Hey, if you’re one of those who have been scrolling onto my tumblr page on and off over the past 5 years, thanks for sticking around you lil’ creep. 

After a long time, I’ve once again decided to sit and pen my thoughts down, and I reckon this might be the best place to. Since physical writing is just too much for me, and since that’s what I do everyday at work. But of course, more important lovey-dovey/commitment stuff goes into that red Moleskin notebook of mine that I’ve recently placed in my drawer next to my bed (even though I’ve had that notebook for 3 years now). If you stick around a little more, you’ll find out what I do for a living, who I work for and mainly my thoughts about work. The good, the bad and the ugly. So, I’m pretty new (kinda) at this and I’m not really sure where to start anymore.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who is resilient, hardworking but also carefree and happy-go-lucky. But all that changed after I started working. They tell you that the world is your oyster and there’s so much out there for you right after you graduate university. In many ways that’s so true, but not for me. I never got to explore. I never got to “snatch” opportunities. I’ve been told in many places by many people that I’ve got what it takes to _________. And I did believe it. And maybe somewhere in me right now, I still do. But I’ve never felt so broken as I have been this year. And no, I’m not trying to blow my own horn and prove to everyone that I’m good, I’m great, I’m fantastic at the things I do, or the work that I do. I honestly just think I’m adequate. I do enough to get by. I still appreciate the compliments, though. It’s like my path has been made perfect, all I have to do is walk it. What I didn’t know is that this “beautiful” path that I’ve paved for myself is full of potholes, uneven grounds and slaps across the face (not literally). 

It’s been tough for me, it has. I started with 11 years of school (primary and secondary), then moved on quickly to take a 8 month course in college for a diploma, then moved on to university about 3 months after college. University was the longest and the hardest. 5 years. Sure I didn’t have to retake any of my classes like some of my classmates did, but 5 years was a hella long time. But it was probably also the most balanced time of my life. Sure I didn’t have a lot of money and a lot of freedom, but I had the friends and the time to do the things I was/am truly passionate about without having to sacrifice my studies. Mostly now, I look back at the things I used to do in school, especially all the outdoorsy things that are basically non-existent right now. I was the most active person you’d think of. Whatever that was planned outdoors, I’d be there. Frisbee and a picnic, check. Outdoor rock climbing, check. Swimming in a lake, check. Half marathons, check. Hiking, check. And now, I hardly see the sunrise, let alone enjoy the sunset. 

It’s the little things I don’t get to do that pushes me a little more to the edge everyday. Sure I understand that we’ve got to work for a living, and maybe it’s the milllennial side of me talking but we’ve also gotta do the things we love. I have to do the things I love. And this job just isn’t letting me. Do I love my work? Somedays I do, and some days I just wanna lay in bed the whole day. Some days doing CPR keeps me alive as much as it does my patients, but some other days, I’d just like to sit in the dark and think about nothing. And as much as I don’t like to be associated with being a millennial, I am one. This job doesn’t allow me the luxury of doing the things I love. Which comes to the question “DO I LOVE MY JOB”. Because if you love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. At least that’s how I think the quote goes. It’s never like the movies or the TV shows. Of course I didn’t choose this based on the abovementioned, but as days go by I’m swamped more and more with regret. No one every tells you the amount of weight you’ll lose in your first year, the harassment you’ll get from those around you, the hours you’ll work without sleep, and the amount of people who aren’t able to understand the things you go through. 

Well, I’m having a thought block right now. We’ll see if I write more tomorrow, in a week, a month or in another 5 years. 

Thanks for sticking around.