7 years of Akimoto Sayaka in AKB and why I’m proud to be a Sayaka-oshi (LISTEN?~live4life 2013.07.25)

Sayaka:

Sometimes I’m still asked when I started to consider about graduating.

I don’t really consider about it. But ever since I joined AKB48, I’ve always thought that one day I would want to be able to do a lot of things in the entertainment industry on my own.
But when I really started to specifically consider about taking off on my own was around 2~3 years ago.

I’m the type that don’t really look back on the past.
There are a lot of memories and I’m really grateful for all the activities in AKB, I had a lot of chances to challenge and do a lot of things thanks to AKB.
But I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I never remember any memories or how things happened.

To put it in a good way, I live my best every single moment in my life and excitedly wait for a new day to come.
But thanks to this occasion, I have a lot of chances to look back.

When I joined AKB at 17, there was a period of time when I always tried to act strong. I didn’t want to show anyone my weak sides, I definitely wouldn’t say weak things, I was really stubborn.
But in this “Akimoto’s time”, the fact that I came to think that “I’m glad if I can talk about it” has shown that I’ve changed a lot as well.

At first, I was chosen to be senbatsu in Aitakatta, and up until Oogoe… No, not Oogoe, RIVER is my last single as senbatsu… maybe?
Sorry, I know it’s really unrespectful of me but I’m not sure what was the last single I was chosen to be in senbatsu LOL
I’m really grateful for being chosen as a senbatsu.

And then, I was dropped from senbatsu… maybe since Namida Surprise?

At first, I was really frustrated.
Only now can I say this. But back then I didn’t want to admit that I was frustrated. I just acted strong and was like “No, that’s fine~ I don’t mind. Even when I was not chosen as single senbatsu, I can still do my best in theater performance!”
Part of me just acted bluff but another part of me really thought so.

But I did wonder why I was dropped from senbatsu.
At first, they told us that girls who did give her best effort and excel in stage performance would be chosen as senbatsu. Also girls who suit with the song image would be chosen.
But when I started to be dropped from senbatsu one after another single, inside me, I couldn’t get it at all.
Now looking back, maybe I was really afraid back then.
But I still had a bit of confidence in myself. I went to meet the staffs and asked “Why was I dropped from senbatsu? If there’s anything I can try harder, I will do. If I did something wrong, if you don’t tell me I wouldn’t know. So please tell me what I did wrong that I can fix.”
I still remember I said that very clearly.

But after all, since AKB also has its own direction and there are a lot of other things.
So, when they told me “I know you’re an important member. And it’s not your fault or you did something wrong.” because I was still a kid back then, I didn’t feel satisfied with that answer at all.
But there was still a part of me felt relived. I realized because it was not my problem.

And then, the first Senbatsu Election, 12th place. I was really happy.
This year I didn’t participate in the election though.

Then, while being in AKB, I also started to have more jobs outside AKB.
There was a period of time when I was really worried about the value of my existence inside and outside of AKB.
But when I closed my eyes, I realized that I still have a lot of fans around me. It showed during elections and stuffs.
Now thinking back, it was really painful during senbatsu election. I know my fans also felt really painful during those times.
Those are the times when we can all became one.
The bonds between us and fans became stronger than ever and it kept us going on.

And then in election songs like Flying Get, I was really happy.
I know during concerts and TV shows, when AKB performed such songs, our fans would be like “Why Amina, Sayak, Mocchi… were vote to be in senbatsu but they won’t let them sing here!”
“Those are the positions the girls earn, why don’t you let them sing!!!”
I also know how it feels for our fans and I know why you would think like that.

When I was 17, I didn’t know to make my fans happy at all. But lately I have came to be able to rely on my fans a bit.
That’s why these 2~3 years…

Also, there was a period of times when I completely disappeared from TV. To be honest, it was painful.
But then I had a chance to do a lot of other works. Like Rock Opera Mozart…

It was the first time when I had a chance to work with foreigner and I learnt how to express my own opinions.
Up until then I was really shy. But when you speak out your own opinion, sure there will be times when you’re wrong, but when there’s someone told you “That’s good!” and your opinions get through, that moment was the best.

Also, looking at 2nd gen, Sae and Yuko… and other members around me.
I started to changed as well.
I have come to love people more.
Also myself.
At first I really hate my body. I thought that my body was really huge and all. But I have come to love my own body and myself as well.
And I know I love AKB.


And this time election, I had a chance to look at it from the point of an outsider and look at it objectively.
A lot of members and kouhai came to me to discuss.
You know as a rival in election, after all, we all felt scared and all so it was really hard to talk about it with each other.
That’s why I hope that I can become their strength even if just a bit.

From now on too, you don’t just need to be a senbatsu member.
I know it’s really honor to be chosen as a senbatsu member.
But other than that, I hope more and more members will find out what they want to and can do and what they have confidence in.
And for that, this time, I have to try my best even after graduation too.

But I’m really grateful for being in AKB. If I weren’t an AKB member, there would be a lot of thing I couldn’t do.
I never think I won’t appear anymore after graduating.
That’s why even after graduating, I still want to hold handshake events.
I want to keep the original concept of AKB.
I want to become an actress that can proudly say I’m from AKB.

And then, I want to take everything I learnt outside and then, if there’s a chance in any event, I want to come back and tell that to our kouhai.
That way AKB will become bigger and bigger.
I also want to learn more from all the young girls.

Also, Mushi no Ballad at 5th place, it has become an encouragement for me. I’m really thankful for it.
You know, it’s really easy to become rotten.
But to keep on trying without being rotten… it’s not a miracle and all, but I think that if you don’t give up and get over all obstacle, there will be things like this happen now and then. It’s a nice surprise. I’m really thankful to my fans.

I know my fans must be worried for me after graduation.
Everybody has their own way of graduating. I want to graduate in my own style as how I am.

The fact that I can graduate in Tokyo Dome…
I’m happy but rather than that… I wonder if it is really ok for me to graduate at such a big place.
But well, while I was still wondering “What am I gonna do…” a lot of 2nd gen and members kept asking me “Sayaka, what are you planning to do?”
So, everybody, please look forward to my graduation!
I need all your power to make this come true!

This is what I decided.
I won’t regret.

You know, I went to Akimoto Yasushi’s office alone on my own.
I discussed about this with Takamina before. Until now I’ve never really have a proper talk with Akimoto-sensei at all. So maybe that’s why it’s better to have a talk with Takamina first.
And the result of that talk is I took off to Akimoto’s office all alone XDD
By myself I rang the bell “ping pong” and he gave me some time.
I was really nervous because it was my first time having a talk with him!
When I walked out of my house that day, I was like “Yossh!”
Really, that was the first time since I was born I actually spoke out loud “Yossh!” XDD

I was all trembled and nervous and scared.
Since that was the first time since I actually spoke out loud what I decided on my own.
But as a woman, as a human being, I felt like I have grown up compared to the time when I didn’t dare to say anything.

Because that’s my own decision.
It’s not because someone told me to quit and all.
So after this, everything is my own responsibility.
I don’t have any regret at all.

But in June, I did feel a bit worried though XDDD
But I’m fine! I went to fortune-telling XDDD
I discussed a bit and felt more relived now.
On the way back, I took a stroll and that moment Yuko sent me a mail with the photo of her squeezing my butt XDDD
I was like “You idiot! LOL” but I felt more at ease thanks to that.