We recently reviewed the new album by the mysteriously anonymous band, MASKED INTRUDER. It’s a nice little piece of pop punk gold, which made us even more curious: Who are these masked gentlemen? We’ve decided to launch a full-on, exhaustive investigation complete with Emmy-worthy research. And frankly, we don’t care that they don’t give Emmys to websites, we’re doing it. Suck it, Geraldo.

EVIDENCE

Exhibit A: Band photo/bio

The above band photo is the most helpful visual evidence we’ve got on the band. Incidentally, it’s also the only visual evidence we’ve got. The heights, builds, and demeanors are all telling. But probably the biggest clues lie in the tattoos. Some upper arm tattoos on two members and one with a pretty distinctive hand tattoo. The fourth member may or may not have tattoos, but given his hoodie, this makes him a Wild Card.

The band, which supposedly hails from Madison, WI, released this bio:

We got four masked men: Blue (self-described “hopeless romantic” and probably  the brains behind the operation), Red (said to be a “loose cannon”, plays drums, the wheelman), Yellow (the “heart breaker” that plays bass, so you know he’s a goon), and Green (renowned “wild man” and extra nasty due to a short guy complex).

Exhibit B: The band’s Twitter account

We figured a good place to look for leads would be to examine the first few people the band followed on Twitter. Here’s what we got:

Exhibit C: The band’s music

Very catchy, heart-on-the-sleeve style of pop punk with a criminal undertone. 

POSSIBLE SUSPECTS

Mike Yannich / Alias: Mikey Erg (The Ergs) 

• Music: Stylistically, this record has Erg written all over it. Lots of sugary, hopeless romantic pop punk lyrics.
• Appearance: None of the tattoos match. Erg has a Black Flag and No Idea tattoo on his left arm. So he’s not Red, Green, or Yellow. He does wear framed glasses like Blue. While we wouldn’t put it past Erg to rock a hoodie, it seems like he’d have more buttons on it.
• Location: New Jersey (1,000 miles away)

Teenage Bottlerocket

• A prime suspect as they were one of the first bands to be followed by Masked Intruder on Twitter (Exhibit B). In addition to sharing a label with Intruder (Red Scare), there are some musical similarities between the two bands, particularly in the guitar riff department.
• Appearance: Neither of Bottlerocket’s guitarists seem to have tattoos that match that of Red, Green, or Yellow. But like Intruder, TBR also has a thing for black clothes and leather jackets.
• Super into tucking thumbs into pants pockets.
• Location: Laramie, WY (1000 miles away)

Dear Landlord

• Given that Dear Landlord is the second account Masked Intruder followed on Twitter, this makes them a “person of interest” according to our Law and Order: SVU training.
• Music: While both bands fall into the category of pop punk, Dear Landlord’s delivery is a bit more aggressive.
• Appearance: Hard to tell, but as far as we could see, neither guitarist nor bassist have tattoos matching those of Intruder.
• Location: Minneapolis, MN (275 miles away) and Carbondale, IL (675 miles away)

Toby Jeg (owner, Red Scare Records)

• Seems to know a whole lot about Masked Intruder. A little too a whole lot.
• Connected to anyone who would be in the band.
• Location: Chicago, IL (150 miles away)

Judge Judy

• Honestly, this one seems like a long shot but given that Her Honor is high on Intruder’s Twitter list, we’ve got to do due diligence and consider her.
• The whole “law theme” fits.
• Music: N/A. Courtroom theme song not very similar.
• Appearance: Hard to get a good read on tattoos with that robe on.
• Location: Greenwich, CT (1,000 miles away)

Brendan Kelly (The Lawrence Arms)

• High billing on Intruder’s Twitter list. Then again, Kelly is a huge Twitter nerd.
• Has a lifetime ban from the Warped Tour. That’s not particularly relevant but we just like bringing that up.
• Tattoos don’t match those of Intruders.
• Location: Chicago, IL (150 miles away)

The Slow Death

• If our Mikey Erg assumption is correct, this strengthens our case, given his connection to this band.
• The Slow Death has a confirmed short dude in it, leading us to believe he is Green.
• Third account to be followed on Twitter.
• Location: Minneapolis, MN (275 miles away)

Chixdiggit!

• A long shot given that they are the only non-American band on our suspect list. But musically, the two have a lot of commonalities. 
• Appearance: Tough to get a read on their tattoos since they are Canadian and it’s too cold for Canadians to ever take their jackets off. No Canadian has ever been able to be coatless long enough to get a tattoo.
• Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada (1,500 miles away) [Fun fact: Calgary is home of professional wrestler, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, who did not make our list.]

Toys That Kill

• Musically TTK are not very similar to Intruder, although their song Bomb Sniffing Dogs is very reminiscent of Intruder’s whole “outlaw” schtick. 
• Touring with Intruder.
• Location: San Pedro, CA (2,000 miles away)

Nothington

• Touring with Intruder.
• Also on Red Scare Records.
• Appearance: Tattoos don’t seem to match.
• Location: San Francisco, CA (2,000 miles away)

Smoke or Fire

• Touring with Intruder.
• Music: Not poppy enough to be a natural musical fit.
• Appearance: Tattoos don’t seem to match.
• Members think they’re cool enough to wear Tragedy shirts when they are not. 
• Location: Richmond, VA (900 miles away)

The Locust

• Musically, not similar at all but anytime you’re dealing with a bunch of masked nerds, you’ve got to keep The Locust in mind.

Green Day

• God, we don’t want it to be Green Day. WE DON’T WANT IT TO BE FUCKING GREEN DAY. But given Green Day’s history of secret, often masked side projects, e.g. The Network, Foxboro Hot Tubs, we had to keep them in the running.

CONCLUSION

We don’t know.

• posted by Dan Ozzi