them on the ground. He follows behind me and puts them deliberately in their storage place.  I say, “It’s just a pillow.” He replies, as he looks at me intently, “It’s never JUST a pillow.”

Being a single mom is equal parts loving and arduous labor. But when you’re a driven single mom it’s just fuckin’ tricky. 

Quitting my corporate job, giving away most of  my material belongings, then moving to NYC and living in one room with my 6year old son, while following my life passion & dream, might be considered a risky move.

Without discipline, structure and clear purpose, it can be all out destructive. 

Since our recent move, I’ve noticed my son becoming more independent.  He’s been doing more things by himself and frequently successfully.  But with this newfound independence, he’s begun calling his own shots; including telling me to “Wait,” when I tell him to do something, often accompanied by attitude or whining, depending on my response.

With my time fully consumed, sometimes it’s easiest to give in to his requests or to discount his ignoring of me. I think to myself, it’s just this once. But it isn’t - it’s almost never just this once.  Discipline and structure are necessary and when allowed to be neglected or overlooked they too easily become mitigated.

I’ve been so preoccupied with being responsible to my growing list of commitments, that I’ve become inattentive to him, in some respect.  Though I’m there for him each day, before and after school, through homework and when he falls asleep at night, I’ve left him in front of the lull of a graphic screen far too often.

 What I have come to realize is that where I am lacking in my life is exactly where I am lacking in being a conscious parent.  For example, I have moments of being extremely disciplined with my mind, body, time and space, but mostly I fluctuate between days and moments of discipline and days and moments of freedom (read: neglect).

My son reacts the way he does to me because I’ve been willing to let things slide. And anything I’m lacking in my life is because I’ve been willing to let things slide as well. Not for nothing, one definition of the phrase, “let things slide,” is, “to allow to deteriorate.”

The truth I now see is that I will not know complete freedom until I have disciplined myself sufficiently and consistently in every area of my life.  Structure is not only desired it is required.

In the realm of life architecture, one time exceptions can quickly turn into habit.  What I have derived is that in life, as on my lover’s bed, it’s never just a pillow.