*During a warm-up set with embarrassingly light weights

– You will convince yourself that lying flat and motionless on your floor is basically like a prolonged audition for playing a corpse on Law & Order. (Casting Agents: CALL ME.)

– When your left leg goes completely numb and you drape it over your right leg, it will feel like you’re spooning with an incapacitated stranger. ROMANCE!

– When your chiropractor works you in without an appointment, you will blurt out that you think he’s People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

– You will dread seeing said chiropractor because you have called him People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

– You will lie motionless and wonder which hot dead guy forced People Magazine to limit their competition to living men. 

– You will start trying to match yourself with sturdy looking guys on Tinder, just because you need someone to pick you up and put you on the sofa.

– You will learn the difficulty of eating Lucky Charms while lying prone on the carpet. It didn’t seem this hard the last time you were hungover.

– You will attempt to drag yourself to your desk to clear your Internet history, just in case you choke to death on a marshmallow rainbow.

– You will lose perspective and get way melodramatic in less than an hour. “Well, now I understand Christina’s World” is a real thing you will say.

– If your role as SVU Corpse is Emmy-nominated, you will promise to take your chiropractor as your date.

– You will start mentally designing a line of ThermaCare based lingerie for the afterparty.

– You will write lists like this.