Q: My husband and I have made friends with another couple from church, and we’ve invited them over for dinner a few times. Each time they’ve come over, we have cooked traditional Italian meals and dessert. They have reciprocated by inviting us over to their place, where they have provided ordered-in food. These meals are not cheap, I’m sure, and I’m torn as to whether my husband and I should offer to pay for our portion of food. We always offer to bring a bottle of wine or dessert, but is that enough? On one hand I’d hate for them to feel taken advantage of, but on the other I feel as though we alternate pretty fairly with who furnishes the meal.

Miss Manners says: In this Age of Greed, it is difficult to understand that giving money can be an insult. Miss Manners knows you mean well, but paying your friends would tell them that you noticed that while you provided a home-cooked meal, they did not, and that they should not imagine that they have reciprocated, because you are paying your own way. Your better thought is that what is important here is hospitality, not the food or what it cost.

Your Head Bitch says: Oh, honey, I know you mean well, but we don’t talk about money with our friends. Ever. Period. Particularly when it relates to an event in their home to which you are a guest. As long as you don’t show up to dinner empty handed, make sure to write a thank you note after, and always trade off back and forth as to which couple is providing dinner, the polite universe considers you even, no matter what the cost of either meal.  You’d never dream of splitting your grocery bill with them when you cook, would you? Well, neither would they. If they felt it was inequitable, they wouldn’t keep doing it. Also, maybe she orders in because she can’t (or doesn’t have time) to cook. Drawing attention to this fact might make her feel bad, like you felt what she was doing didn’t equal the kind of dinner you were giving in your home, which generally isn’t how we like to make our friends feel around these parts. You’ve got a system that’s working for everyone – don’t make it awkward by bringing money into the equation.

This is my actual reaction when I think about talking about money with anyone, let alone friends.