Q: We are a two-dad family. At all of the schools our children have attended, we receive invitations to “Mom’s Night Out” — a social gathering for moms to discuss their own challenges, dreams, etc. While I appreciate being included in the invitation, I am never quite sure whether and how to respond. Other people find it downright offensive. I appreciate from the organizer’s perspective that including us is better than excluding us; however, we are not moms, and in some ways it highlights the fact that our children are “different.” I certainly don’t begrudge the moms a night out in good company, but wish we could develop some new language or expectations in an evolving world. Maybe the organizers of such gatherings could check with us — we are still few in numbers — to see if we want to be included in a public invitation. Maybe we should just respond — as I did once — that we appreciate the invitation, but there are no moms at our house and that we wish them a great night out. We look forward to your thoughts.

Miss Manners says: First, that they mean well and want to be inclusive, as you recognize. Second, that Primary Caregivers’ Night Out is not a catchy name. If you can think of a better one, Miss Manners believes that the organizers would welcome the change. But this is worth doing only if one of you genuinely wants to participate. Are the mom’s night activities something that you would enjoy? Alternatively, are there enough stay-at-home fathers, whether or not they are same-sex parents, to start a Dad’s Night Out group? Otherwise, your response makes your point politely, and might inspire the mothers to ponder updating the group’s name.

Your Head Bitch says: Yes, I think the important thing to realize is that they’re almost certainly not sending you this invitation in a “hay gurl, let’s drink mimosas and braid each other’s hair!!” kind of way and aren’t trying to be offensive. I would guess it genuinely comes from a well-intentioned place, and it’s just as likely that they are as unsure about if you would want to be invited as you are unsure about how to respond. Frankly, I see no problem with just calling the whole thing “Parent’s Night Out” and solving everyone’s problem’s right there, since there are surely some stay-at-home dads who are similarly included but feel excluded for the same reason you do. But, since it’s already “Mom’s Night Out” I think the best thing to do is to both respond and to give them a little guidance about what events you’d like to be invited to going forward, which they would surely appreciate.

Your response – that there are no moms in your home – is on the right track, but not the wording I’d choose, because it implies that they sent it to you without realizing your situation, which they almost certainly did not. Instead, I’d say, “Thanks so much for thinking of us, but we wouldn’t want to crash your ladies’ evening! Please feel free to keep us on the list for any future non-mom-specific events you’ll be having!” That way, you’ve told them that you are not offended, but also not comfortable with lady-centric gatherings, and given them a lot of help on what to invite you to going forward. There’s nothing rude about asking if someone would like to be included in something, and there’s also nothing rude about telling people what you feel comfortable being included in. They won’t know if you don’t tell them. Everything runs a little more smoothly in uncomfortable situations when we’re honest with each other and communicate well, you know?

And just in case there are women on the invitation committee who have not figured out that one of two dads doesn’t think of themself as a “mom” hopefully this will set them straight (ha!) without embarrassing them.