So I get a call from my work today, so I answer it because I thought they were looking for me. Turns out, they were looking for my brother because apparently he was supposed to work today. I brought the phone to him and after the conversation with the manager, he flips shit because he already did 3 over night shifts in a row and called in sick today. Needless to say, he goes on a rage downstairs in his room, and knowing what happened last time, I start collecting my stuff and attempt to leave the house as soon as possible. Suddenly, my dog comes in crying to me and shaking like a leaf, cowering in fear (I assume he hit her) . My brother comes into my room, yelling at me because I’m a piece of shit for answering the phone, because I “knew that the manager was looking for me” and how much he hates me because I fuck him over every chance I get. He doesn’t have a ride to work, so he starts yelling and screaming about having to spend money to get a cab. I give him all the cash I have and he smacks it out of my hand saying “fuck you and your cab fair. Forget my number, forget my name because I never want to talk to you again”. I came out of my room to reassure him that I didn’t mean for that to happen by simply answering the phone, so he comes at me and I back up into the bathroom because that was the closest place to go. He whips his phone at my face, splitting my lip and still fucking yelling at me. I’m holding my dog because she’s still scared, and I’m crying with her because I’m just as scared. My dad told me that, next time my brother beats me, to call the police. But I couldn’t because I didn’t have my phone on me and I was hiding in the bathroom, just as I was 2 years ago, like the little bitch I am. Finally, he leaves and I call my mom, and am told that there’s nothing she can do about it. She gets home and doesn’t say a word to me about what happened.

That’s right. Stay silent like the victim we both are, because you won’t admit that he does the same to you. Besides, you and dad are the ones who raised us. I am what the world has made me.

So my furnace died and we’re organizing shit slowly because I had to clean and empty my brother’s old room so I can pit a new bed in it for me to have that room. The house is literally taken over by boxes, papers and portable heaters, and my dog pissed on the floor because she’s old and has bladder problems. I get really embarrassed when people see my house when it’s messy, but figured I would probably never see the furniture people again in my life and they probably don’t know me. Little did I know, one of the popular people from my school works for the furniture store and happened to be delivering and assembling my new bed. In my messy house. Well, I didn’t want to live here anyway; take me with you please.

Sometimes I feel like my friends only want to talk to me when they need help with something. I love helping people, but it’s a little much when you can’t have a normal conversation with a good friend just because they have nothing wrong at that point in time.

As soon as I plan to do some work (i.e cleaning room, homework,  etc.) I either get really sick, I start my period or something bad happens in my life that leaves me feeling weak and hurting and not wanting to get anything done. Then I don’t get anything done and I get in shit for it from my parents, friends, boyfriend and myself.

Talk to me, baby, talk to me. Won’t you talk to me? I don’t care what you say, baby, talk to me.

Talk to me to me until I press you close to me, then you’ll see we don’t have to talk at all…

I hate myself and I don’t want to be alive anymore. Is asking for someone to kill me so I don’t have to do it myself too much to ask???

I always affiliate myself with people who hurt me, play me, take advantage of me and all around abuse me… it’s getting really painful and exhausting but for some reason I just can’t stop.

I forgive, but I don’t forget. So if you lied to me and hid things from me countless times, don’t act like the victim when I bring it up to remind you of how much shit you put me through.