There’s something about the fear of the bad that keeps us from the best of the good.

As a church kid, I grew up hearing quite a bit about sexualityº. The priority of the teaching I heard on sex, though, was about what it wasn’t, about what you shouldn’t do. I knew all the rules but had almost no understanding of the romance. I found it disappointing that the misuse of sex was apparently more noteworthy than the biblical experience of sex. Even now, writing the phrase “biblical experience of sex” doesn’t exactly turn me on.

All I wanted in high school was for one of the chief rule-followers (pastors), to get up and say, “I have an amazing sex life. In fact, I’m gonna make this short, because it’s past noon and…well, my wife is giving me the ‘afternoon delight’ look.” But that never happened.

Instead, the boundaries got more attention than what they were designed to protect. It was like someone trying to explain the thrill of the game of football by saying, “Well, you can only have 11 players on the field, otherwise you get penalized.” Awesome. Go Team.

Us churchy teens were simply admonished to dump our boyfriends and girlfriends, for we were far too lusty to control ourselves. We would surely fall into sin and ruin our lives if we gave any credence to our sex drive.  We were to commit ourselves, instead, to a life of purity.

The trouble was that I could only define purity in terms of what it wasn’t.  And I found this core value of not’s and never’s tragically uninspiring. My pursuit of purity was born from fear. Fear of failure, of being punished for breaking the rules.

I am learning now that fear of any kind is evidence that God has been left out.  He is pure love, and fear is naturally driven out in His presence. It’s ironic, then, that I would think God-less fear would be the best way to protect a God-ly gift.

I assumed that I was too passionate for my own good. But the truth is that my struggle for purity came from a lack of passion, not an excess of it. 

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To my church’s credit*, I did get one glimmer of hope. I remember them showing this video from Rob Bell when I was in high school.  

What I love about that video is that Mr. Bell seems to believe that the beauty of a Godly romance is actually far more powerful than the dangers of a sinful one. That God’s goodness is a stronger motivator than the devil’s badness. 

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I am more likely to break a set of rules than I am to break relational trust. And I am more valiant when I am fighting for something than when I’m fighting against somethingˆ.

In my rule-based mindset of purity, there was no room for my thirst for adventure, my need for intimacy or my desire for wild passion. I did my best to pretend those needs didn’t exist. But they could only be ignored for so long before flaring up in an unhealthy way. Eventually I began to despise these instinctive feelings, even giving the devil credit for them. “Oh, my sinful nature…”

But to think that my pre-marital sexual cravings are actually from God…well, that changes things. It makes me wonder if my determined disregard of them is actually keeping me from a romantic adventure I was born to experience. 

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When I would catch myself lusting after a beautiful woman, I could picture God in my mind: he’d  shake his head in disappointment, or worse, wield his judging finger in anger. Either way, I was certain his top priority was to point out my wrongdoing and get me to read my Bible more. 

But it turns out that He’s actually more likely to out-wild my wild side. To blow up my imagination so much that it makes sinful sex look like a boring waste of time. I feel him inspiring questions in my heart…

What if there were unimaginable realms of God’s love that He wanted to give me? What if the generations before me only scratched the surface of what was available in a “relationship with God?” What if it’s actually more vibrant and exciting than my most daring fantasies?

What if it were possible to have a marriage with a rich, intimate connection that far exceeded the world’s standard? What if the pornographic displays of sex I’ve seen in movies are actually unrealistic because they aren’t hot enough? What if God, the inventor of passion and pleasure, actually wants me to experience the best sex ever?

And what if God’s rules for sex weren’t a means to keep me in a merely functional routine of religious do-goodery? 

What if instead His boundaries were an invitation?

What if God’s command to remain within his boundaries was actually a tremendous act of grace? That it was an honor he reserved for his favorite kids?

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The way I see it, God by means of his boundaries, has given me an opportunity to co-write a love story with Him. I’ll attempt to explain it, but no promises˙.

I believe my desire for wild romance is not a sinful instinct to be ignored, but actually a Godly instinct for which he has provided a most-fulfilling outlet. 

He could have just wired me to not desire sex until I said, “I do.” He didn’t do it that way, even though it would have saved me from making a lot of mistakes. Instead, He allows me to fight for something, to sacrifice, to add value to the gift of my virginity. 

There’s something about self-sacrifice that makes romance so sweet.  We write songs about it. “I would walk 500 miles…”

Now every time I get an urge to act on my sex drive, I get to make a choice.  And this choice affects both my relationship with God and my relationship with my future wife. Because I can choose, I can truly love. I can be powerful. 

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The way that God set up sexual boundaries allows me to co-write the romance of my bride with him. Even before I meet her, I get to romance her. That is so exciting to me. That’s where my song “Leave On A Light” came from. It’s a song sung to a wife I’ve yet to know. In fact, writing to my future wife is one of my favorite ways to maintain the vision that gives purpose to my fight for purity.

One of these writings is actually what inspired this post. I found a letter I wrote to her about 2 years ago. It feels sacred to me, but I thought I would share a few snippets on here, just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about.

from January 2010:

[With us], sin has no power, worry no name. I loved you before I met you…My love knows no bounds with you, I sing it long til the sun rises high, relieved by your kisses… 

I’ve saved the best for you, my love.  Other loves left me scarred, but not hardened. For in love is where the greatest prize was hiding, your heart.  For fear I thought I would hesitate to enter, but for life I had no other options. My love, you bring out of me the greatness I always wished I possessed. 

…Many late nights I spent alone, not lonely but lonesome.  God gave me what I needed, but even He agreed life wasn’t good without you.  My love, how I longed for you with cries so deep only Heaven could hear. 

You are not my answer of answers, but when you came, I could think of no more questions…

I’m an unashamed hopeful-romantic, it’s true. The point is not that I get to write flowery sounding things to a future mate. The point is that God has generously provided a means for truly romantic connection, encompassing my emotional, physical, and spiritual desires. And he has extended honor to me by allowing me to make a powerful choice to pick up the pen and write a love story. 

I probably stole all of this from an R. Kelly song,

B

º Yep, it’s one of those posts

* Let me clarify that this is most definitely not a rant against my churchly upbringing, or an attempt to dishonor my former leadership. On the contrary, I believe whole-heartedly that they stewarded well what they were given for my benefit. I think it’s a good sign that the earth’s revelation of God grows deeper from generation to generation. My growing love of God and understanding of purity is a sign of my church’s success, not their failure. 

ˆ In his book, Heavy Rain, Kris Vallotton writes that “vision gives pain a purpose.” And that, “reacting to a negative rarely produces a positive.” Get it. Come to think of it, he’s got another book called Moral Revolution that’s specifically about this idea of purity. Get that one, too.

˙ This post was written by a bass guitar major, so apologies for the lack of eloquence and/or, grammatical; errors.