Surreal Football

AV 1–1 NOR. “New low” reaches new low as Existential Nihilism plummets impassively to previously uncharted depths of pointlessness & despair.

ARS 1–0 QPR. “Wheat intolerance to blame,” says Hughes after ungodly fartcloud has Cromwell Street basement puking in its own mouth.

REA 3–3 FLM. Not since Ramones fans greeted Bonnie Tyler with a salvo of punk-piss has Reading witnessed such a display of wilful incontinence.

STO 0–0 SUN. Stoke “trying to evolve” grunts Pulis as drooling troglodyte scours hovel for breed-ripe she-thug with right quota of thumbs.

WIG 2–1 WHU. Suspicious meat product Sam Allardyce to be destroyed after Trading Standards smash black market clown offal ring.

MNC 1–0 SWA. 30-yard bailout reaps minor dividend as over-leveraged Europa grotesque underwrites toxic managerial asset’s subprime shenanigans.

EVE 2–2 LIV. Legitimate winner correctly ruled out after replays show Reds goal-shit Suarez was clearly half a yard completely objectionable.

NEW 2–1 WBA. Coloccini’s ‘new Bobby Moore’ billing lost in translation as counterfeit Kenny G digs up Whitney and slaps her face off.

SOU 1–2 TOT. Under-fire Adkins deflects attention from team with sublime “Jimmy Savile wasn’t a monster, he was being satirical” outburst.

CHE 2–3 MNU. “Terry to remain captain despite bludgeoning baby seal to death with hammer made from Nazi gold” says Blues boss Terry.