so: 22. geeeuuhhhh. (although, for like a week i thought it was going to be 23, so 22 mercifully rings a little less terrible/pathetic/etc to me now.) not much to say about the year past really? a few very bad months, not so many really brilliant ups but i think an increase in sustained level up-ish passages; a lot of nothing in particular and ultimately no great changes. i want to say i feel like i’m leveling out a bit, like in terms of managing tendencies/habits, focusing, etc, but if i thought about it again in a month or a week or tomorrow i might well feel like i’m as bad as ever, so who knows. my main measure of this is like, when i hit one of those moods/phases where i’m suddenly obsessively interested in a thing, i try to give it a couple days and see if i’m still into it before i order in a dozen books on it, and if i do order in the dozen books on it, i try to stick with it and give it proper focus and not order in a dozen more/a dozen on something else until i’m done with that batch. and i’m doing ok at this. (similar progress w/r/t listening, though i’ve completely fallen off movies for like a month and some.) this often leaves me reading a bunch of stuff about a thing that i’m not sure if i’m that interested in, or (very often) a thing that i’m only interested in reading about (a lot of art and lit stuff, for example) but i feel like the general thinking exercise is probably some good anyway, and i mean, the general aim of all this reading about stuff has never been quite so much to learn what x is/is about/means/etc as to learn by osmosis ways of reading and thinking about, which then could be of broader use—but also, more stuff that i can not come off as a total rube about if it comes up in discussion is always good too. i kinda feel like i should have another wing to this report, like w/r/t my social life and that sort of stuff, but there’s still just not a lot there to talk about really, and sometimes i feel like i’m getting better at coming to terms with that and sometimes i feel really lonely and like that’s just going to keep swelling for the rest of my life, which, barring some unforeseen occurence, will probably be a pretty long time, and etc. anyway, only time will tell, i spose.
i’m (hopefully—applied really late and have kind of an awful track record post-secondary so fingers crossed hard, though i don’t think cbu turns many people down anyway) going back to school this fall. BA, engl major. when mom was haranguing me about doing something with my life (to be fair, i’m living in her house/on her dime so she’s got every right&reason to harangue) she had a few things that she latched onto as things she thought might be good for me and they were basically instrumentation trade/accountant/library sciences and every part of me wants to run at the thought of the first two and the last actually seems like it might be ok, so, i guess that’s the longterm plan. this would entail being stuck here for 3-4 years, which i’m trying to just take a cross-that-bridge-when-i-come-to-it approach to (which will maybe just make the temple of doom-esque horror of it even worse when i get to it??). honestly i am kind of excited at maybe getting back into school for arts stuff?? i mean, i spend a ton of my time reading academic-ish shit anyway and often wish i had something more to do with it, plus this would give me a bit of direction with it, and like maybe i could learn to be better at writing/thinking/whatever. idk. i mean there’s a ton of problems with academia of course and i don’t want to get cheerleady about it or anything, but i really actually enjoy thinking and talking about this kind of shit and this gives me probably the only excuse available to actually do that as kind of my main thing for a couple of years in a (hopefully somewhat, anyway) conducive environment. idk, idk. this enthusiasm will also maybe-probably burn out as soon as (if) i actually get into it.
anyway, hope you all are well; have had good summers and such.
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