PROMPT: Throughout the publishing process you will need to let go, in increments, to professionals who can do their best work with your assistance but not your intrusion. It may be hard to let go, but let go.

So I have this *little* problem, nothing major- I don’t have access to my HSBC account which is storing some much needed (ref: day 48) funds right now.

On September 1st, I was robbed and had to block all my atm/debit cards, including the HSBC one. The next morning, calm and composed I called the customer service number asking what I could do in order to re-instate the card/ get a new one and to activate my internet banking. 

After having been passed around, on the phone, to about 5 representatives and 45 minutes of waiting, holding, verifying account information, I was passed onto someone who said that I would have to a. report my card lost and b. go to the nearest HSBC location to pick up a new card. 

That was a funny kind of solution given the fact that I had clearly explained to them MULTIPLE times that I’m not in Kuala Lumpur (which would be the nearest branch location they’ve been referring to), nor do I plan on returning and I’ve already blocked the card. 

The call ended with me saying thanks for your help (read:IDIOT!). 

A day later, I called the customer service number for the branch where I opened my account. After multiple attempts at trying to get through to the branch manager, attempts which failed because each representative was too scared to pass the case on to higher management because obviously their incompetent a$$ would be on the line, I hung up after 2 hours of trying to explain to a multitude of incompetent people the situation I’m in and that I need access to my stupid account. One again, a futile call. 

Over the weekend, I spoke to a representative who seemed slightly more efficient (read: spoke and understood English, little little) and was at least able to verify that my card is actually blocked (thanks doofus, I didn’t know that!) and that no transactions have been made with it…

The next few days were followed by numerous calls to all sorts of branches in Kuala Lumpur, customer service call centres, HSBC whatever whatever people.

The result = nothing! 

I was asked to POST a letter (what is this???? 1959???) to one of their branches requesting for a new card and security device to be mailed to my current address. Sounds simple enough, except they couldn’t even verify the address that I would have to send this letter to so instead we settled with sending a “complaint” through the HSBC website (an “electronic mail complaint” as they called it) Fair enough. 

The complaint form they’ve put up on their website DOES NOT WORK! After a number (and I mean something close to 50) attempts at filling out a form on the damned HSBC website to send in this damned complaint, ONE went through! HALLELUJAH! … But I never received confirmation which means.. well NOTHING once again. 

So I just used their complaints email address which was a pain to find as well.. and sent them 137 emails (and counting) detailing my situation and what needs to be done. 

I was robbed so I don’t have a security device with which I could log into my account online. I cannot get said security device or new card (to use ATMs etc to withdraw cash) unless Im in KL and IM NOT.. I’ve verified all my account information etc over a million times but they cannot process any requests over the phone because I did not activate telbanking… I cannot activate telbanking unless I have an ATM/debit card in hand… I cannot get debit card in hand bla bla.. you get the problem. 

So here we are today, September 17th- and what’s the solution I was given by HSBC Customer service?

A FUCKING AUTOMATED RESPONSE SAYING I HAVE TO GO TO THEIR FUCKING KUALA LUMPUR BRANCH AND GET A NEW CARD SO I CAN ACCESS MY ACCOUNT.

WHAT KIND OF FUKING DIPSHIT SERVICE IS THIS HSBC???

A friend once said, “being deductive means using past knowledge to solve current problems”.

My past knowledge about HSBC began and culminated when I was in Bangladesh and tried to CLOSE my account- they wouldn’t let me do it for over 45 minutes, after which I had to call in the manager and yell and scream and tell them repeatedly I DO NOT WANT THIS ACCOUNT and NO I WILL NOT PAY $50 A YEAR TO KEEP IT OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, most offices I’ve worked with prefer to open corporate accounts through HSBC which has always linked my tax payments and refunds to this disgusting disgrace of a bank.

Given my past experience with the bank, I figured it would make the most sense to get the manager to act on this and make something happen. 

BUT NO! 

HSBC IS A GLOBAL ASSWIPE OF A BANK WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO LAUNDER MONEY TO AFRICAN WARLORDS’ SONS AND TO BUY THEIR ISLANDS IN DUBAI FOR THEM. 

Good day, HSBC “professionals”.

I’ll be speaking with you shortly.