Q:My friend killed themselves and I don't know how to deal with it. I've talked to friends and parents and now everyone assumes I'm just over it, but I'm not. Every time I close my eyes I can picture him jumping in front of a fucking train and it won't stop and just don't know what to do. I've been self-harm free for almost and year, and I don't want to fall back on bad habits. I should have been a better friend. I also feel guilty for thinking about me instead of him right now, it's just a mess.
Hey anon,
You can’t feel guilty for things that happened in the past. Your friend’s death wasn’t your fault and laying blame won’t help you move on. You have every right to feel upset and scared. Feeling these emotions, including the guilt, are all part of the grief process.
Losing someone you love is tough, and often hard to move on from. But beating yourself up for the would’ve could’ve should’ve doesn’t help anything. In fact, it can put a cloud over your friend’s memory. You want to be able to remember your friend and all the good memories you’ve had together. There’s nothing worse than focusing on the negative when someone passes. Instead, celebrate their life. For every negative emotion you feel, conjure up a good memory the two of you shared. After my aunt’s death, I found it helpful to go back and look through photos that reminded me of the fun things we did together. Maybe you could even create a shadow box, which could include mementos of you and your friend’s relationship.
The best you can do now is be truthful with your emotions and let yourself feel them, while reminding yourself you are not at fault. It’s okay to feel sad and miss your friend, but don’t feel guilty because you’re thinking about yourself. It’s not selfish to focus on your health. Life will keep going on and so will you. You will get through this, anon. Confide in your friends and family. Go do something you enjoy. Keep your friend’s memory alive through celebrating their life. But most importantly: be safe.
Good luck,
Emily
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