Q: I have been invited for dinner as a final function of a 1 year working team with 10 members with the date arranged around my schedule. I really appreciate the team lead and her effort into our project. But the chosen restaurant is a carnivores dream and a vegetarians nightmare. My only option is salad. Furthermore, the restaurant logo is a smiling pig! I don’t tend to preach about (ethical) vegetarianism, but I doubt I’ll be able to help myself in this setting. How do I graciously decline?

A: You poor thing! I was a vegetarian for many years and am still a supremely picky eater, so I know how difficult and frustrating “oh, but they have salad!” can be! But, since the date was organized around your schedule, did the issue of you being a vegetarian never come up? Usually, I would say that those negotiations would be an excellent time to mention privately to your boss (or to whomever was responsible for making the reservation) that you’d prefer something a little less carnivore-centric. But since it seems not to have come up, we’ll have to play the hand we’ve been dealt! The first thing I would try and do before cancelling completely is call the restaurant, mention that you are with the large party coming in on X date, and see if they have anything they offer as accommodation for veggies. Even if they don’t necessarily put it on the menu, the restaurant can usually make you something, particularly if they are notified in advance. That way, you can still attend without making a scene and asking the waitress for something vegetarian while everyone is staring at you when you order and feeling bad they didn’t know you were vegetarian. If the restaurant can’t accommodate you, then I agree, it is not going to be a good place to be a vegetarian of any stripe, but particularly not the ethical sort. I would pull your boss aside and tell her just what you’ve told me – that you are so appreciative of the event being organized around your schedule and of the time you’ve gotten to spend with her and everyone on the project, but that as a vegetarian you fear you’ll have nothing to eat (and mention that you called to ask!) but don’t want to be responsible for any more changes being made to the plan and would like to bow out quietly. I think it’s likely that she may insist on a venue change so you can be there, but at that point, you’ve made every effort to both make it work and to decline graciously, and no one could fault you for anything, so you shouldn’t beat yourself up over the whole thing either. I hope it works out for the best! Don’t forget to write your boss a thank you note telling her how much you’ve enjoyed working with her!

xo, HB